I Just Want Her Back
by x Enigmatic x
Summary: Regina is desperately in love with Emma from the time she met her. But her feelings are shared and she doesn't know, that's why she leaves Storybrooke. Love is never easy. Especially in a situation where your feelings cage you away from the one woman you love, the one woman who makes you lose your sanity. And the more you love her, you just end up losing everything.
1. What I Didn't Say

**Entry Six**

**Title: "Wanting her bad"**

**Written by: Chad Anderson (Emma Swan) and Kay (Regina Mills)**

**A/N – We're so sorry to have taken this one down. But it needed to be edited. And finally here it is again! Hope you enjoy! Some things have changed!**

**(Basically this is two years after Emma returned to Storybrooke, you know, after Pan cast the curse and then that year went by. Well this is two years after she returned from New York.)**

**xSwanQueenx**

I was sitting upon the porch of our new house, feet curled up beneath me and a nice good Nora Roberts novel opened midway in my lap. Rearing my head to peer through the glass, my eyes seeking out the heart shaped clock hung on the wall within, I realized it was just five thirty. That's right. Another day had passed by at work, and I had just gotten home, still in the same outfit I had worn all day. My feet were aching. But so was my back, my shoulders. And all I wanted to do was to retreat into the house, lock myself in my room and just sleep.

"Emma, use the chair", Neal said stepping through the glass door, voice rough, hands shoved in his jeans pockets, "that looks uncomfortable enough."

A few seconds elapsed as I paused to peer down at my folded feet. "It's relaxing, actually." And my eyes darted back to the page before me, scanning the words.

"Anyway, I just picked up Henry", he said warily, gesturing inside, his eyes moving back to rest on me, "he had this…late art class. Ran for like two hours after school, he claimed. Kid seems to like drawing, you know."

The corners of my mouth tugged into a smile. If it was one thing that could brighten any day of mine, it was my kid. "Yeah, he's quite creative actually."

There was silence between us as seconds ticked by and then he was stepping towards me. There was a sigh. And from the corner of my eyes, I detected him stooping down, on his knees, and then hands were lifted up, fingers pressing into my shoulders with a gentle touch.

"You're tense."

And he began to knead his fingers into my skin, my head tilting back as the knots tightened within my upper back. A soft wind rushed in and around us, whipping my hair around my face, strands tickling my cheeks as I reached up, tucking them behind my ears. And the sun had already disappeared, the horizon from as far I could see was splashed with wild orange, a color Henry always had difficulty in mixing when he desired to paint a sunset.

"Mom might be coming over later", I said softly, leaning into his touch, eyes closed, "she kinda baked that lemon cake again."

"Ugh", Neal said from behind me, and I smiled, knowing he had that look of disgust on his face, "she's got to know that the cake needs to take a break, you know. Too much in the last two weeks."

"You mean in the last two years", I said and laughed, reaching down to press my fingertips against the wood beneath me. He did too. Sitting up suddenly, I breathed in as my chest compressed, and my heart was tugged at. "She's been on a cooking rage ever since we came back here. And I'm still trying to keep up with her changes in favorite dishes."

It was almost close to two years now.

I had returned to Storybrooke after that curse had hit, the one Pan had enacted. I came back here from New York where Henry and I had lived a year built on falsified memories. And after spending about a year back with my family again, the people I had never known about for half my life, things had just changed for the better or worse.

Sometimes you can find joy in relating a story to someone, a portion of your life that was supposed to be exciting. It should have been a time when I could finally settle down and relax with the people I considered family, close friends and my son. But when I came back here, instead of things getting better, returning to what they were, everything just went downhill.

For a moment in time, like a couple months after I returned, Regina and I became so close as friends. Most times I would just sit down next to her and smile suddenly because of how our relationship had changed. We had moved from yelling heatedly at each other over the custody of our son, to sitting down almost every week and having dinner together as a family: Henry, and her. That was what Henry wanted. It lasted for a couple months after I came back. And I could see it in the child's eyes how much he just wanted us to remain together: Neal, Regina and I. But how far could we really push it with the three of us? No one was referring to a threesome. No. Not at all.

It was more like a desperate attempt to clutch at the remaining strings attached to a family he wanted to have. And when a couple months had passed and Neal had proposed to me, Regina suddenly began to go out with Robin. I wish I could say that I was happy for her but I wasn't because every single time I saw them on the streets of Storybrooke, when he'd reach up and brush her hair away from her face, the way he'd caress her cheeks and pull her close as he laughed, I died inside. To be honest, although I didn't want to feel that way, I did because why? It was simple: I had been so fucking blind not to realize what I had right in front of me when I had her there by my side.

* * *

The first time she told me that she was dating Robin; I remembered stalling in my reply. We had met up after work on a Friday, sitting outside of the Diner as we both ate pizza: she chose veggie whilst I went full out Hawaiian.

"_Emma, I like spending time with you", she said quietly as her fingers pinched slice of green pepper. "I've never had a friend before. And you're such a wonderful friend to me."_

_Friend. As soon as I had heard that, looking back at it now, I should have known what was coming. It was like forecasting the disaster before it came in. The thing is, I was never expecting what she told me after that._

"_Yeah it's nice being your friend", I said smiling, "big change from fighting with you over everything. I mean, don't get me wrong here but the peace between us is nice."_

"_Did you know that the year you were gone: you and Henry, all I could think about was to find a way to get you both back?" she asked, chewing slowly, her dark eyes studying me. I remembered thinking how beautiful she looked sitting there across from me. She was wearing this red dress with a black coat over her shoulders. And her hair barely fluttered in the late afternoon wind. _

"_Yeah?" I asked, lowering my eyes as her gaze became intense. _

"_I missed you, as ridiculous as it sounds."_

_I couldn't breathe. But I smiled. She had missed me. Oh my gods…_

"_And as your mother and I grew closer as friends, as we all had to work together to find a way to end it all, all I kept remembering is that you were the one who brought us closer together. In everything we did before", she said, hurting my heart, "you always believed in me. And whatever you did, they agreed with you. If it wasn't for you, I'd probably be dead."_

"_You're referring to the time when the stone almost destroyed Storybrooke?" I asked, barely lifting my head to look at her. She was still looking at me. And I felt my eyes burn._

"_Snow told me how you said in front of everyone that Henry had just lost a father, and you weren't going to let him lose a mother too."_

"_I just wanted to find a way to keep everyone alive", I said. _

"_And you saved me."_

"_I did."_

_We ate for a while and during that time when we did, the tension between us was thick and my chest just ached me. I don't think she felt anything in that time, but Regina just kept looking at me. And whenever I'd look up, she didn't look away._

"_Emma, all my life I have been trying to be happy."_

"_Aren't we all…" and I sighed._

"_But you have Henry and you have Neal, you have your parents. I've always been alone." I never did look up._

"_But you have us now."_

"_Everyone has their happy ending and I'm just…" I could detect her waving a hand in front of her, and she wrapped her fingers around her glass, swirling the lemonade within, "I'm a villain with the possibility of me never having one."_

"_Regina, we've been through this before", I said meeting her eyes, "you're not a villain. Don't do this to yourself."_

"_I am, Emma. I'm nothing else."_

"_You're a mother!" I exclaimed, watching her. "You're Henry's mother and you've been his mother for ten freaking years! How can a mother be a villain?"_

_She didn't know how to reply. And it was some time after when I heard her sigh. Looking up, I noticed that her dark eyes were moist with tears. When she saw me looking, Regina lifted a hand to shade her weakness. But little did she know, I never ever thought of her as weak, because she was the strongest woman I had ever met._

"_It's okay to cry in front of me, you know", I said to her. "I think we established this already before, that I will never judge you."_

_She laughed hoarsely, gracefully wiping the corners of her eyes with her knuckles and I did too. I didn't know why I did, but I laughed with her. And a few seconds after, we were laughing after nothing at all. Regina just appeared so different in that moment, almost so natural, so beautiful and unlike herself that I stopped and just watched her laugh._

"_Thank you…for that", she said hoarsely._

"_Anytime, I guess I'm funny looking after all."_

"_No, silly…it's not that. I laughed because I am that comfortable with you being here with me."_

"_Oh…" was all I said, and we were back to square one again where the tension began to build up. And I finally decided that, fuck it, I'd tell her how I felt about her right here and now. Forget Neal and forget whatever happened. I'd tell her. "Regina…I…"_

"_Emma, I've finally decided to give myself a chance at love again", she said without looking at me._

_I couldn't respond._

"_Really? With…?"_

"_Robin…Robin Hood."_

_I guess I never completed a full sentence after that, and she realized it because when an hour elapsed without me saying a word to her, Regina got up._

"_I was waiting for you to say something to me…" she said and I looked up at her, half a slice of pizza in front of me, still not touched. "I guess…" and she reached up to wipe her eyes once more, flipping her hair sideways, "that I was wrong."_

_And I let her go._

* * *

I remember this one time when Neal and I were having a quick dinner in Granny's diner on a cold night in November. Just as I was about to start digging into my warm chicken soup, in she walked with him, and the first thing I frowned at was how he had his left arm around her waist. She looked happy. She was smiling and I could count the times I had seen that smile on her face. In they came and as soon as Regina saw me, her face expression changed. Just like that. I mean, you could say that I was paranoid and I probably was overthinking what happened. But that night when we locked eyes, it was as if everything just was put on PAUSE as we gazed at each other.

She never came over immediately to talk to me. And I didn't think she would because of him being there. These two men, they were both there. And as Neal began to relate this funny story to me about his time spent in Neverland years ago, and my head was hung, elbows resting on the table as I listened, I suddenly was aware of the sound of her heels as she approached me. Within that span of time where I just froze in my chair and realized what was happening, I believed my heart stopped just for a few seconds. And by the time she was standing right there next to me where I sat, I had also stopped breathing.

I know I'm probably carrying on this too long, but I think you ought to know exactly what happened to bring me up to this point where I currently am.

Everything after my return from New York was fucked up, simple as that.

Grumpy never did return, neither did the other dwarves. Even the Blue Fairy had never come back, and Rumple had disappeared too, but he had come back. He had come back for Belle as he always promised he would. Now they were married and he still had his magic, but they made things work. Because they clicked. And Neal was clinging unto him desperately now, especially after he had seen his father die in front of him. He still had nightmares about it.

"I miss Grumpy", I said now, my voice low as Neal moved sideways to sit next to me, our eyes focused forth, watching the empty street before us.

New houses had been constructed in Storybrooke over the last two years. Now the streets appeared normal, like a normal town, too normal because I felt anything but normal.

Nothing would ever be normal without her.

"Yeah, for the short span of time I got to know him, he had a lasting impression." A car moved by, the flash of sunglasses and a hand was raised from within as Neal did the same, me realizing that it was Whale driving home. "Look how things have become so…peaceful around here. Almost like nothing bad ever happened here to begin with."

"Yeah, it's like just a normal town now. Everyone seems to have what they want. It's like there was no curse at all."

"And I've got you and Henry now…what else could I want?" A hand was wrapped around me, and I was pulled into his warmth, me choosing to nuzzle my face into the crook of his right shoulder, closing my eyes as I did.

If he only knew what I had wanted.

Those times when you could move through a situation in your life, things happened and yet, yet you would foolishly begin to think that if you tried really hard, you could erase it all. Because erasing feelings, memories seemed like the only way you could move forward in life. And it was all I could even think about doing. That backup plan that had been there, yet never had I anticipated enacting it because there hadn't been a reason to. I never actually expected what happened, what came afterwards and above all, the intensity of my pain after that day, I never ever could erase those memories from my mind, no matter how hard I tried. Two years had passed and still those flashes came back, tugs at my heart when simple things were mentioned, and above all, a face could never leave my memory.

New York meant nothing to me anymore.

Specific things like whispers in time would torment my dreams at nights, forcing me to toss and turn against Neal, the man who loved me. Like snatches from a world behind us, I could take myself back in time to when we had first met each other, and he had departed in a flash. Something like that I could move through, I could make it work again, and above all, there was no other choice. There was no turning back the hands of time to the day when my life had changed when I first arrived here.

And I had met her.

Now she was gone.

But I had been in love with her.

How could you ever live your life, sharing it with your second chance, a man you never intended to marry , someone who cared deeply for you, who risked the world for you, who came back to pick up the pieces. But somehow he wasn't what you had wanted at all. He never was the person you grew to love. Sure he had made me fall head over heels in love with him when I was like eighteen, but then I had been forced to live my life in shock after that.

When he had left me broken.

Coming back, there had been change, I had realized that I never stopped loving him, yet my heart had already been captivated by someone else. And saying 'I do' to someone else other than her on my wedding day, it would probably feel as if she would be taking my heart within her hand, and she would squeeze it, forcing me to writhe in pain. Many of nights I'd wake up drenched in sweat, wrapping my arms around myself as I rocked back and forth crying for her, wondering why she left and never came back, why all of this had happened. Sometimes I'd stand before the mirror on my wardrobe and my face would contort with rage as I reached up, pulling at my blonde hair wildly, hating myself for actually doing what I did.

How could I even have allowed myself to fall in love with a woman who never ever saw me in the same light? Teaching me magic had been disastrous for us, yet it was something I clung unto these days, mastering the art of doing whatever I could just because I believed that if I tried hard enough, I'd change things. Somehow I was stupid enough to believe that if I grew powerful enough, wherever she was, she'd detect it. She'd feel it. Somehow she'd feel this connection, because we always had one, we always could make things happen, the combination of us both. If she was in doubt about returning, there would be this sudden tug within her chest and she'd realize what I felt, how much I loved her, and I still did.

I still loved her so, so much.

Not even Neal could replace that huge chunk of my heart she had managed to tear away the day she hugged me and whispered goodbye into my ear. He couldn't even hug me like that and make me feel the way I did before. When she had done what she did, when she had wrapped her arms around me, I had been consumed with shock at first. But then it felt like returning home fully. The warmth of her body against me, making me feel so, so good inside and the way my heart race had quickened, butterflies that had always fluttered about in my chest had been darting about in joy. Because I honestly believed it had been the beginning of things for us, that when I inhaled her perfume, the smell of her hair and how close she held me almost too intimately, I believed she had realized that I was her happy ending. And we'd move from there. We'd hold hands and show them all how different we were, how we clicked.

* * *

Until she had pulled me in closer, resting her cheek against mine, and she had whispered the one phrase that haunted my dreams, every second of my days after that.

"_Emma, I can't stay here anymore…"_

"_What? Why?"_

"_I have to…I don't belong here anymore. I can't..."_

_She had this look in her eyes, this saddened look, one that I had never gotten from her. It was like she was waiting on me to say something to her, but I just…I didn't know if we shared the same thought on what she wanted me to say. There were tears in her eyes. Regina was crying and I couldn't help myself. I just did what I did on so many occasions. I fucked it up._

"_But Henry…"_

"_Take care of him for me. I know you will. Take care of yourself, Emma. I'll miss you…and as much as I know it sounds ridiculous, I hope that one day, I will see you again."_

"_I…don't leave us", and I wanted to say 'I don't want you to go' but instead I changed it around. "Just stay here and try to make things work", I had whispered, my chest exploding, tears stinging my eyes. I should have told her._

"_If I stay here", she had said to me, that intense look in her eyes, "I will never be happy."_

"_Why? You…have Henry and…me, you have us."_

"_Goodbye, Emma. Henry."_

"_Mom…"_

"_I'll be back", and she had smiled at him, he deserved that smile, her eyes never meeting mine. "Some day."_

"_Regina, I…" I had begun to say, but they were all standing there, standing around us, waiting. Dad was right there, and so was mom. And they were hugging each other, because they had come to say goodbye to her. Robin was there too. He was waiting on her. And as we gazed at each other, her dark eyes seeking out mine, I never did continue my confession because I had been stupid._

* * *

If I had said what I truly felt, then she would have at least known already. She would have…loved me back? But I never ever got to know that. I never got to see the look in her dark eyes when I decided to tell her how I felt about her, how I loved her.

How could you do it?

Some say it's easy to tell the person you love the truth, just step up to them and tell them how you feel. But that's a lie. I once told Neal I loved him years ago, and it was after we had been sucked into a young fling, a romance that captivated us, both of our hearts beating for the moment. That had been easy because we were acting on feelings that were racing against each other, us never wanting to look back. And to say 'I love you' was like saying 'hey, I care and let's make this happen'. Plus I was just eighteen, dreaming about marriage and whatever else was to come.

I could have never found the right time, or right place to tell her I loved her. But looking back on it now, I don't think it could have been done easily because of how deeply in love I was with her to begin with. Remember that time when she had been captured by Greg Mendell and tortured repeatedly? Remember me walking with Neal on the beach and when I had told him between the lines that I loved him somehow? That hadn't been the truth actually.

* * *

The day before that, after everything that had happened between Regina and us, with her mother dying and the fucking tension between us, me in the middle, she and I had an argument. And it wasn't a loud one, or one that required the use of hands lashing out for a fight. But it was something she said and I said and we both left each other's company in anger.

"_No matter how hard she tries to make up for what she did, I will never ever forgive her", Regina had declared about my mother, her eyes flashing._

"_Oh come on, you two can't continue hating each other like this. At some point or the other, it's got to stop because we're all…family."_

"_Really now?" and she was glaring at me, forcing me to look away, "and what exactly do you know about family, dear?"_

"_Regina, don't start on me."_

"_No, I'd like to hear your opinions on mending broken links between family members. Tell me, how do you do it? What happened between us, you'd never understand because you weren't even born yet."_

"_I know enough", I retorted, my eyes flashing now. "And it's got to stop right now or else one of you will get hurt."_

"_But that was always the intention to begin with", she declared, smirking. "One of us must kill the other."_

"_What the hell is wrong with you?" I asked, glaring at her. "Stop this. You're the mature one, and you know better than this! I always expected better from you. I'm always believing in you."_

"_Just as you believed in me when Archie was proclaimed to be dead."_

"_I had no choice! I saw what happened! It did happen! It just wasn't you!" _

"_But you knew it wasn't me", she said, her voice cold as a December night, "you felt it. You came to my door and above all, you accused me of murder. How would I feel about that?"_

"_What about how I felt?" I asked angrily, "how I looked telling everyone I believed you didn't do it, after seeing that in front of them through the dream catcher and people shaking their heads at me?"_

"_Emma, had you placed yourself in my position…" she began, moving her hands before her, watching me intensely._

"_In your position?" I asked and scoffed, throwing my hands up, "how about you put yourself in my position and see what the fuck happened to me? You think it was easy to watch that in front of them and have my belief in you shatter? You think it's easy living in this fucking town swimming between black and white when everyone sees you as the horrible Evil Queen and they're all golden? I don't see you like that! I never did. And yet every single opportunity you got, you fucked me up. You chose to hurt people, and be vengeful when someone believed in you. You even threatened me, that's why I took Henry away from you, because you were being so unfair, and so fucking blind. I never came here with the intentions of taking him away. Yet when you started to behave like a fucking idiot, then I lashed back."_

"_I…"_

"_Go ahead", I said angrily, as tears burnt my eyes, and she saw them, she saw everything because unlike anyone else, I believe she was the only person to see me at my most vulnerable points. "Say what you want to say. Take the floor."_

"_I guess I never will succeed in making you understand how I feel about you, Miss Swan", she had said, and then she was walking away, and I stood there rereading her words over and over again._

* * *

Because what she said, as I think back on it now, maybe it meant more than I had believed it did. Maybe it meant that she had loved me, and it was hard on her just as it had been on me to believe someone didn't love you the way you loved them.

"Saw Ruby today", Neal was saying, almost sounding like he was standing behind a wall.

"Yeah?" I said, blinking back tears. Reaching up with a hand, I slowly wiped them away, never wanting him to catch my movements. But my voice had become strained.

"Yeah, she said she'd swing by tomorrow, something about the two of you going shopping for shoes."

"Oh, right", I suddenly remembered, the throbbing in my chest never quite dying away.

"I've got this thing in the afternoon, nothing big, but the guys are planning a Christmas party for the staff." Neal had opened a small real estate firm within Storybrooke and he was doing just fine. "Wanna come?"

"I might", I said absentmindedly, trying to focus on his voice, his warmth, and nothing else, "what time? I can always ring mom and tell her…"

"Oh no don't worry, I forgot you said she's coming over and all. Just let me go then. I mean, it's not going to be anything big. Just us hanging, drinking a few beers…"

"Alright then", I said and he pulled me closer into him, resting a chin upon my head.

"Henry says he has some project to do, something about going over by Grace."

That actually pulled up a smile from within me.

"Jefferson's daughter?" I asked now, quite amused.

"Sounds like it."

"Would you look at that!" And I laughed. So did Neal.

"She's not my girlfriend or anything", Henry said from behind us and we both swiveled our heads around to watch him standing there. "Just a friend." He had gotten taller, almost my height now.

"For now", Neal whispered into my ear and I smiled.

"I heard that!" the kid declared, "can't a boy have a friend that's a girl these days?"

"You answer that question for me in the next ten years, kiddo", and Neal winked at him.

"Dad!"

"What?" Then Henry threw his hands up in the air.

"You're just like the kids at school, always teasing us. Grace hates it too."

"Grace can be a nice…girlfriend…" Neal offered, "hey!" and Henry growled, turning around to dash back inside the house. "I was just being nice!"

"Sometimes you're just too nice", I said softly, and pulling his head closer, I kissed his forehead then entangled myself from him. "Gotta go make dinner."

"I'll help", he said pushing himself up as I did too, then he brushed his hands off on his jeans, smiling at me. "After which I have this meet up with your dad at this new bar they've opened downtown. I'll swing by there before I go to the party and then pass by after."

"But mom's coming!" I reminded him, "she's soo not gonna like you being absent when she brings that cake."

"Tell her it tastes better when refrigerated overnight", he said and we both laughed.

"Lemon, ugh", and I made a face.

"She should just try apples for once, you know?"

And I never did respond, the pain in my chest stirring like a wounded animal. Taking a deep breath, I gathered composure and moved inside, Neal following.

* * *

Two hours later, and a plate of beans, corn and baked chicken to go with that, Snow and I sat upon two chairs right back on the porch. With a glass of red wine rested beside us upon the porch, I proceeded to lend an ear as she went on and on about how she loved baking and cooking.

"Teaching's good too", she said now, her eyes dancing, "but baking a cake, mixing ingredients and waiting for the outcome, the smell…it's…", and I watched as she breathed in, eyes closed, "beautiful."

"Maybe it's a craving or something", I suggested, eyeing the rise and fall of her slightly swollen tummy. "Just don't kill the baby with lemon cake."

She laughed. "It's a girl; I can feel it's a girl. And after all this time, it feels so, so familiar."

"A girl?" I asked now, my eyes widening, "hmm, okay." Another baby sister.

Last year they had Emily, and I probably was the happiest big sister ever now that the little bundle of joy had begun to talk. She was a fast learner, and she was the cutest thing ever.

"So are you and Neal going to try to have another baby?" Snow asked.

"No." I said almost too fast.

"Okay", and she stopped, tilting her head sideways as she considered me with worried eyes, "is everything okay?"

"Pretty much", I lied, toeing the dirt with my right boot, eyes downcast.

"No, everything's not okay", she stated in a worried voice, deciding to rest a hand on my shoulder, "Emma, what's wrong? Is it something with Neal?"

"Neal's perfect", I said, and moving away from her touch, I pushed myself up then went to stand two steps in front of where she was, gazing out into the dark street before me. "I'm just in a mood, I guess."

"Oh…"

After two years, it all came back now, the feel of the familiar pain, and I was hurting all over again.

"Mom", and I turned around to face her, knowing that tears covered my eyes, "I don't think I can do this."

Snow was watching me with cat eyes, hanging on my every word, trying to seek out the source of my hurt. "You don't think you can do what?" she asked.

"This…Neal…" I said carefully and decided to turn my back to her again, because my walls were breaking, collapsing, and it wasn't long before she would detect something. "I don't think I can continue lying to myself anymore."

"Maybe you just have to give it more time?" she suggested.

"Mom, I've given it enough time. I've given it thought and I've tried to find my comfort zone. But every single time I'm with him or he tries to comfy up with me, I…it's like I'm acting out a fucking movie or something."

She was silent for a while. "Emma, she's not coming back. You're wondering why she hasn't come back."

I didn't answer.

"The only thing that was holding Regina here was Henry. Maybe she found her castle again and decided to stay because she made this choice. And I'm not saying it was the best thing. But she…she chose Robin."

"I can't stop thinking about her. Every single time I think of my engagement to Neal, I keep…I just keep remembering her", I said suddenly angered, turning to face her, "she would never give up on Henry."

"But she gave up on you." Snow said quietly. "Emma, it's hurtful and it's painful but that's what happened. She left. And if she wants to come back, she will come back. We've been through this before over and over again." And she sighed. "Gold told you what she said, didn't he?"

According to him, she had said "tell them I'm fine and I'll be back some day". He had also said that Regina was expecting a baby. That part killed me the most. It made me die inside to even hear of her deciding to do that with Robin. End of story. And if I hung unto that, two years passing now, then I should probably be so angry with her. Those words sounded like what Regina would say because no matter how affected she was by a situation, no matter how bad something affected her, she always denied it. She always would conceal things from anyone, even me. And for her to just say that, to tell me she's fine and she'll be back some day when two years had passed. If you summed in the one year I had been living a dream then that would be three freaking years. No.

She had decided to never return.

"Then I should go back", I stated. "I should go back and find her."

"I think you're too stressed out", Snow said quietly, "just relax, okay? Don't worry about that."

"I'm not stressed out! I'm fed up with this, all of this!"

"You should let her go, Emma. You have your wedding coming up in two weeks. You have a man who loves you so much and your son. You just need to let her go."

I couldn't allow myself to sink her words in.

"Emma, listen to me", Snow said quietly, "she chose him over you. She has made a choice. And she has a baby on the way. Regina is trying to have her happy ending. And she's not considering you in her life."

"Thanks for making me feel so bad now", I said, shaking my head.

"Well it's the truth, isn't it?" she asked, frowning, "you have a family now, your family. And she wished you the best of luck. Just live and stop worrying about her."

"It's easier said than done", I said.

That night, when Neal was at the bar, it was possibly around 2 am and I was captivated by my nightmares again. This time they came much more terrible than before, wrapping me in tormenting nets of capture and squeezing my mind with fear.

* * *

But in this one, Regina was dying.

"_Where is she?" I heard myself asking, watching on as my figure rushed forth into the room of a hospital, my eyes meeting those of Ruby, Whale, and Robin. His eyes were captivated by stronger feelings as they met mine, holding his stare for a few seconds until he looked away._

_And she was lying on the bed next to them, a white sheet across her slight form as those leather boots, the same pair she was wearing before peeked out from under one end. But I could not see her face just yet because my vision was blocked. The pain in my chest was tremendous though. I could even feel it from the other side of the dream, and stepping towards the bed, my eyes resting upon her figure, I saw her shudder, and tears burnt my eyes, stung them like pepper._

"_Emma…" her voice was so hoarse and laced with pain that I stopped breathing immediately, rushing forth and pushing them away from next to her. Yet he remained standing there, almost like a protective guard._

"_Regina!" I heard myself say, tears rolling down my cheeks as her face turned, dark familiar eyes meeting mine. And the tears just ran like a river for the sight of her lying there killed me. She was almost consumed by death already. I could see it in her eyes, that look of darkness, her pupils trying to focus, her skin so, so pale._

"_No", I choked, studying her face as she did mine. _

"_I…" and she tried to steady her husky voice and fight the pain, "I had a girl…"_

"_A…" my eyes were lifted to search the man's face, seeking out answers, "she…"_

"_A baby girl", he said softly, watching me, worry in his eyes now, eyes that once held a look of conflict when they were focused on me, "this morning at five am."_

"_That's…that's great!" I declared with my eyes lighting up, reaching down to take hold of her left hand absentmindedly. Yet when I did, all I could feel was the coldness from within her, her body giving up. "But…" and my eyes darkened now._

"_Emma…" she said to me, a tear leaking from her left eye, blinking back tears as she gazed at me, "I just wanted to…see…you."_

"_What happened?" I asked of the man standing there, anger in my voice. "What's wrong with her?"_

"_We…she went into labor whilst we were on the road last night", Robin said to me, his eyes wet with tears, "and before we could get her to a hospital she had already lost too much blood. And the flu, it had gotten to her earlier this week…it weakened her."_

"_The doctor says that she's got to be strong to…" Ruby said softly._

"_You're not going to die", I said forcefully, looking at her. "Regina, I've been through this before. You've got to focus and…pull through it. You have a baby girl to look after", and I smiled. She did too. "She's going to need a mom, and so does Henry. Don't slip away."_

"_I…named…her…Emma", she said softly, still holding my hand, her hands feeling so cold and rough within my grasp, "because of you…"_

_There was silence in the room. And I knew why now. But I ignored them all, even him._

"_I…"_

"_Emma, you…" and she swallowed, her eyes wet, "I'm sorry…"_

"_You're going to do this!" I said gazing at her, squeezing her hand, "you're going to do this, Regina! Don't you…give up."_

And then the scene changed, snatched from my mind by a hand, then I was racing down a corridor, my feet almost tripping me over when the doctor blocked the doorway. When our eyes met, I knew from his look alone what had happened. The dream ended with me jolting up, screaming as I watched them adjust her on the bed, her body limp when a hand was wrapped around her. Her head rolled back lifelessly, the dark curtain of her hair splayed across the white pillow behind her. Hands were grabbing at me, and I lashed at them with tears in my eyes as Ruby tried to hold me back.

* * *

"No!" I woke up shouting, gripping the sheets under me, my face wet with tears. "Regina!"

Chest heaving, trying to catch my breath, I curled up into a ball and choked through sobs that wracked me with pain. What did this mean? Was she dead? Had she died and I hadn't heard of it? Where was she? The dream felt so real, almost as if I could feel exactly what had occurred up to a point where me holding out my hand before me, I could actually feel the soft coldness of her hand within my grasp.

My eyes were wide as I cried, staring at my hands, moving it around before me. And springing off my bed, I rushed to the bathroom all of a sudden, pushing the door open and grabbing at the walls as nausea overwhelmed me. Then I emptied the contents of my stomach into the whirly white of the toilet, spitting bitter bile, nails digging into the porcelain. I sat there hugging my knees, my blonde hair falling around me as I just stared at the blue tiled walls around the space, demented and scared. I felt alone.

For the very first time in my life, I honestly believed that the pain would kill me because my chest wouldn't stop aching. It felt as if there was a thunderstorm in there lashing at my lungs and ravishing me with tears. With the light switched off, I just rocked back and forth, burying my face into the space between my knees and I kept crying, calling her name over and over again, kicking the bathroom door shut to seal off the confined space.

"I want you", I choked, my chest convulsing, "come back, please. Please. Where are you? Why did you leave me? Regina, I love you and…I never stopped. I can't stop…can you feel me? I want…"

And then there was the sound of a car door slamming in the driveway then Neal's laughter. Even a happy sound like that grated at my nerves and it sickened me. I don't know how long I stayed in there, probably an hour or more. But when he knocked, I just told him I needed a moment and everything would be alright. I lied because nothing was alright. It never would be between him and me. This, what I had put myself into, it was just for Henry's sake and not mine. The days that went by with me being engaged to him, it was a lie and it was ripping me to shreds. Someday I'd have to leave him, or maybe I'd move past this and grow to love him again. Maybe someday would come where I'd sit upon a porch with him, us two old folks and I'd treasure being in a safe marriage but never a happy one.

Because there was only one person I wanted to be happy with.

* * *

Two days after, I still found myself rushing to the toilet to empty the contents of my stomach. And Neal thought I was pregnant. The thing is, we had been intimate, and we had sex like a normal couple. But the moments when I'd lie beneath him as he moved above me, it left me feeling raw, and empty inside. Faking an orgasm had become something of practice to me, until I just gave up and allowed him to please himself with pleasure. We never had a full kiss because I felt nothing. All I did was return enough since he could never give me everything I wanted.

Then, before we knew it, the wedding was a week away and Christmas was almost here for it was midway in November already. And as I walked by the shops one afternoon on my way home from work, my eyes met red bows and Santa figurines that made me smile. I figured that if my mind became lost in another trail of thought for just one minute, at least I would have that one moment of happiness. That's why I pushed the door inwards to enter the new shop Ruby had opened a little way down the road from the Diner. And in I went, hugging myself as my eyes moved over sexy Santa baby dresses and all sorts of kinky stuff within her store.

Her eyes began to dance with excitement when she saw me. "Emma, hi!" and hands were held out as she rushed forward, us embracing in a warm hug.

"I see you're prepared already", I noted, glancing around here and there.

"Yeah well Christmas was always my favorite time of the year and it's the first year here since I've opened shop. I figured why not give the place a little flash of my style?"

"I like the outfits", I said smiling, pointing at the rack with the dresses hung up on hangers. "They're…super sexy."

"You have to buy one!" she exclaimed, clapping her hands in glee, eyes shining, "wear it on Christmas day!"

"Ruby, are you mad or what?" I asked, turning to stare wide eye at her. "That thing wouldn't even reach a foot below my butt. People would be staring at me as if I'm a whore or something."

"Fuck them", she said, and moved to take a hanger off the pole, then she held it up before her, sizing it up against me, "wear it with a black leather pants. Or black stockings for that matter, high heels and…" just for a moment I blinked away the flicker of pain, and looked away quickly, reaching up to tuck my hair behind an ear. "Emma…"

Just for a moment in time, everything stood still and I could honestly hear her come in behind me. Then I'd turn and find her standing there in her tailored skirt suit, wearing her black stockings and high heels. Or when they had told me about her taste for leather pants when she was reigning as Queen in the world they grew up in. Not me.

"It's nothing", I said and forced out a laugh, then I motioned towards the pile of neatly folded sweaters with embroidered Christmas glamour on them, "I might get Henry one of those. Neal too."

"Hey, is everything okay?" she asked, her eyes filled with worry and she moved towards me, studying my face.

"What? Yeah", I lied, then I tugged at my handbag strap, adjusting it on my shoulder as I looked around, anything to avoid her eyes. "I'm just kind of feeling down these days. Nothing big though, you know…those times…"

"Ohhh, eesh!" and that seemed to convince her, "those times are fucking terrible for me too. If I could take one thing away, I'd fucking kill my period. Stab it."

"I…" I considered her with a frown, raising an eyebrow. "That's a graphical way to put it."

"Yeah, well…it's a bitch." Her hand moved to put back the dress on the rack, then she looked around and back at me, "next time you see your mother, please tell her I'd like to pass on the lemon cake."

"Oh shit, you too?" I asked now, smiling, "just saw Archie and he told me the same thing. I swear, what is wrong with her?"

"Cravings maybe", Ruby suggested, she shrugged and then sashayed back to the counter as the bell jingled, and Ariel walked in. "Ariel!"

I honestly believed Ariel had made a major advancement in fashion from the very first time she chose to keep her legs. The girl rocked fashion now even more than Ruby, me suspecting that her hanging out with the later had something to do with all of it. Nevertheless, she always could astonish me with the combination of an outfit. Like today, she had on this yellow polka dot dress with black leggings and knee high boots, dangling silver earrings and red lipstick. A black clutch purse was added too, almost too elegantly.

"Hey Emma! Ruby! I was just passing by and saw the dresses hung up in front!" and she gasped, looking around once more. "They are soo gorgeous!"

"I know right! You soo must buy one!"

"I'm here to do that right now!" Ariel exclaimed and I rolled my eyes. "Help me choose?"

"Sure thing!" and as Ruby walked back to the rack of dresses, I told them I'd be going then left.

* * *

For a while now, we had these family nights where my parents would come over by us, or we'd go over by them. And we'd just eat and maybe play a game, talking and so on. Nights like that ended with me feeling warm but never quite complete. But everyone else enjoyed it, and I tried to hide my dissatisfaction behind smiles that would ached my face all the time.

Tonight was one of those nights and honestly, I just wanted to skip it for the first time since it had started. I wasn't feeling up to it, and neither was Henry. But when he heard that his grandmother was baking macaroni and cheese, topped with chicken salad, Henry darted to the bathroom, finishing in less than half an hour.

And Neal was looking at me.

"What?" I asked, looking back.

"You're not going?"

"I…" bending down, I picked up a cushion and squeezed it against my chest, then sighed. "I'm not feeling that well. You two should go, though. Save some cake for me afterwards."

"Emma…" Neal said now, stepping tentatively towards me, worry in his eyes, "what's going on with you? Are you alright?"

How stupid it could be for your fiancé to not even know how much you were hurting, asking you if you were alright. What could I say?

"I'm fine", I lied, "just, you know, having these terrible cramps and all. I think I need to miss this one night."

Cramps always did the trick for Neal, whether it was anything period wise to the mention of pads, he'd take it as a total excuse as if it was me admitting I had the flu. I'd be ordered to go to bed or all the duties, the housework would be snatched from my part, him choosing to do everything. He was such a nice guy, so considerate and warm, loving. Yet, he would never…

"Yeah, that…" and he eyed me with worry, "well, take a pill and rest then, feet up. I'll slip in a word to your parents. Get some rest and when I get back, I must find you not doing anything, alright?"

I had to smile. "Right."

"Watch some movie, listen to music or read some more."

"Dad", Henry was ready and he was fidgeting, "I'm hungry, so can we go already?"

"Sure kiddo", Neal said and he turned to give me look, smiling, "I guess he took that one from me, always anxious to eat."

"Just…not the lemon cake", Henry said and scowled.

We both laughed.

When they left, I did just as I was ordered and within half an hour, I was already engrossed in my novel once more. Feet propped up on an arm of the couch, head resting on a pillow, I snugged deeper within the cushions as they sighed under me. Then I read. But the more I read, about romance and this person falling in love with the other, I just couldn't help but feel disgusted with the words before me. Growling…I snapped the book close and reached out to push it across the glass table, and then adjusting myself on the chair, I closed my eyes and welcomed the peace around me.

Within two years I had become more than a mother than ever before. Homework, dealing with him asking about girls, the little tantrums about how he wanted to dress, trying to moderate his candy intake…how did she do it? Ten years she had been my son's mother, and sometimes when I'd look at him, I'd remember her so much, that it would make my knees weak and I'd have to look away. It's hard to feel that way when you're looking at your son. He reminds you of someone that you wish to forget…someone who had broken your heart just because she had done…nothing.

Nothing.

Those nights in Neverland, the ones that we had shared, our last times spent together, not even as friends but as acquaintances, I could never forget them at all. Yes, we had been making progress to become closer as friends just for Henry's sake, but there had always been tension between us because she never could understand my pain. I not only had been searching for our son, but I had also been trying to find a way to tell her exactly how I felt about her. Sometimes when we'd find ourselves alone, apart from the others, I used to just look back at her and the words would be on the tip of my tongue, then I'd bite them back when she'd look back at me, her eyes searching mine.

Like when she had told me that she and Tinkerbell had a complicated past, honestly in that moment, I read between the lines just because I wanted to. It was what my heart needed to hear, that she'd somehow tell me she was interested in women, she had been romantically involved with Tink, and then I'd know that it would be easier for me to tell her how I felt. But could it have been easier even then?

Every fucking time she used to remind me that we were stronger when combined, I'd want to shut her up with a kiss. Because that's how she used to make me feel, so angry and so driven to love her, driven by passion.

Many nights when we'd be trekking and she'd be walking beside me, my fingers used to twitch as I'd long to hang back and grab her, pushing her against a tree as I kissed her hard. But it never happened.

That love triangle I was caught in with Hook and Neal: I was never interested. It never bothered me. All I wanted was her.

The way we had been, me calling her a monster because she just angered me. She just…every time I looked at Regina in Neverland, I always used to hate her for having me love her so much. And I never actually could remember the first time I fell in love with her. Maybe it was the first time we met, or that one time when I believed she was going to die, and the stone would blast her to pieces, me never seeing her again. But in Neverland, my feelings grew stronger for her. And I thank God she wasn't in the Echo Cave with us because I believed I would have confessed my feelings to her in front of all of them no matter what. I would have told her.

Looking back now, I wanted to believe I was so stupid to not tell her anything. The times when she taught me magic, how to light a fire, when she'd step behind me, her hands reaching out to steady mine as she commanded me to focus. When I had called her a villain and she had retaliated by asking me what my talent was as a Savior. But the most painful moments of all were when we'd have to camp out and sleep, especially when she'd separate herself from us because she felt it was needed, expected. And I'd watch her drag her sleeping bag away from us, further into the trees as my eyes would burn. One time I actually did the same, moving mine closer to where she slept, masking my intentions from her.

And we slept three feet apart from each other, yet it felt like she was somewhere in Asia and I was stuck in South America.

How is it that I could still remember how she smelt? I even found myself wandering the perfume aisle in this gift shop once in Boston just to see if I could find that perfume. There Neal had found me sniffing perfumes, one after the other. And he had told me to choose one, anyone. He'd buy it. I spent like half an hour trying to find her perfume and then I just gave up then, realizing that if I did find it and bought it, then my mother, everyone would know the smell. They'd know.

But I wanted them to know. I had told my mom and dad knew too. Henry didn't know and neither did Neal. But he wasn't stupid. He probably knew that something was bothering me. Both of them probably noticed my change.

* * *

I remembered when I had told mom and dad about it. It had been two weeks after she had left and they began to see less of me around. Inviting me over one night, mom made chicken soup because it was raining and dad had brought out this sheet, spreading it flat upon the apartment's floor so that we could sit in the dark around the candlelight and just be cozy. The power had been out. And as the rain lashed onto the roof ahead, as the windows grew fuzzy with water, as there was a chill in the air, I began to cry.

"_What's wrong, Emma?" my mother had said quickly, "sweetie what's wrong?" _

_And as dad began to rub my back, his forehead creased in concern, I decided that I just had to tell someone. I had to tell them. They were the last people in the world I'd probably consider telling because they knew her more than anyone else. But I told them._

"_I have something to tell you", I said as I hung my head, reaching up to wipe my eyes, the feel of hot tears on my numb fingers._

"_What is it? What happened, Emma?"_

"_I did the one thing you will hate me for probably for the rest of my life."_

_Honestly, back then, I really didn't know how to come out and tell them. It was like I knew what I wanted to say. I knew it had a confession line. And I just couldn't begin. So I started to circle the truth, until I hit the nail. _

"_You know, you're always talking about love and having this connection", I began, never looking up fully, "you always say it's a nice feeling and mom you're always telling me that when you meet the right person, it's like your whole world just seems brighter. It's this one person you want above anyone else. But you lied about something." And I sniffed, looking her straight in the eyes. "You lied and said it was easy. Love isn't easy and it isn't the happiest feeling in the world."_

"_Oh it is when you meet the right person", she actually tried to confirm again, this time with a smile._

"_What if the right person, this person who you realize that from the first time you met, you fell in love, this person that used to make you so freaking angry, until you stopped hating, and started loving, what if this person just makes you think of forever, what if she just walked away to live her life with someone else?"_

_For a moment they both remained silent. I suppose dad didn't get it at first. But mom did. And she just chose to look at me, waiting, probably waiting for me to laugh about it and say it was a joke._

"_Regina…" she said quietly._

_Dad gasped. "Regina?"_

_I nodded, cowering, waiting._

"_Emma…" and my mother probably did the one thing that shocked me, but I will always remember her for. "Oh sweetheart!" she exclaimed, and on her knees, she came towards me then I was wrapped in a hug that popped my eyes open. _

_I didn't know what the hell to say after that. But dad basically drilled me about the past and what had happened, how they never trusted._

"_But coming to think of it, I kind of picked up something from you", dad said, barely smiling, "that one time when she showed up at the welcome back party we held for you and your mother. And you told us that she just wants to change. You looked too happy. Well you always believed in her when we never did."_

"_Most times, it just really puzzled me", Snow said but she wasn't smiling. "But I honestly was worried that it was the other way around, that Regina was in love with you. I honestly thought that!"_

_I was puzzled. "Why would you think that?"_

"_I…" she lowered her head and frowned, "never told you this but I guess I should now. When we were in Neverland, one night all of you were asleep and I couldn't sleep. She neither. So we sat there talking. And there came a point in the conversation where your name came up. We began to talk about you, how you brought all of us closer together. And I asked her how is it that when you two work together magic-wise, you're both stronger. And she said it's because the two of you have a very special connection, one that is unique and powerful."_

_I was frozen._

"_Added to that, although I'm still getting adjusted to this new news, Regina once told me that when she was about to destroy the town with all of us here, she wouldn't only take Henry with her. She'd also take you, because you're Henry's mother too."_

_Didn't they know they were just making it worse for me? None of this would bring her back._

"_Well now she's gone", I said in between. "Something you're both forgetting."_

"_Everything happens for a reason, Emma", dad said reassuringly. "And I'm not trying to be infuriatingly optimistic this time, don't worry." He frowned. "All we can both tell you, I guess, is that things will get better, you'll see."_

"_How can things get better?" I asked, "she's gone."_

"_And if it's meant to be, she would have stayed."_

"_I never…told her. It's my fault."_

"_Something you cannot hold unto for the rest of your life, you just cannot hold unto that, Emma", Snow said in a sad voice. "All you can do right now, is to hold unto the memories you have and realize that above all, you were the one person who believed in her when we all stopped. You were always there for her and that's what she needed. You became her friend, someone she talked to and changed for. She will always be there in your memories."_

"_And I am sure that wherever Regina is, she's always thinking of you", dad said as he rubbed my shoulder. "Give it time. Don't stress over it. Maybe what you need is to give it time."_

Come to think of it, maybe they were both happy that she had left my life, right? That's why they were suddenly being so supportive of it all. They were happy that she was gone because now we just couldn't work. I couldn't be with her and that was something they feared.

* * *

I guess I did fall asleep from these thoughts, thoughts of her smiling at me, laughing at me. But the next thing I knew was that I was wide awake, my senses tingling. Something had started me up, had snatched me from my dreams. But what was it? Sitting up, I rubbed my eyes, my fists balled and then I peered around. I had magic. I could use it if there was an intruder. But nothing moved in the house. Something moved behind the house and I could hear it. There was a sound. Figuring it was just a dog, I rested my head back on the pillow and listened.

Then after a few seconds passed, I switched on the television, flicking through the channels, remote in hand. BBC seemed interesting, but so did the Lifetime Movie Channel, but after seeing a couple making love, I just switched it off. Then I tossed the remote across the chair. It began to rain hard outside, thunder cracking above, and then the room would flash with lightening. I liked this weather. It matched how I was feeling inside.

We were in the middle of planning my wedding. There were decorations on the table, and everywhere. Ruby had already sewn my wedding dress with Granny's help. And here I was thinking about a woman who had left and would never come back.

And then there was a knock on the front door.

My eyes flew wide open, but then gathering composure, I wondered who it was. Probably Ruby coming over, because Neal and Henry wouldn't return so soon. Pushing myself up, I dragged my feet towards the door, eyes groggy, stifling a yawn behind my hand.

"Who is it?" I asked, studying the stained glass on the door.

There was no answer.

I was so not focused that turning the knob without even thinking, that was what I did because of just waking from sleep. And when I pulled the door open, I was ready to be all nice and helpful or whatever would come.

But when I saw her standing there drenched from head to toe from the rain, the blood drained from my head. My knees grew weak, and I had to hold unto the door to maintain balance as we gazed at each other. And I gasped.

"Emma…" she said in her hoarse voice, that familiar tone, not so rusty but husky and low.

It was her. It was really her. And she was there, standing in front of me. I think I just died, because my blood froze and I couldn't…breathe.

"Regina?"

I wanted to cry. I wanted to faint. I couldn't move because after close to two years her hair still looked the same, her face was lined more with age. She had gained weight. And she was really pregnant, her baby bump showing but not full. And the thing that shocked me the most was her smell. She smelt the same way. And from the moment the scent captivated my nostrils and mind, I had to blink back to focus.

"How…" I asked, watching her chest heave as she continued to drip with rain water, her clothes different now. She was wearing just black jeans and a long navy blue shirt, a black chemise underneath.

And she was crying. Her eyes were swollen. There was a blue duffel bag that she clutched in one hand and it hung, the bottom leaking. Yet when she shuddered from the pinch of the cold outside, her right hand resting on her midsection, her lips parted, I think I suddenly began to doubt whether she was real or not.

"Will you let me in?" she asked hoarsely. "We need to…talk. I've come back…for you and Henry." And she smiled weakly. Then I died inside.

* * *

**REVIEW US? **

**Do you like this version? I mean, it's safer for us and our feels to write in the far future or AU because WE CANNOT write based on the current plotline of the show. We might just die, honestly. But Chad and I had to do this one over. And I hope it came out better, for those who read the other version. Maybe the time might be a bit mixed up in some parts. But basically you get the idea.**

**Give me apples, lots of them. And someone fans me with a branch whilst I sip wine. Review and tell me if you like**.


	2. Waiting On The First Move

**Chapter Two **

"**Waiting On The First Move"**

**[BEFORE REGINA LEFT STORYBROOKE]**

**Part One**

I think, based on a fair estimation of where I stand now, peering back into the past as it is, I indeed managed to let her go four consecutive times within a span of less than four years. Four times…

Each time these situations managed to happen, I'd stand there, and these feelings would drench me in cold sweat as my aching heart trembled within my chest. I would stand there and watch her go, walking away from me, depending on her to make the first bold move, to turn around and run back to me. And it wasn't because of my weakness or the fact that I had lost my strength, or that my boldness had ran away from me, and my mind wasn't brave enough to step forward before her. It was because of my gut wrenching fear that if I managed to make the first move, she'd retaliate with denial and for the second time around, I'd be left to drown in the final demise of my shattered heart.

I think that above all, if she ever rejected me after I confessed my feelings to her, well…I'd die.

The first time I let her go had been terrible for me as it was. It had been so quick, almost like a flash and within a span of seconds; I believed that she was gone forever from my life. There had been a guilty moment of relief, because of this belief inside of me that she was an intense threat concerning my relationship with my son. And to have her gotten rid of so easily should be pleasantly welcomed on my part. But after that one time, after she fell through the portal, arms flailing and emerald eyes wide, those eyes that stared wildly at me, I realized that my hatred was a façade. It had been built on the shady belief that I could protect my heart by covering the truth up with lies. I'd lie and I'd build a wall of stone to lock those stirring feelings out. But in those last few seconds when she called my name, I realized I had been living a lie ever since the first time we met.

Then I brought her back, didn't I?

And that brings me back to that night, a cold windy one with an overcast sky, pinching my face with a chilly breeze as the leaves rustled around us. The scene was frightful before she arrived and my mind grew nonchalant when our eyes met for the first time. I believe that after we made our introductions, I was clearly supposed to hate her, this threat, a woman who boldly decided to come back with my son, to stand before me as if she had any right in his life after what she did.

She just stood there, so young with her wide emerald eyes and her…beautiful blonde hair, her ridiculous red leather jacket and that awful cap she chose to wear. Yet instead of hating her, my mind was screaming to chase her away, to yell at her and order her to get the hell in her car and never come back. But something happened to me when she told me hi and our eyes met. I think I was bewitched by her eyes when she looked at me. And maybe that's why I kept trying to chase her away so many times after that because she managed to frighten me with her boldness, who she was and what she wanted. I saw everything in her eyes.

The second time had been in the destruction of the town in relation to the stone. I kept waiting on her words to come. I was giving her subtle hints regarding my feelings, never being direct but maintaining eye contact. And yet she just walked away.

But she came back for me.

The third time was Pan's curse. I held her hand. And I never wanted to release my grip because when I did, I guiltily held unto a moment that I knew could never last because her touch, to touch her in any way just managed to destroy my doubts. Every single night afterwards, I kept reliving that last moment in my dreams, when she got in her car and drove away from me because I had ordered her to. It had been my fault, all of it. I blamed myself for everything and that's why I worked so hard to find a way to get her back, to make her come back to me, using any excuse possible. I sent Hook.

And she came back.

I kept waiting. I kept…pushing forward and waiting on her to come to me because somehow deep down inside myself, I felt that she would. I honestly believed that if I waited just a few seconds more, the time would finally come. Seconds turned into minutes, minutes turned into hours, hours spent at my window gazing outside towards my gate that never was kept locked but opened just waiting for her hand to push it inwards. I sat there as I drank my coffee in the mornings, feeling the liquid scald the tip of my tongue as I licked my lips and waited, eyes focused on that gate, waiting. Then she'd drive by, or she'd come to pick Henry up and Emma never came in.

When she finally did come in six months after, I fucked it up because if it was one thing I managed to get right every time we met was me saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. And because she could hang on my words, somehow sifting through my replies with a fine teeth comb, that time I believe my attempt to vent my jealousy wasn't appropriate.

"It's been a long time since I came in here", she said, huffing out a sigh as her emerald eyes swept across the interior, resting on my new addition which was a heavy oak desk that had been in the garage for years. "That…" she said pointing, "is new."

"Very good", I said smiling, my hands behind my back, my gaze roaming her lanky figure as she stood there with a hand shoved deep into her jeans pocket, her hair tumbling over that red leather jacket. "I had it gathering dust in storage so I had a change of mind and I polished it and…there it is."

She laughed. I smiled. And then we stopped as our eyes met, as she suddenly saw something within me that I wasn't aware of. And when her expression changed within seconds, I quickly glanced away towards the front window, realizing that I had been sitting there a few minutes ago before she drove up and pushed the gate open.

"Hey I know I've been distant ever since I came back. And…" she waved a hand, "it's mainly because of the fact that I'm still getting used to having this one year memory lapse. Plus mom and dad, they're more than protective as of recent."

I smiled at her. "Oh that's understandable."

"Treating me like a teenager, geez", and she took a step forward, looking around as a boot toed the floor, eyes lowered, "anyway, what's your excuse?"

I was puzzled in relation to her question. "My…excuse?"

"Shutting yourself away in here, you stopped eating breakfast at the Diner, from work you'd come straight home, you never come out to even wave when I come by to pick up Henry, not even sending an apple my way, no visits to the Sheriff's office anymore. I get the feeling that you're avoiding me."

The fact that she had been keeping tabs on me was supposed to anger in a way, a very small way. But it didn't. What I thought of her actions was considerably new to me. On any other occasion before, possibly in the first year we had been acquainted, I would have been suspicious of her motives in checking up on me. Now I was somewhat guiltily aware of the happiness that washed over my heart because she hadn't forgotten me. She had remembered enough to realize that I had been keeping my distance from her.

"Checking up on me?" I asked with my eyes lowered, removing my hands from behind my back as I stepped towards the wall just near the telephone.

"I'm observant."

"I've been around, maybe haven't crossed paths with you, that's all." That was a lie. Whenever I'd see her, or catch a glimpse of her red leather jacket, my heels would turn and I'd head in the other direction.

"I saw you this morning at the Pharmacy, Regina", she said watching me directly in my eyes, "I know you saw me. And then you just left."

"I didn't see you."

"Oh", she said, lowering her eyes. "My mistake. Neal said he could have sworn that you looked right at me and then you just left. So he was wondering if maybe I did something wrong, or we had a fall out to which I told him no because we haven't spoken to each other in weeks."

Neal.

So she was still seeing him, or so her mother had informed me.

"I missed you, believe it or not", she said.

I lifted my eyes to stare at her, and it happened again. As soon as she met my gaze, something happened. And on my side, I felt a pull, a feel of intensity that tugged at my heart strings, which dizzied my head. But she looked away.

"Hey", she said suddenly, lifting her eyes to look at me once more, "let's grab something to eat tonight, just you and me."

My heart was racing, and I couldn't breathe. "That would be…great", I said smiling, my hands a bit shaky so I kept them behind my back.

"No, wait…crap", and she kicked the floor, eyes lowered, "Neal invited me to this opening…he's opening this place on Main Street."

"It's fine", I said quickly.

"How about I call you afterwards and…"

"No, it's fine, really", and I breathed in deeply, my heart aching, "I get it."

She waited awhile. "You get what?"

And I realized that by just saying three little words, I had fucked up. "Nothing."

"Regina…"

"What?" I asked, avoiding her eyes.

"Spill it."

"Henry?" I called quickly, my eyes cast towards the steps, throat parched as reached down to rub my sweaty palms against my skirt, fingers numb already.

"I'm coming!" he replied, and there he was suddenly appearing at the head of the stairs, his duffel bag swollen with whatever he needed for his night that would be spent at the Charmings. "I just had to fit my gadgets in my bag."

She was still watching me. And I cleared my throat then stepped away from the wall, never meeting her eyes. "Enjoy yourself", I said as my footsteps led me away from her, somewhere else but there. Leave, Emma, please leave.

"Wait in the car", I heard her say in a low voice and then there were footfalls behind me as she followed.

Quickening my steps, my head spinning, stomach in a knot, and knees weak, I kept walking until my eyes met the knob of the door leading into my office. And reaching out to grab a hold of it, I hastened my escape into the room, closing the door behind me. But it would never keep her away from me because when she was determined, she would never stop to corner me, to pummel me with questions, to find the truth. And pushing the door open, her boots padded upon my carpeted floor as she came in behind me.

"I'm not going to ask again", she warned.

"Neal", I said finally, moving behind my desk where I somehow felt protected because of the desk between us, "maybe I just cannot wrap my mind around the logics behind it."

"This is about Neal?" and she raised an eyebrow. "He's bothering you?"

"Yes…he is because…" I lowered my eyes to move a fingernail across my desk, finding that I could not breathe properly, "as a friend, I must tell you that I know this much: Neal isn't worth your time because of what he did to you."

"As a friend…" she said, and that was all. It was as if Emma hasn't heard the remaining words I had said.

"Aren't we friends?" I asked.

She took a long time before there was a reply, and something changed in Emma's eyes. I saw it and suddenly something within me stirred. It was almost like the moment you realized your words had more meaning than you anticipated. But I couldn't quite grasp her full meaning. I had my suspicions. I also had my growing ways of becoming paranoid when it concerned her.

"You tell me", she said quietly.

Her words as they were probably burnt me either way. And I would have gone with my paranoia in believing the opposite, had she not continued her line of thought, succeeding in driving from within me this rage fueled from jealousy.

"What am I to you then?" I asked. "Actually, you know what; forget I passed my concerns your way this evening."

"I'm glad you've realized that it's actually none of your business. It's my life."

"I'm sorry", I said in a hoarse voice, my eyes stinging. "Neal doesn't...that's not love." I shook my head.

"And what the hell do you know about love?" she asked. "Believe it or not, he was brave enough to man it up and explain himself, why he did what he did. If he didn't do whatever was done, then we'd be living somewhere in the middle of nowhere and Henry…he'd be a figment of your imagination."

"So you think that sick game he's playing with you is love?"

"What sick game?" she asked in disbelief.

"He's trying to…" and I waved my hand in front of me, "… woo you over again and he's trying to start this…family again when you know to yourself that it has happened before."

"Why the sudden interest in my relationship with Neal?" her eyes were narrowed now.

"Our son needs to have a proper example to follow", I stated, my eyes focused on her.

"Oh stop being so judgmental, and don't you even begin to speak about someone being a good example."

"I have proven myself", I said, severely hurt by her words because they stung me. "How dare you."

"I'm not speaking personally to you. I'm just saying that you, me, Neal…we aren't exactly all innocent and our slates sure as hell aren't wiped clean because I've done shit. I've fucked up before and I understand things."

"How can you even love him after what he did to you?" I asked, watching her directly. "Why don't you just wake up and realize that you're setting yourself up to get hurt again?" I asked, my eyes pinched from emotion, "that he's not worth it and you're just building on more hurt, more pain and more regrets."

"Either way", she said without skipping a beat, "whether I give him a chance or not, I'll still end up getting hurt because even if I loved someone else, that person most likely doesn't want the same thing that I want, braving it up to just take that step."

"Emma…" I said, as she turned on her heels and strode to the door.

"What?" and she stopped, turning to look at me. "If you have something to say to me, say it now."

I said nothing.

"That's what I thought", she chose to say, "it's surprising, isn't it? That you always have something to say and yet now, you suddenly…you're speechless."

"Maybe if I say what's on my mind then we'll never be friends again."

"Never stopped you before", she said angrily.

She stared at me for a long time, and the flash of anger in her eyes was suddenly gone as if with one blink, it could eradicate itself. I kept waiting on her even in that moment to talk to me. I was so stupid, I kept throwing hints and like she said, I wasn't brave enough, because she had to be referring to me. Or maybe that was my paranoia acting up again since it could be anyone else. It could be the Pirate who had been flirting with her or so I heard from Henry. But he was brave enough. Hadn't he kissed her in Neverland and then related as such to me just when we had returned? It could never be me. Who was I to deserve a woman like her in the first place? I wasn't a man. And she had two chasing after her, so where the hell would I even stand to compete against them?

And she pulled the door open then she was gone, her footfalls headed towards the front door, leaving me to gasp in her wake.

* * *

For about three nights after that I kept replaying that scene in my head over and over again. My jealousy had been evident, that much I knew for sure. I decided to push it a step further even if it was a month after that. Henry alerted me on her lonely Friday nights, the nights when she suddenly had nothing to do. And on those nights, Neal had to work the night shift, digging into paperwork as he closed off the week. So I did what I felt I needed to do deep down inside my heart. If I didn't then most likely that weekend would have been horrible for me.

Picking up my cell, I called her and when she didn't answer on the first try, I tried again. And then Neal answered her phone and I ended the call as fast as I could. Leaning against the wall just near the door leading into my kitchen area, tears pinched my eyes and I cried. I don't know what happened to me in that moment but sinking to the floor, glad that my son wasn't home but at school, I hugged my knees, skirt bunching up around my thighs and I sobbed.

I cried because of what I had done, of how stupid I was to actually believe that attacking her with denials on Neal's actions would somehow warrant me more respect in her eyes. Sitting there with my heels digging into my polished floor, my chest heaving from emotion, I suddenly realized that if I could not have Emma understand how much I loved her, then I'd suffer immensely from another broken heart. And after something had been broken one time, the second time around most likely would be twice as worst.

Probably you'd wonder how in the world Regina could become like this, unlike myself when I'm supposed to be stronger. If that is the case then you would know now how deeply Emma had an effect on me.

In between my thoughts on how I should keep on locking myself away and avoiding everyone as best as I could, my cell phone began to ring. I had left it on the table near the telephone just in the front hall and from where I sat, I could see it. But the energy to get up, to stand as much as I was shaking and to walk to retrieve it: I couldn't do it. So I just remained where I was and pummeled the floor with my clenched fists, my nails biting into the palms of my hands, biting my lips as I screamed internally.

I remained there for almost an hour.

And then pushing myself up, the heels of my boots shaky since my knees were weak, I growled when the rip in my stockings met my eyes. Moving to the kitchen, my thoughts discarded because upon getting up, my intentions had been to retrieve my cell, I made my way to the kitchen. Then after pouring out a full glass of Vodka, just like that I swallowed it in one go. Then another, feeling the liquid burn my throat as tears pinched my eyes hard. I squeezed them shut, voices screaming in my head, telling me to man it up and call her, to tell her, just tell her and get it off my chest.

Clenching my fists, I strode towards the telephone and dialed her cell number. Snow picked up after three rings.

"Hii, Regina!" she exclaimed, and I cringed.

"How are you Snow?" I asked, just for formality.

"I'm peachy, and you? YOU", she said the last word with quite an impressive effect, "you've cancelled again on our dinner date. What's happening?"

"Nothing", I lied.

"Regina, we're family now."

"I'm fully aware of that, Snow."

"So what's the problem? Having doubts?"

"No, I am just busy with work as usual, usual paperwork, long day."

"Come over now, let's have a drink and talk."

"I can't…" I said, my voice breaking, "I'm really exhausted and all I need is to be alone."

"Okay…" and she breathed in, "I'll ask nicely, mom will you come over?"

"Don't you dare pull that one on me", I said, but I was pinched by her sincerity. "It wouldn't work."

"Momm, okay…mother, will you…"

"No."

"Mommy?"

"Snow White! What are you, ten years old again?"

"Too much, huh? Too soon?"

"I'm just not in the mood."

"Are you ever?" and she sighed then laughed, "anyway, Emma is in the bath. I'll tell her you called."

"Thank you."

"Come over and let's stuff our faces with chocolates and cocoa, please." She would not give up. "You, me and Emma."

"Another time, dear, I promise."

"Wait, I get it. I get it!" and she gasped, yet from over the phone I could tell there was a wide grin on her face, "you're missing these days because you have a boyfriend! Woo! You sneaky woman, who is it, Robin?"

"Who?" I asked, my eyes wide.

"Robin Hood, you know, the outlaw, Roland's daddy…"

"I have no idea…"

"The guy who told you hi the other night at the bar when we had drinks with Ruby", and I remembered him immediately. "The little boy whose cheeks you pinched the other day in the supermarket when we went shopping."

"Oh that Robin…"

"Soo…"

"So what, Snow? Is he my boyfriend? No."

"Well, you know, I just thought when you take a guy's offer up to have drinks some other night, that you'd somehow be serious about it. I mean, he's a nice guy, plus he's a father. You two have a lot in common. Plus I mean, he probably is good in bed too so…"

"We are NOT having this conversation", I said directly, my eyes wide.

"Get in the game again, Regina", she said quickly, "if you look around Storybrooke, there aren't any guys left that are worth it, well if you put Whale in the picture…"

"What if I'm not interested in men, Snow?" I asked her, actually smiling by my mischievous words.

"I…am" I could just imagine her choking up, her eyes bulging, "well that's…understandable, it would…_women_?" she whispered the last word, "Geez, you just haven't met the right guy yet. I am sure that Robin would remind you of the things a man has to offer when…"

"Goodbye, Snow", I said firmly.

"…romantically wise, I can just imagine, well I'm married so I'm not speaking personally but…"

"I'm ending this call now."

"Ha", she said before ended the call and smiling to myself, I could not believe her at all: Robin Hood.

I had met him briefly one night after she had dragged me out to have drinks with her at this bar, Ruby accompanying us. And all he had done was come over to say hi, that he wanted to buy us a round of drinks and Hook wished to know if I could join him to discuss the town sponsoring renovations on his ship. I told Hood to tell Hook that he can just fuck off, with him and his pathetic ship because the nights I spent on that piece of shit, no comfort had been provided to me whatsoever. My back ached for days after sleeping in a sitting position. And he was to be blamed for it.

Robin had merely laughed, said he'd deliver the message to which I nodded and turned my eyes back to my drink before me. Snow however kept watching my right cheek and I sharply did kick her, only succeeding in driving this belief in her somewhere that I had an interest in the outlaw. He was very handsome, and he was really a gentleman, even though he had been an outlaw for most of his life. But really, I could not focus my mind on him at all because little did Snow know, I was completely in love with her daughter.

Oh how she would choke on that.

Now I found myself heading towards the staircase and stepping up with a hand gripping the banister, I realized that my vision swan. That only meant one thing: I was drunk. And I liked it.

Half an hour later that evening, I fell asleep and when I did, my dreams focused on her as usual. And somewhere in the middle of the night, I sat up with a start, my eyes wide, my legs tangled in the sheet as fingernails dug into the bed beneath me. My chest heaved as I tried to breathe, and I was drenched in sweat, my night gown sticking to my back and midsection. Lifting my hands, splaying my fingers before me, a sob escaped from within, and I suddenly realized that I couldn't breathe. Something was wrong, terribly wrong.

Fighting the sheet, almost tripping, I gasped, clutching at my chest as I fell onto the floor, my eyes wide. I was having a panic attack, and it wasn't the first time. The first time had been the moment when I finally had realized that I possibly was falling in love with her, Snow White's daughter. And the attacks just had gotten worst ever since. I had no choice but to grab for the bottle of medication seated on my vanity, my hands trembling as I twisted the cap then shook out a capsule. I swallowed it just like that and wondered as I curled up on the floor if these panic attacks were stemming from something else other than what I believed.

But this time had only convinced me more of its derivation because I had been dreaming of her just before it happened. So what was I to believe: that something else brought on the attack? Perhaps it was something deeper than that?

I kept having these panic attacks even weeks after, close to ten weeks after that night. She never did call me back. And my suspicions were transformed into confirmations. It led me to believe that Emma was the cause of all of this. If I didn't do something about it soon enough, I believe that something terrible would come out of it and I needed to fix this, to get myself under control.

So what did I do? I decided to call her again, but this time, I'd do it without fucking up anything. I promised that to myself. But what was wrong with me? My timing was bad because at 1 am I dialed her number and choking on my tears, a hand pressed to my mouth, my face wet and chest heaving, I waited on her to answer.

The first try, she didn't. But the second try, she did.

"Hello", she answered, still groggy from sleep, or maybe drunk.

"Emma?" I asked, as if it was possible that it was someone else when I clearly knew her voice by now.

"Yeah, Regina?"

Hot tears escaped now as I realized that I had been crying for so long and it had reached that point where you just had no reserves left. "I..."

She waited. And when I sobbed, I could hear Emma's concern even from across the phone as she breathed in. "What's wrong?"

I couldn't answer her.

"Regina?"

"I just…" my fingers were numb now, "need someone to talk to."

"Okay…" she said quietly, "talk."

My breathing was my only reply.

"I'll pick you up in ten minutes", she said after waiting. "Is that okay?"

"Yes."

"Good…do you want me to stay on the phone?" and I could hear her moving, the sound of her breathing as she was already preparing to come.

"Ten minutes", I said quietly.

I was sitting on the front steps half-dressed when she drove up in front of my gate. And by half-dressed I mean with my makeup smudged from tears, my hair in a mess and just a jacket over the same clothes I had fallen asleep in. Same ripped stockings and I knew I looked completely horrible: I looked awful. But I somehow didn't care.

Getting up, my knees felt wobbly as I stepped towards her car. And without even considering any of it, my fingers gripped the already open door as I climbed in. Her eyes remained on me and I couldn't look at her at all because for the first time in a long time, Emma was seeing me in this wrecked state. That one time before when Henry had been lying on that floor dead, in Neverland when I had told her point blank that she had no idea how I felt, tears in my eyes: that had been another moment. Only difference was that this time, it wasn't about Henry. It was about her.

She didn't speak to me. But she just turned on the ignition and drove. And while she did that, I eyed the road ahead, my head pounding as I chose to rest it against the seat, hugging myself as my toes felt like chips of ice inside my boots.

When the car stopped moving, we were facing the water, the sound of waves crashing unto the shore just where the docks met the sand. And turning off the engine, we sat in silence as I stared ahead and she did the same. The one thing that kept playing in my mind over and over again was that dream. But it hadn't been a dream: it had been a recollection of something that had occurred before.

"I never really mastered the art of telepathy", she finally said, breaking the silence. "But what I know is…that most times when I stare into your eyes, I can tell exactly what you're feeling."

I was shaking.

"Look at me", she said.

I couldn't look at her. My eyes flickered to meet the gearstick and then hovered near the pocket just below her A.C controls. I suddenly realized that my missing keychain, the one that was shaped like an apple was dangling from the air vents near the dashboard. That was something I had for years, and had lost it during our voyage to Neverland.

"That's mine", I said pointedly, looking at it.

"I know."

"How did you…" And I finally looked at her.

But she had her eyes on the apple. "Snatched it from you whilst you were sleeping on the Jolly Roger", she said smiling. "It was dangling from your hand and I just couldn't…help myself. So I stole it."

"You stole it", I said hoarsely.

"Yup."

"Just like that?"

She shrugged it off. "I figured that if anything happened to you whilst in Neverland, that I'd still have that to remind me of you. Besides, you didn't even realize it was missing."

"I did realize it was missing", I said with my eyes wide. "And that's very thoughtful of you, to steal my keychain as a souvenir."

"I wouldn't call it thoughtful", she said smiling, "but if you want to call it that, instead of stealing, then I'm not complaining."

"I want it back", I said firmly.

"No way…"

I made a snatch for it and she grabbed my hand around the wrist fast. Then our eyes met and when we gazed at each other, I couldn't look away from her at all. Neither did she this time. But her eyes remained on me as time stopped and it was just her and me in the car alone, or that was how I felt for a long time. Even with the crashing of the waves in front of us, with the rustle of leaves in the trees and the foaming of the water against the sand, I still couldn't hear any of it.

I wanted to kiss her, close the distance and just kiss her because of the passion within me. My eyes moved to consider her lips, and then I swallowed. But she did the inevitable. Releasing her grip, she bit her lips as her hand returned to the steering wheel. And sitting there with her eyes focused forward, Emma began to hum.

She hummed.

"You know, with your makeup smudged, you still look beautiful and it's not fair", she said and her hand made a move to reach across me. At first I thought she was about to touch me so I gasped inwardly, my eyes widening, preparing for her move finally. But reaching for the handle of the glove compartment, she pulled it open. "There are tissues in there."

I made no move to retrieve said tissues.

"Geez, fine", and she pulled them out herself. Then crunching one up softly, she turned to me and reached across the distance, the tissue meeting my right cheek as she dabbed slowly at it, her eyes focused on me. And I never diverted my gaze, but suddenly my eyes met the pair of shades on the dashboard. In fact, it had been there all along, but now I realized who they belonged to. My entire mind set just changed drastically.

Reaching up, I batted her hand away.

"Do it yourself then", she said, seriously affected by my move and she shoved the tissue unto my lap.

We sat for a long time in silence, and I kept staring at her, then the shades. I kept looking around her car for signs of him. And I found his belongings everywhere. There was a pair of boots tucked under the driver's side, and just in the glove compartment my eyes met a fake rose, the ones that had the teddy bear, wedged inside a cone shaped plastic wrapping. So he had been wooing her still. And she was most obviously buying it, all of it. Then her cell rang and I tore my eyes away from the rose to stare at the side of her face as she assured him that she was alright, that it was just me there with her and nothing was wrong, how we were just talking and she'd be home just now.

So I closed the door to the glove compartment with anger and the sound filled the silence. Eyes lowered, I gripped the bottom of my boots with my toes in silent rage and squeezed my knees together.

"Take me home", I said firmly when she ended the call.

"The thing about these cars is that they're delicate, you know?" she asked as if I hadn't spoken, "if you slam it like that, then it's gonna fall off and that costs money."

"I don't fucking care about your shitty car."

"Easy there, tiger", she said smiling.

She was smiling at me. The fucking nerve of her, to smile at me: it was unbelievable. Clearly she had no idea what was happening to me.

"Why did you drag me out of my bed anyway, to break my glove compartment door?"

I didn't answer her.

"You wanted to talk to me, so I'm here."

The howling of the wind replied for me.

"Okay, you don't want to talk about what's bothering you, fine", and she held up a hand defensively, "then I'll talk. Hopefully you don't punch the window out. Anyway, so Henry's taking art classes now", and she turned to consider me, her face relaxed. She was unbelievable. "Did he tell you?"

"No."

"Well…" and she turned to me, her emerald eyes directed my way, "Henry is taking art classes."

I rolled my eyes in disbelief and turned to look out the window.

"He's pretty good, actually. He doesn't get that from me or Neal so I figured maybe he got that from you." She was smiling now. Was she actually mocking me? "If it isn't one mother…" and she gestured in front of her, face serious, "if it isn't the father, then it must be the other mother, the amazing one, the one who is more his parent than the other two if anything else."

I turned to gaze at her and suddenly my rage had disappeared in a wink. And when our eyes met, she smiled at me. She smiled and the corners of her lips tugged upwards.

"Regina…"

"Yes?"

"If I ask you something, promise that you wouldn't take the keychain back, that you'll let me keep it forever because I want it. I'm going to fight you if you try to take it from me."

"I promise", I said, shaking my head in disbelief as I smiled.

"Okay, so…" and she swallowed, lowering her eyes as a smile dazzled her, "I want to be your friend. And by friend I mean that we can hang out, and talk and have dinner, even if it's with my mom. And we can you know, stop avoiding each other. Can we be friends?"

Friends…this overwhelming feeling inside me threatened to shatter my heart, the flimsy composure I was clinging onto. And I somehow gathered enough courage to fake a smile. But I was dying inside with every second that passed.

"That's fine by me", I said weakly, my voice hoarse. "If that's what you want, Emma."

"That's what I want", she said, her smile wavering. "Is that what you want?"

"Whatever makes you happy…" and I looked away towards the waves again, realizing that if I could not have her the way I wished for, then I'd just have to be what she wanted me to be: just friends.

But how long could I act up that role?

* * *

Two months later and every Friday night after that she came over to have dinner with Henry and I. Snow joined in a few times, succeeding in annoying the hell out of me with her whispers on Robin hiding upstairs. And I almost choked her the second week she came because of her incessant chatter about me blushing because of meeting him earlier. I had been blushing because Emma had complimented my outfit and had helped me clear up the dishes, she washing whilst I wiped. And somehow, I found that being friends was something I couldn't fully live with, but it was alright for the moment. I liked it, to have her over and talk to me. It was a step forward, maybe leading somewhere and I welcomed it.

Maybe that had been her plan all along, to start by being friends and then work our way upwards, towards this point when we would be comfortable with each other and I'd just be seen as more than a friend. Snow informed me of Emma's decision, how wished to become friends with me, not because of Henry even though he wanted it but because she wanted that. She wanted us to stop fighting, stop having disagreements and work towards getting to know each other better.

I saw it as a step forward.

And we met many times after, even sitting in front of the Diner to grab something to eat. We kept playing this game, and I kept waiting on her to break the ice. But she never did. Still I kept waiting.

But then one night when I was heading to the Diner, this windy night, the kind that whipped the trees into a frenzy and sent things flying, I happened to walk in on the one event that shattered my heart for the second time around. And that was the last straw.

Parking my car, I got out and slammed the door shut, my keys jingling from my right hand as I stepped towards the pathway leading up to the entrance. I already had in mind what I'd order: a cup of cocoa and a slice of cake. She had texted me to notify me of her plans to eat there that night. And I was in high hopes of meeting her, to talk to her, and just relax. I liked to talk to her especially when our eyes would meet because then I could just drown in her eyes forever. I would sit there and smile as our hands were on the same table and she'd reach out with her fork to steal my cake, smiling at me. She was always toying with my feelings. That was it. It wasn't long before the situation presented itself where she'd make the move and kiss me because on more than one occasion we had been so close in proximity.

As I stepped up, my eyes lowered, I smiled when I remembered the night before when she sat next to me on the sofa at Snow's apartment whilst we watched The Heat. And when her hand had rested on my lap as she laughed hard, I had shivered from her touch, turning to her slowly as my eyes met her neck. Then when her shoulder brushed mine, I gasped as my heart had fluttered.

Reaching for the door, I pushed it open and realize that the bell wasn't there anymore since Hook had knocked it out in one of his brawls with a man a few nights ago. Throwing a chair, he had smashed the bell whilst embarrassing himself in front of everyone just because Ruby told him his package was smaller than Whale.

My presence was therefore not announced, and as soon as I stepped into the Diner, I saw Neal on his knees in front of Emma. He was facing me but his eyes never met mine and she had her back to me. Snow was there and so was Ruby. Ruby saw me and she never looked away. A memory of her kissing me many years ago came to mind but it was just a whisper.

"Will you marry me", Neal said as Snow's hand flew up to cover her mouth. "You said to give you time to think. And I did just that."

Ruby's eyes moved from the situation playing in front of her to me once more and her eyes widened. Of all the people in Storybrooke, Ruby knew. I couldn't think right there and then. I think I died inside, because my hands began to shake inside my gloves and my knees grew weak, so weak. My head began to spin and I couldn't breathe. I just couldn't.

"I…" and she remained silent for some time, everyone watching. "Yeah…" I heard her say. And my eyes grew wide with disbelief. Trembling against the door, I somehow found the knob and turned it. Then I slipped out of there, hearing Ruby's footfalls as she came after me.

I ran to my car and I fumbled with the door. My chest was aching terribly, and I was fighting tears, terribly shocked and drenched in cold sweat already. I allowed the door to close on its own accord as I squeezed my eyes shut. It couldn't be real; this had to be a nightmare again. Sitting there I was lost. And I stared at nothing in particular for a few seconds as Ruby just stood outside on the pavement watching me silently. Her eyes met mine and when she looked at me, I lost it finally. Then kicking the floor of my car, I allowed the tears to come forward. Hugging myself, the click of the other door signaled it being opened and Ruby's perfume filled the car. She just sat there in the dark as I cried. And a hand was felt on my shoulder, softly, then she was caressing my cheek, her fingers playing over my hand that hid my face.

"Regina…"

Fighting with me, she pulled me into a hug and I buried my face into the crook of her shoulders as I sobbed. I don't know how long she hugged me but it felt like forever as I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I cried because I had been fooled, and paranoid. My throat ached. And when I finally pulled away, Ruby pulled out her handkerchief and dabbed at my cheeks softly. And I allowed her to do that. I couldn't care less. Even with the history between us. I was collapsing inside and she was there.

"Can you drive?" she asked softly, squeezing my shoulder as her eyes swept over me with concern.

I nodded.

"Turn on the ignition and drive." Turning my eyes to her, she pressed a hand on my arm. "Let's get away from here. Turn on the fucking car and get the hell out of here because you and I both know that you're worth it. You're better than him. You want me to come with you?"

Suddenly I was so angry. Doing just as she said, I slammed my fists unto the steering wheel and my boot pressed the accelerator with force. It sent the car pitching forward, and gripping the wheel, I drove away with her beside me. Never did the car stop until I found myself swinging into my driveway. I parked the car and turned off the engine then she threw the door open and in a flash, Ruby was offering me a hand to get out and I took it. She pulled me up and wrapped a hand around my waist as we walked the remaining distance between the car and my front door.

Helping me unto a chair in my living room, she disappeared for a moment into my kitchen. And when she returned with two glasses, I had my boots off and was curled up in a fetal position on the chair. Pouring two glasses of something, she held out one for me to take and I did.

"Drink", she said.

I swallowed the burning Bourbon in one gulp, squeezing my eyes shut as the warmth attempted to thaw the chill deep within my heart. But what happened wasn't that. No, I couldn't eradicate the empty feeling, that horrible gut wrenching feeling.

"You know, when you broke up with me, I had a feeling it was because of her."

I shook my head, suddenly feeling absolutely angry but I managed to laugh. "Him…" I said hoarsely, "of all the people in the world."

"You're way better than him. And if she couldn't see that, then…"

"I never told her", I said, my eyes cast upon her. "I should have told her. It's my fault."

"Oh shut up and stop being so weak, Regina." And she came to sit next to me, close but far enough. "You're gold. And if you didn't tell her then you had your reasons. I know your reasons. You were afraid of being rejected and that's understood. If she does love you, if she knows you as well as she should, then she would realize that you were waiting on her. I saw it." She waved a hand. "I saw it a mile away even without you telling me. I think David sees it too. And so does Whale, Archie…well he knows everything. We all could see how much you loved her."

My eyes were lowered.

"Just for a moment, I thought she was about to say no."

"She did stall. And that's not a good sign."

"Still she said yes."

"Anyway, you're probably thinking where do I go from here? Well…" and she rested a hand on my thigh, "you have two choices." I was watching her. "Either we hit this sloppy Chinese restaurant and stuff our mouths with food whilst we drink beer. Or we can stay in, watch a movie and cry our eyes out."

"How about I just curl up in my bed and stay there for days?" I asked, still looking at her.

"See that's the problem", and she got up, "if you do that, then you let her win by fucking you up more. What you need to do is to retaliate."

"That's your advice?"

"Does Emma know about you and me?"

I shook my head. "No, she doesn't."

"Then you can use our comfort zone to fuck her up. We hang out and we push her."

"She's your friend."

"I hate Neal. And she said yes to him, frankly", and she snatched the glass from me, then stooped to rest it on the table, "she's just pissed me off more than ever."

"We're not sleeping together anymore. We're just friends."

"She doesn't have to know."

"Ruby…I am wrecked right now", I said lifting my hands to cover my face, "I'm not thinking straight."

"Clearly…" I checked myself and gazed up at her. She was smiling.

"Fuck…"

"This is like the umpteenth time I caught you with that one, babe. Come on, upsey daisy…" and my hand was snatched, "let's go."

"Noo", I said like a baby, and I batted her hand away, my eyes lowered, "leave me alone."

"Look, she just said yes to the engagement. The wedding hasn't happened as yet. You can still win her over."

"I'm a woman."

"So am I…

"She's not into women. Maybe that's the problem."

"Babe, she's probably bisexual. She's like me. And you…and she had two choices: Neal and you. So who does she choose, after he's probably been a lap dog buying her stuff and wooing her over? In the spur of the moment she chooses HIM."

In other words, it was all my fault.

"You can't let her break you, Regina", she said quietly. "Don't let her do that. Be the strong woman I know you are, suck it up and think this through."

An hour later, I was curled up in my bed, hugging my pillow like a heartbroken teenager, just staring at the blind fluttering from the open window. I couldn't retire to some beat up restaurant. And she had finally decided to leave me alone, to return back to work, promising to check on me the morning after.

What we had was complicated. That was all. And now we were friends, secretive friends but everyone knew we were close. The only other person who was aware of our sunken romantic relationship was Archie. And he only found out when our public affections had gotten out of hand after I had been snatched and kissed in the washroom at the Diner. Enough said, right then as I lay as stiff as a board on my bed, I realized that as much as shock overwhelmed me, as much as I was broken and saddened, devastated, I somehow felt frozen.

And because I felt frozen, after hours lying awake, my feelings became frozen in time. I was in a state of nothing, that moment when you are so devastated that you're left empty, drained and lacking the energy to react. Suppose it never happened? Maybe I dreamt it. It was still my fault and I could never stop blaming myself.

Maybe I still had a chance. But I felt that I didn't have another chance since she made that decision to say yes. What was I to think? Put yourself in my place and understand what I felt, how I felt after that moment. It was as if someone had declared to you that something amazing was about to happen. And then you walked into this setting where your whole belief, everything you were building on, hoping on, everything just crashed down with one answer.

I fell asleep early that morning as the sun rose and I woke up late that afternoon. No one could care about me. No one came or went. Henry was at his grandparents' apartment. And I was happy. I wanted to be alone.

For an entire week, I stayed indoors and Henry came and went. He took my silence as a normal thing, and after peppering me with questions on what was wrong, Henry told Snow. But when she called I acted it up as everything was just the way it was, that I was stressed out from work and I'd promise to meet up with her soon.

* * *

Two long weeks later, and I cannot believe how time could pass by so fast, I was seated in my office, filling out paperwork. Stopping to check my figures on a calculator, I cleared my throat and focused on my task at hand. Writing feverishly across paper, I signed document after document and when there was a knock on my door, absentmindedly, my call was for whoever it was to enter.

The door opened and closed and still my eyes were lowered as I checked figures and reread a Quotation.

"Hey…" my writing stumbled across the dotted line and I dropped the pen, gasping. Looking up, eyes wide, there she stood before me, her hands shoved in her pockets, her face softened with some kind of emotion.

On another occasion, I would have drunk in her beauty, the way she usually stood with her hands shoved in her jeans pockets. And her tangled blonde hair, always so captivating, tumbling over the shoulders of her tattered red leather jacket. She was so beautiful, and I was a fool in love.

"Hey…"

She moved to the dark red cushioned chair and rested a shaky hand on it, the chair in front of my desk. Her emerald eyes remained on me and I continued my work, writing with a passion now, completely ignoring her as I practiced what I had mastered: the art of control. Over the last few weeks, I had no choice but to move past it. And I had done well so far because of my past, because of what I had been through, I had this strength in me and I used it to my advantage.

When she chose to seat herself before me, I simply crossed my feet at the ankles and felt the tickle of my stockings against my skin. It was raining outside hard, water lashing against the windows and my long sleeved grey jacket warmed me. Yet that small whisper of pain from the wound in my heart still throbbed. And she sat there for a long time watching me. I however chose to completely ignore her because of my anger, angry with myself and with her, with Neal and her parents.

"I get the feeling that you want me to leave."

"Then leave", I said quietly, my voice firm.

"Okay", and she got up. Her boots padded on the carpet as she stepped towards the door and then I watched from the corner of my eye as she turned around. "You wouldn't even look at me."

"What?" I asked. I looked up at her, my eyes pinched with distress.

"No congratulations so you're obviously pissed…"

"Oh are congratulations in order?" I asked. "I'm sorry, congratulations on your engagement to a Neal Cassidy."

"Are we still friends?"

I laughed in reply and when she had waited enough, Emma turned around and left.

That same night, she received my answer. I was so thrilled once again to welcome my cold hearted feelings, those times when I reigned as Queen without a fear in my mind, when I killed and enjoyed it. I used that state of mind to override my feelings.

* * *

The bar had been selected on many occasions because of its popularity. If I had preferred discretion, then my choice would have been another one on Fourth Street.

But this one was acceptable with the usual small dance floor swept over with dark shadows, providing discretion. And the counter lining the left of the building with stools pushed under the ledge. Drinks were offered from a wide range, concoctions that were mixed from expertise by a hand from the Enchanted Forest: Mister Barry. His mixtures were dangerously soothing, poisons ranging from modern ones to the typical whiskey and bourbon.

And then as I was sitting there sharing a bottle of Johnny Walker with Ruby, drinking hard as anyone would have seen it, in she walked with Neal and her mother.

"Shit, is she serious?" Ruby mumbled behind a hand, rolling her eyes. "Let's leave."

"Of course not, that's ridiculous", I said resting a hand on hers. She met my eyes and then I shared my intentions with her. A smile tugged at her lips.

Snow came over and embraced me in a hug, commenting my red dress that hugged my figure, my knee high leather boots. And I simply answered back with a smile, resting a hand on her shoulder as she patted mine.

"Let's all sit here", she said with a smile. And within a minute, everyone had pulled stools closer, me being wedged between Ruby and Neal as Snow sat next to Emma who selectively sat next to her fiancé.

No one said a word for a long time, and I wondered what was happening, why the sudden awkward silence. I kept my eyes focused on the dancing couples before us and Emma never addressed me. She just sat there with him next to her and I smiled.

"I need to use the washroom", she said some time after.

"So do I", Ruby said quickly, and I gazed upon her with curious eyes, wondering what she had planned. Reaching out to take her hand, I squeezed it, passing a message between us to resist the urge to speak of my situation, or confront Emma. She nodded and I let her go, Snow smiling at me, her head dancing with wicked thoughts.

"In the game again?" she asked.

"I believe I am." And I waved my hand for a refill, smiling.

"Since one might tell me to fuck off again", Hook said appearing out of nowhere, his dark eyes focused on me, "how about I take the married lady for a spin on the dance floor, just for fun."

Snow was smiling. "You sure you don't want to take David for a spin instead?"

Hook's smile disappeared. Neal snorted. "I lust after the ladies, not the men, my love."

"I might have heard otherwise."

"Oh come here you tease", he said smiling, and after pulling her up, she was led to the dance floor, leaving me alone with Mister Cassidy.

I remained silent until I couldn't take it any longer. And because of my mild intoxication, I decided to fuck him up.

"Wow, Mister Cassidy", I said licking my lips, smiling guiltily, "you've done it again."

He turned to me and remained silent.

"You leave without saying goodbye", I began, never looking at him but smiling, "you come back years after, and even though you were responsible for throwing her in prison, she still agrees to the engagement." He was watching me and I turned to direct my eyes at him. "It's almost as if you bewitched her with a spell, isn't it?"

He actually laughed. "Ah, Regina, the sarcasm is noted."

"Who said I was being sarcastic?" I asked innocently, holding my glass firmly in my right hand, my eyes never leaving him. "Why, isn't that the truth?"

"It is. But my reasons, why I did what I did before, all of them are justified."

"All?" I asked, "so tell me", and I adjusted myself on the stool, turning to face him directly, "how did you do it?"

He appeared perplexed. "How did I do what?"

"Win her over… Did you buy your way into her heart? Oh wait…" and I lifted a finger, my eyes diverted elsewhere as if in deep thought, "of course you did. It's the only way she'd ever give you another chance."

"Sarcasm noted again." He sighed. "I just talked to her. I stopped believing that she was exactly where I left her years ago, and I decided to explain myself, why I did what I did."

"And she actually bought it, every word?" I asked directly.

"What are you implying?" he asked. "That I lied?"

"You said it, not me", I looked away, and I shrugged. "If you lied to her as to why you left her to fry in the sauce then that's on your conscience, not mine."

"I left her because I had to."

"You left her because you were a coward", I said firmly, my eyes never leaving his.

"No, I didn't." He was watching me again. "I left because August, he found me in Boston, told me about all of this, your curse and whatever else. He said I needed to let her go because I was interfering with plans, plans to stop all of this. If I continued what we had started: Emma and I, then you'd still be living every day the same way. I think you would have liked it that way though. Thing is, I needed to do what I had to do. So…" and he lifted his glass, then sipped, "…I ran. Not because I was a coward, but because I knew that she needed to do this."

"August found you in Boston?" I asked now. I had never been aware of this. "Well that's news to me."

"You're probably thinking why I let her go so easily though", and he shrugged, "reaching a point in my life when I thought she deserved more than just me."

"She was pregnant with your child", I stated.

"Me…a convict…anyway what's done is done. Now we're here and in the moment. And I'm not letting her go again."

"Quite opposite to your views shared before", I said stiffly, "because I can clearly remember when we were in the Enchanted Forest, after Pan's curse, you told me that you finally had decided to let her go."

"Look, all of that made me realize what was important to me", he said defensively, "Henry…I couldn't stand the thought of even losing her again. And after that one year lapse, I couldn't slip up again."

"So you came back with the intention of getting her back."

"Yeah, I actually still love her." And he sipped his beer, eyes focused forward, this disgusting expression of pride on his face. "And after she asked for time to think things through, I finally popped the question and she said yes soo…"

"You won." He looked at me and I smiled a stiff smile. I held up my glass and used it to hit his for a toast. And then I drank down the liquid in one gulp.

"I did and nothing will take her away from me again." We stared at each other, and I think he saw more than he bargained because I was drunk. But I didn't care at all. I wanted him to see.

"Regina…" Snow said breathless as she stumbled to her stool, smiling widely with a hand pressed to her chest, "guess who's here."

I was so caught up in the moment with Mister Cassidy that I had to tear my eyes away from him to consider her shaking with excitement before me. "Who?" I asked.

"Look", and she leant in closer, her voice in a whisper but Neal could hear quite well enough, "I know you're into women and all, but you might want to give the guy approaching us a chance."

Neal had all eyes on me and from the time she said that, I believe that his suspicions grew tremendously. Perhaps though, he saw me in the light of a protective friend, watching over Emma. Whatever way he chose to see it, one thing would never change in my mind about him: the fact that he was a bastard and he was a lucky one at that.

"Regina…" it was Robin.

"Yes…" my eyes were lifted to meet his, and gripping the bottom of my dress, I tried to resist the urge to turn around and pounce on the other man sitting next to me.

Robin held out a hand. But behind him, my eyes met Ruby making her way through the crowd with Emma in tow. And the latter appeared quite cross. Ruby was glowering which probably meant one thing: she had voiced her objections in the engagement. Hopefully, my name had been excluded. But my eyes could not leave Emma as she came to sit next to him. And as if he wished for me to note the impact his words were supposed to have on me, Neal wrapped a hand around her and she was pulled close.

"Just one dance, your Majesty", Robin said smiling.

"No objections", I said quickly, and taking his hand, I allowed him to pull me up. Snow squealed.

"I knew it!" she cried. "You go Robin!"

He merely smiled and led me to the dance floor, and amidst other couples swaying to the sounds of the eighties, a hand was wrapped around my waist as he entwined his fingers with my right. Like I said before, he was handsome, and there was something about his eyes that appeared quite warming, almost as if he radiated with sincerity. And I was suddenly overwhelmed with his eyes, what I saw, the depth of his smile and gaze. I suddenly felt safe, unlike other occasions when I had felt ridiculously powerful over any man who dared to dance with me.

"We were never properly introduced", he said as we danced, his eyes never leaving me. "The name's Robin Hood, your Majesty."

I smiled. "Well, you already are familiar with my identity, I gather from your formality." He laughed. "Please, call me Regina."

"You know, last time you were here, Killian and the others made a bet among all of us." From the corner of my eye, I saw Neal pull her up and he was leading as they stepped among us. "They swore that had I asked you to dance, you would have declined."

"Now look who scored."

"I wouldn't call it that", he said softly, his hand caressing my back as we swayed. "I can see something's bothering you. Your eyes are somewhat cloudy from worry. What can I do to help?"

She was dancing with him and he had her so close, their bodies intimately touching. And I swallowed hard, my throat aching. Following my line of sight, my attention's source was given away as his eyes rested on Emma dancing with Neal. Turning his gaze upon me once more, he removed his hand from my back and softly caressed my right cheek.

"Sometimes in life", he said, "we are always brave in every other situation. But there is always one situation that drops us to our knees because we somehow cannot gather up the courage to make that first move."

I was watching at him with wide eyes. But dropping my expression, I cleared my throat and smiled. "That's true."

"If I told you that I know, do not take it the wrong way."

"You know what?" I asked, searching his eyes.

"Someone else resides in your heart. Am I right?"

"Am I that easy to read?"

"One only has to follow your eyes, Regina. And where your gaze leads can tell anyone who takes time to notice that your attention is focused on another."

I said nothing.

"Let's just dance and…" he held my jaw and focused my gaze upon him directly, "try to ignore her for if she really was worth it, then you'd be in her arms already."

"I…"

"I know…" he said softly, and his hand sought the back of my head as he pressed me closer to him, burying my head in his right shoulder. "Just shut the world out for a while and lose yourself. In me you can find a friend."

I did. As ridiculous as it sounds, I took his advice and I did just as he said. Listening to the music was soothing and after closing my eyes, inhaling his perfume, I just moved with him, erasing my focus on her and everything else. And he felt so warm, his touch so comforting. I couldn't believe that a stranger could be so soothing to my soul without even knowing me. His words had been bold, his attention was direct on my current affairs, and it was supposed to feel intrusive. Yet it was anything but that because just once I wished for someone to see that I was affected instead of having me explain it to them. I wanted someone to understand without me saying anything, to brush away the façade I had erected and glimpse behind without mocking me.

He did just that.

And when the song ended, I didn't let go. I danced the other with him because of how safe I felt in his arms. My eyes remained close for a while until I opened them and noticed that I was facing her. And she was watching me with an expression I had never seen before in her eyes. It was a look I always wanted her to give me, because then I'd know my connection meant something. Her emerald eyes were pinched with judgment and saddened. The man that held her never did see how she looked at me. But whatever passed between us was personal and it was deep.

For a long time she kept looking at me as I danced with Robin and I did the same. Then as Neal stopped, as he whispered something to her and she listened, her eyes still on me, I saw the glint of anger in those eyes. And I smiled inwardly although my heart was aching. She was affected. And I liked it.

I was drunk, after sitting at Robin's table alongside Hook and drinking shot glass after shot glass of random mixtures. We spoke about Neverland and I fucked up his ship several times. He promised to compensate my back with a massage to which I directed a glare his way that made him cringe. Whale said nothing as he eyed Robin's nearness to me and when Ruby joined us, squeezing in beside the doctor, well she just directed the conversation into the dirtiest bedroom stories ever.

I listened and smiled.

"Robin, just so you know, Regina dominates in bed", Ruby drawled, and my eyes flew open as I kicked her hard under the table. "What?" she asked smiling. "I'm just putting ideas into his head."

"Isn't that supposed to be the problem?" Hook asked, his eyes focused on Ruby's cleavage. Whale was scowling at him. "Wait…how do you know she's good in…" his eyes flicked from her to me then back to her, "oh…well that turns me on."

"Killian you are so predictable", I said smirking.

"You are so easy to read. I knew that you swung both ways since the first time we met, your Majesty."

"Oh shut the fuck up", and I rolled my eyes.

"She's drunk", he said quickly, smiling as well, "her Majesty's drunk because as I can recall, when she's drunk, she starts to swear and…"

I reached across the table and using a finger, gently tipped his glass unto his lap. "Oops", I said innocently as he gasped and rose up with his fingers splayed.

"Now if you can direct your attention to exhibit A", Ruby said gesturing to his crotch.

"No thank you", Robin said, turning to hide his eyes on my right shoulder and we laughed.

"You will see that when speaking of packages, the outline is painfully small…"

"Oh fuck off", Hook said angrily, lashing her hand away and Whale guffawed, bouncing in his seat.

Upon our departure that night, Robin decided to walk me out to my car. I had no idea the rest of them followed until we went through the exit and I heard Snow's voice. She was definitely drunk, hanging unto Neal's arm as he was also intoxicated. But his eyes remained focused so he could hold his alcohol with dignity. Turning me towards him, my back facing the rest, facing her, Robin smiled.

"Let her go", he said quietly, wrapping his hands around my waist. "That ring she wears on her finger proves that she choose him over you and between you and me, no one puts her Majesty in any other place but first."

I believe from where he stood, based on his line of sight, he obviously saw what had occurred. He knew exactly what he did because in a matter of seconds, he reached in and captured my mouth in a kiss. Then slowly parting my lips, I tasted Vodka when he kissed me, my hands by reflex moving behind his back, gripping him and drawing him closer.

Why is it that I did not pull away? Maybe it was because my head was dizzy and I was severely drunk. But I felt warm and secure in his arms. And upon my eyes blinking open, there she stood whilst the others looked the other way. Her eyes were focused in our direction and she was glaring at me. Then when she realized what was occurring, Emma stepped away from where she stood and turned her back on me. Taking Neal's hand, she pulled him away as they walked to her car.

And yet I still kept waiting on her.

* * *

**A/N – There is more to her side. There is a part two next which basically tells exactly what happened to make her leave Storybrooke and what happened when she was away. Then Chapter Three will begin from where Chapter One left off. The next one will be long too. I'm so sorry I didn't make Emma's side of the story longer but I wanted to leave room to have her explain herself to Regina when they meet up again, so most things you are puzzled with, like why did she choose Neal and did she really have any idea or clues that Regina loved her…those will be answered when we pick it up back. **

**To address a review, asking me why Emma said yes to Neal so quickly although she loves Regina. It will be answered in a future chapter. But what I can say for now is that she was faced with two choices. And she was waiting on Regina to make the move too. It also has to do with something that happened in Neverland that completely gave Emma the idea that Regina was probably not romantically interested in her. When that happened, she just realized that maybe there was no chance, that's why she kept waiting to see what would happen. And she waited. What happened in Neverland is coming up next! You think Emma fucked up with choosing Neal? Wait till you read what Regina did! Lol.**

**REVIEW and let me know what you think or what you hated and loved!**


	3. When She Left One to Try With Another

**Chapter Three**

"**When She Left One to Try With Another"**

**[Storybrooke, The Enchanted Forest and Back Home]**

* * *

**WARNING: I THINK MANY OF YOU WILL LOVE ROBIN AFTER THIS CHAPTER. AND YOU WILL CONTINUE TO HATE NEAL CASSIDY IF IT IS THE LAST THING YOU DO. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY FAINTING FROM FEELS ATTACKS, ANY TEARS SHED DURING FLASHBACKS, ANY GRITTING OF TEETH OUT OF ANGER OR ANY PINEAPPLES THROWN MY WAY. I REPEAT, NO PINEAPPLES TO BE THROWN AT ME.**

* * *

Two weeks before I left Storybrooke, my dinner dates with Emma gradually spaced out. And I wasn't sure whether to welcome the change or not.

Two nights after she witnessed me lip locking Robin outside the bar or club or whatever you'd refer to it as, Emma refused to speak to me. I was ignored and above all. And suddenly she began to rent her own apartment closer to the Sheriff's office and Henry suddenly declared that he wished to spend many nights sleeping over with her instead. The only time I got to see him was when I'd pick him up after school to just around seven when she'd drive by for the pickup. Most nights she never came in, but the few that led her to my front porch thus far only engaged us in a brief conversation.

There was this one afternoon when I had a snack with her outside the Diner. It was then that I kept pressing her, wishing she'd suddenly allow me the one chance to witness her saying that she had finally realized she loved me. But we talked. I spoke about myself, I waited on her to understand where I was coming from. And I ended up telling her I had begun to date Robin.

It was supposed to make her react in some way, for her to somehow demand that he wasn't worthy or he wasn't right for me. And that she was the one I was supposed to be with. I wanted so much to hear her say something, anything. And our conversation ended with me never hearing what I wanted to hear from her.

"_Emma, all my life I have been trying to be happy."_

"_Aren't we all…" _

"_Everyone has their happy ending and I'm just…" I sighed, waving a hand in front of me and I wrapped my fingers around my glass, swirling the lemonade within, "I'm a villain with the possibility of me never having one."_

"_Regina, we've been through this before", she said looking at me, "you're not a villain. Don't do this to yourself."_

"_I am, Emma. I'm nothing else."_

"_You're a mother!" she exclaimed, watching me. "You're Henry's mother and you've been his mother for ten freaking years! How can a mother be a villain?"_

_I just began to shatter from my emotion. And lifting a hand, I tried to hide my weakness from her as tears swelled up in eyes. How could she not know that above all, I just wanted her to realize how much I loved her? But it was so hard for me to even say it. She was always the brave one, the one who wasn't afraid of me. And if she did want me, then why couldn't she just tell me she did. I wanted to cry and biting my cheeks, I forced myself not to._

"_It's okay to cry in front of me, you know", she said. "I think we established this already before, that I will never judge you."_

_I laughed for no reason at all. And when I did, she gave me this comical expression on her face, almost as if I was a silly display of some sort. She claimed she'd never judge me when she had no idea what was going on inside my head. And for that, I couldn't help it. Very soon though, she started to giggle and then we erupted into laughter. I stopped and just looked at her, my eyes filled with tears. Just for a moment, I wanted to drown in her eyes and stay there forever._

"_Thank you…for that", I managed to say._

"_Anytime, I guess I'm funny looking after all."_

"_No, silly…it's not that. I laughed because I am that comfortable with you being here with me."_

"_Oh…" and she stopped, appeared crestfallen. _

_I waited, holding my breath. And I waited for a long time but she said nothing. In that space of time, I just decided to push her. _

_"Regina…I…"_

"_Emma, I've finally decided to give myself a chance at love again", I said the same time as she spoke, my eyes lowered._

_She remained silent._

"_Really? With…?"_

"_Robin…Robin Hood."_

_It was the longest silence ever. And when time had passed as it always did between us whenever that particular time arose, I stood up, my eyes burning. Turning to look at her, I couldn't understand how she could not see through me because I was paper thin at the moment. _"_I was waiting for you to say something to me…" I said and she looked up, half a slice of pizza in front of her, still not touched. "I guess…that I was wrong."_

And I left.

The following day in the afternoon, I pushed the door into the Diner and there she sat with Neal and Henry. And as soon as I saw her, the message was delivered clearly to me. Upon collecting my order for dinner, I didn't look in her direction, didn't say a word to her. But my eyes were focused on the door as my feet led me out and into my car.

* * *

"Why her?" he asked quietly, and wrapping his fingers around his coffee mug, Robin lifted it up, blowing softly, eyes lowered.

I looked up from my untouched lasagna, my fork absentmindedly moving around my plate and I considered him with a bland expression. "Who?"

"Emma…" he said, looking into my eyes. "You are distant all the time, your eyes just have this far off look and I am aware of where your thoughts are when you lose focus. But what I would like to know is why you keep holding unto her when she clearly has no intention of returning your feelings."

"You wouldn't understand", was all I said.

"I might not. Right now though, I am falling for a woman who has her eyes set on someone else. So I can place some meaning on your current situation. You…" and he lifted his fork for emphasis, pointing at me, "must remember when I told you, that no one should put you as second best for you are firstly placed as it should be. If she cannot understand that then you must let her go. Why waste your time?"

"I'm not wasting my time", I said firmly, eyes fixated on him. "I love her."

"But does she love you?"

"I…" my voice faltered as I gazed at him for a while, then lowering them, I played with my lasagna again.

"You said that you haven't told her how you feel. And that's accepted for you wish not to be judged. But she's obviously made her choice. Now you are left with no other option but to accept it."

"Robin, you…" I placed my fork down, my eyes pinched with hurt, "you're a wonderful man. I have no doubt about that. And I understand that you wish to pursue me further, you want to…have me return your feelings. But right now, I cannot do this. I just can't focus on anyone but…Em-ma. She means the world to me. We've been through so much and I cannot let her go."

"But she's let you go. Listen to me…" and reaching across the table, he took my right hand, squeezing it gently, eyes focused on me, "don't do this to yourself, don't do it. You are trying to chase after someone who is engaged. If you only could see it in my eyes, then you would understand why I say the things I do about this…affair. She's had this man before as you told me. She's been hurt by this man and still she has run back to him even after everything else. Even if she has feelings for you, why not choose you above him? Instead, Emma chose to say yes to an engagement when you possibly were a choice as well."

"Maybe she thought I…" tears were in my eyes, "she thought I wasn't interested in her at all."

"Then make the first move."

"Every time I try to make the first move, something happens and I stop. I just…stop because it's never the right time. And I keep waiting and waiting for the right time but it never comes at all. I just want to…"

Robin rested his right hand over my cellphone then with his eyes on me, he slid it across in my direction. My eyes followed his movement. "Call her and tell her how you feel. Go on", he urged, "it's just an engagement. She can break it off and start anew with you." I only stared at the phone.

Then picking it up with a firm grip, I speed dialed her number and with my eyes focused on him, I lifted the phone to my right ear. There were two rings, then three, and then just after the fourth, she finally answered.

"Hello…" her voice was rushed, almost as if she was breathless.

"Emma…" I waited. "Is this a bad time?"

"Yeah…" someone mumbled in the background, "I can't talk right now."

"You can't talk right now…" I repeated after her, my eyes on Robin and he waved a hand in front of him, urging me to go on.

"Look, Regina I'm kind of busy right now. Neal…" and there was static as the phone moved and she laughed, "Neal's…we're playing charades…I…"

"Emma, there's something I need to tell you."

"Geez, is it that urgent then? Can't it wait?"

"No…" I said quickly, my throat closing up. "I…"

"A horse!" she yelled, laughter in her voice and I heard Henry's voice in the background. "I'll call you back or something. Kind of busy here…"

Completely losing my patience, my mind changed. "Enjoy your family night", I said sarcastically. "The perfect family…"

I could hear her breathing on the other end. She didn't hang up but waited, the muffled talk in the background and my eyes were pinched with tears. "They're the only people I consider my family", she said in reply. "You always have a problem with every single thing."

"I never said I have a problem."

"You were implying it."

"Oh and suddenly you are an expert in deciphering what I am trying to imply."

"Stop getting so worked up about stuff. Geez…You're not that hard to read."

"Really, Emma…?"

"I know you disapprove of my choices, but I was bold enough to make them whilst you just choose to back in a corner. And yeah, I do know what the hell you're always thinking. I know that you still hate me and you're trying hard to make me believe otherwise when it's just…showing that you will never ever reach a point where you're comfortable around me. Stop faking it. We can't even be friends without you behaving like a stuck up bitch after a minute. I'm barely tolerable, and I feel it."

Oh that escalated quickly and she had the audacity to refer to me as a bitch, now that I found terribly insulting. And suddenly my mood changed. I was consumed with anger. "Don't pretend as if you know what I think of you."

"I don't have to pretend, Madame Mayor, I know."

"You don't know how I feel at all."

"I know enough and it will never meet my expectations."

"Then I am sorry I'm such a failure. You're suddenly Miss Perfect in regards to my life. Suddenly I am wondering how you can choose to be so ignorant, blatantly speaking about my feelings as if you have any fucking idea how I feel." I was indeed getting overly worked up and was aware of it.

"I don't care about how you feel!" she said angrily, "tell Robin how you feel, not me. It doesn't concern me anymore." Her words stung me.

"Oh and you disapprove then?"

"Of what?"

"Robin and I…" and he rested a hand upon my shoulder, his eyes searching mine.

"I don't care." Her voice was breaking.

"Just as I don't care about you and your second chance…"

"Low blow, Regina… Coming from the woman who has a problem with everyone, a woman who has trust issues. At least I'm finally moving on and I have you to thank for it since suddenly I am loved by someone who cares for me, who wasn't afraid to tell me how much they love me. And it feels great…"

"I'm glad for you." I laughed hoarsely. "I am so glad that you managed to not only live up to your standards as the savior, but you secured your happy ending fine enough."

"Quit while you're behind, Regina."

"Why don't you wake up and realize you're clutching at straws that will lead you to a crash and burn relationship because really and truly, second chances don't last."

"And you know so much about second chances, since you've been given more than one chance to change in the past."

"Like I said, I'm happy for you, Emma."

"You should be. You and I…we'll never be where we want to be. So I'll stop trying."

I didn't reply, but remained silent.

"You know what?" she said with her voice rising, "Regina just…keep on sticking to yourself and shutting everyone out. If that's what you want. I gave you many chances before. Now it's up to you if you want to join your family or go your own way. I really don't have time to wait on you to make a decision anymore. Mom invited you over so many times. You could have come but all you want to do is to fuck it up. And I don't have time to waste on trying with you. It annoys me."

"Then I'll do you a favor and…stay away."

"Do whatever you want. Like I said, I don't care."

"I will", I said in a hoarse voice. "I'll do that."

"Good."

"Fine, do what the hell you want. No one can stop you anyway. Not even me."

And she ended the call first. When I placed the phone down on the table before me, my eyes hard but wet with tears, I growled. And slamming my fists unto the surface, I kept doing that over and over again as this anger inside me washed over like hot water. Very soon, Robin grabbed my hands at the wrists and he pulled me towards him. I resisted, becoming stiff against him and then when his hands went around me, wrapping me in an embrace, I nuzzled my face into the crook of his left shoulder and fought the urge to cry.

I didn't want to cry. I was angry, angry at her childishness, angry at myself for being so fucking stupid, for not telling her what I wanted to. She was so immature, so…naïve and so cold. And I deserved that reaction from her because it was my fault. I was in the wrong as always. I always fucked everything up. And I'd never learn at all. When everyone thought I was so brave, I could be so weak and careless.

"I'd never hurt you if I was yours", he said into my ear, holding me close. "For as long as I could, I'd try to make you realize how special you are because it's not worth it spending seconds loving someone who wishes you to stay away."

I pulled away my face from his shoulder and gazed into his eyes as his arms still remained around me. We were so close, our lips lying inches apart, and I could feel his breath on my face, the smell of his aftershave, something he said he had recently started to use to his discomfort. It pinched my eyes with a smile when I remembered him voicing his displeasure in the use of such a thing. And when he caught my small smile, Robin lifted a hand to wipe the corners of my eyes with his right thumb.

"If you could only see how beautiful you are…both inside and out", he said softly, "any person whether it is a man or woman would be stupid if they didn't make the first move on you. And now…" his thumb moved to caress my lips, my eyes becoming lost in his, "I'll try again. Maybe this time you'll realize that I wasn't playing a game before."

He kissed me slowly, pressing his lips to mine gently as my eyes fluttered close on reflex. And the pain in my chest, it gradually evaporated as we kissed each other deeper. I allowed him to because I wanted him to do it. I wanted him to take me away, to escape with him and try to forget everything else that pained me so much. I just wished that I could erase all conflicting feelings and focus on him. And very soon, we were so lost in each other, in our passion to be nearer, that I completely forgot about everything else.

With my fingers entwined with his, he pulled me to sit on his lap and I kissed him harder, my body becoming heated with want and desire. And lifting me up as if I was as light as a feather, he deposited me unto the table, our lips still ravishing each other, moving aside the table mats and tissue holder as his hands caressed my breasts, unbuttoning my blouse and feeling his way inside my bra. Very soon, I had my legs wrapped around him as he moved with me, clinging to me and I to him as I lost myself in his passion. Yet I just…I wanted more.

Maybe it was for me to prove something to myself, that all of it meant something, what I felt for him, what he felt for me. But I began to wonder if I started to feed on his passion and it was just one sided. The hunger, the desire to just make love to me: it escalated into me wanting the same of him. It was as if I was searching for something inside him that could only be found in another. But I had no idea what it would feel like to be with that other person. So I opted to try the alternative instead. I made a choice as she made hers and I wasn't going to regret any of it because I never had regrets at all.

He wanted me and I wanted him in the moment. And bunching my skirt up around my waist, he lifted me closer to him as I unbuckled his belt, then unzipped his faded blue jeans, freeing him from his restraints.

"I want you inside me", I said hoarsely, eyeing him with desire, my quick fingers moving inside his jeans. And gripping me around the waist, we moved from the table to against the wall in my dining room.

As he kissed me passionately, I gingerly grinded my hips against his and moaned, breaking, losing myself and I couldn't hold it together. Bracing me hard against the wall, our eyes dancing with desire, lips inches apart, when he entered me slowly, I ran my fingers roughly through his hair and threw my head back as a gasp ensued from within me. He unbelievably filled me up, hot and hard. It felt so wrong yet so right for me to welcome him like this for it had been so long for me. And to finally feel this amount of pleasure, I allowed it and drowned myself in it as he moved inside me, slowly then faster and faster. Wrapping my hands around his neck, I moaned into his right shoulder as he bit my neck, bucking his hips.

Needless to say, for the first time I hadn't even realized that I had slipped up big time. And neither did he for we went all the way without any protection at all. When he spent himself inside of me, I felt it, I acknowledged it and I allowed it. Why: because I was completely ready to take any risk to suck the pain away. But I never did reach my climax. With my toes pointed, I nearly did but I held back because as soon as he released, I remembered and when I remembered, I stiffened. Carrying me upstairs, he slept over that night. And in the morning, I made breakfast for him. As he ate, we talked about normal thing like normal people. He commented on the weather and the color tone in my kitchen. I spoke about his outlaw ways and how I thought he would grow accustomed to the aftershave.

* * *

Five days after, she and I walked into the same store together, me wishing to purchase a pack of Stayfree for I had slipped up but all was well. And she appeared to be enquiring after birth control pills. It pissed me off even when it shouldn't have because I really had no need to care about any of it.

And as I checked out my items at the cashier, she was right next to me all the time. Hastily pulling out the right amount of money from my brown leather wallet, I slid it over to the woman and snatched the bill. Then with my eyes suddenly becoming icy, I grabbed my bag and strode towards the exit. Before I could get into my car, Emma nudged the door with her hip and prevented me from closing my way off from her.

I chose to start the car, eyes never meeting hers.

"I'm sorry…"

Fixing myself in my seat, I reached for my seat belt and pulled it to the front, clipping it snugly.

"I'm sorry, Regina."

"Save it", I said in a clipped tone.

"I didn't mean to act out on you the other night. I was in this…" she glanced away then back, "…mood and I said things that I shouldn't have said to you. I'm really sorry."

Biting my lips, I reached out to hold unto the car door with my eyes focused forward. And we remained like that for almost a minute. Moving aside finally, she allowed me to pull the door close and I put my car into drive then pressed hard on the accelerator, never looking back.

* * *

"Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked, cupping my chin in his hand as he studied my eyes. "It's not going to be easy at first. But I can guarantee you that I'll never give up on making you happy."

Roland was sitting on the floor pushing a red fire engine around and I was reminded of Henry. We were sitting on the chair in my living room on a rainy Friday night and were about to watch a movie. But just as it had started, he brought up the topic again and I decided to finally give him an answer.

"I don't belong here", I said softly as he fingered my hair, tucking it behind my ears. "You see how uncomfortable I am and…" I wanted to say her name but it never escaped my lips. "I want to move on."

"Are you sure?" he asked, wrapping an arm around me, pulling me closer. "I don't mind staying."

"I don't want to stay."

"If you cut yourself off from them, they will wonder why."

"They will move on without me because I mean nothing to them. Very soon everyone will become washed over with relief after realizing that finally she has…left…and then things will become stable and peaceful and I'll be forgotten of."

"I don't think they'll forget you, especially her." Picking up the remote, he moved it across my right thigh and I reacted.

"You were right you know", I said, pressing my hand over his, the one that held the remote, eyes lowered. "Maybe it was just me expecting too much from her, believing that it was something else when it wasn't really. The connection I have with her, it's just a connection and nothing else. My desire to become her friend probably sparked some need in me just to grow closer to her."

"Not sexually then?" he raised an eyebrow, smiling. "You said back in Neverland, there was a moment when you wished to…and how will I put it…" he looked up into the air and smiled broadly, "you wished to jump into the water and pull her close to you, then ravish her with kisses."

"Shut up", I said and pressed my right palm over his mouth.

"Look…" he reached up to move my hand aside, his eyes on me, "I understand that you felt that way. You don't have to deny it when you're with me. I get it. It's just that I'd rather you realize that the more you pursue her, the more you get hurt because you wish not to speak of your feelings. And when you do decide to, everything goes wrong. I want you to be happy."

"I'm happy with you too."

"I know that", he said smiling. "We connect too. And not because we're…" he lifted his right arm, displaying his tattoo, "…soul mates. Between you and me, the soul mate thing is farfetched because I don't believe we have just one soul mate. However, I believe that among those soul mates, you have many possibilities to be happy with one. Yet it's up to you. We have been through a good amount of discomfort where love is concerned. "

"You've lost your wife and I've lost…my fiancé."

"I have my son, you have your son. But why are you willing to leave him, Regina?"

"Because every time I look at Henry, I…just…remember…"

"Emma", he said quietly.

"Yes." And I picked up his left hand, squeezing his fingers playfully.

"He needs his mother. You're his mother too. When you leave, you'll break his heart."

"I wouldn't because she's…changed his mind against me for a long time now. When we returned from Neverland, Emma was still refusing to accept the fact that I raised my son for so many years. When she left, she had one year with him, falsified with memories I gave her. And she returned to still see me in a different light. He sleeps over by his mother's apartment where his father is also. I cannot interfere."

"You're a parent more than either of them though", Robin said. "I wish you could take him with us when we leave."

"I've asked him", I said, my heart aching. "He said no." What I didn't tell him was that Henry had erupted on me, and after speaking to him about my conflicting feelings where his mother was concerned, leaving out the fact that I had feelings for her as well, he still did as he always did. Declaring to me that he was staying and I could do whatever I wanted, I was left to make my own decision. It was also hurtful when he told me that his father had said to him you have a family now, a complete one. And Regina isn't needed anymore.

I wanted to run over there and choke him with my magic. I wanted to do so many things to him that would inflict pain because he had taken everything away from me: the woman I loved so much and my son. He had come back a champion, had returned as if he was some knight in shining armor and she had fallen for it, all of it.

As soon as the movie started, the phone in the hall started to ring and after pausing the film, Robin released his arm from around me. And I got up, my slippers padded on the floor as I went. Picking up the phone, I wondered who it was.

His voice surprised me and for a moment, I was overwhelmed with shock. "Hello, Neal…to what do I owe this pleasure of you checking up on me?"

"Leave her alone, Regina." His voice was firm, clipped.

"Excuse me?" I asked, my heart beginning to race.

"Emma…Leave her alone."

Suddenly, my blood froze over and I grew so angered that I had to reach out to grip the table's edge hard, my nails digging into the polished surface. "And what makes you believe you can call me so boldly to pass an order such as that?"

"I wasn't sure of it. It was something that I kind of brushed off until recently I realized what this is. After that conversation in the club that night, sure you remember it, I bounced it around in my head a bit. And then it just came to me."

I waited.

"Whatever the hell you feel for my fiancée, it's got to stop. It could have been okay when you were in Neverland and before I came here. It was kind of funny when I realized in Neverland that you were attracted to her, the way you chose to sleep next to her and…all that ridiculous shit. But now you're just pushing it."

"What makes you think that I have feelings for Emma, that I am attracted to her?" I asked defensively, clenching my fists.

"Oh Regina just cut the bullshit."

"No you listen to me", I demanded icily, "I want to know what the hell you're talking about because I'd hate to have you embarrass yourself on flimsy evidence."

"I see the way you look at her. Enough evidence."

"Then you should be pounding down Hook's door", I said warily, my fingertips cold, so cold and my heart pounding in my chest, my head heavy.

"You're never going to get what you want, Regina", he said, ignoring me. "She not into women, never was, never will be."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Mister Cassidy", I said in a clipped tone.

"Continue to fool yourself and believe I'll fall for it too. You'll never have her. No matter how hard you try to put up that façade to hide yourself, most of us can see who you are."

"You think you're so full of yourself, don't you?" I asked boldly, my anger rising. "You honestly think that you have some home court advantage over everyone else maybe because you're Gold's son, or because you're Henry's father. But I'll tell you this, you good for nothing asshole. Where Henry is concerned, you're not a father. You're just a pathetic sperm donor and where she is concerned, she can run back to you but you'll never be good enough because you never were in the first place. Get the drift?"

"I touched a nerve. My TO BE wife is straight as hell so you can take that bit of info and get it cemented in your head because there's nothing that's gonna stand in between what we have. You may have raised Henry for ten years but I'm his father. You're nothing, no blood relation, no example to set for a mother especially with this ridiculous psycho attachment to Emma."

"Fuck off."

"Just come to terms with reality, Regina, is all I'm saying", he said and laughed. "When Emma said yes to me, it probably broke your heart. But you got to realize that it was a wakeup call for you. You can never have her. She'll never choose you. She's not into you at all, not as a friend or as whatever you want from her. You're pathetic, and you know what? She actually voiced her concern to me about you several times, telling me how you worry her, make her feel uncomfortable." I was shocked.

"That's a lie. She'd never…" my voice was breaking.

"She'd never what, notice you and what you want? I noticed you trying hard in Neverland and I wanted to tell you a long time now. You could save the town, you could bring us back home with your magic, you can break a curse and do everything else, but you'll always be a villain. Villains don't get happy endings. Not with her. Maybe you can try with…Robin…that's fine by me. But leave her…"

I slammed the phone down and grinded my teeth together. When Robin raced into the hall, I picked the phone up and threw it against the wall but it wasn't destroyed. The ear piece dangled on the cord alone and I growled. Flexing my fingers, sparks shot out from my hands as I clenched my fists then strode to the door, my eyes burning, furious and filled with rage. But he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me away, whispering into my ear that I needed to calm down, I needed to breathe and it wouldn't serve me any good to set out on my mission.

"I'll kill him", I growled. "I'll fucking…rip his heart out and…and…" he pressed a finger to my lips.

"No", he said softly, turning me around to face him, Roland looming in the doorway with his eyes wide, his truck dangling from one hand. "Don't Regina. It's not what you want. It's not going to make anything change, anything different. You'll make things worse if you do what you feel right now. You've got to…" he entwined his fingers with mine, pulled me close as I remained stiff, "breathe…"

"Daddy…" Roland's eyes filled with tears as I watched, and all of a sudden, my eyes grew from icy to soft when I gazed into his saddened eyes. "Wegina…"

Robin turned to watch his son and waved for him to come over. Bending down, he lifted Roland into his arms then rocked him gently, and after pressing a kiss on his right cheek, his eyes met mine. "Here…" he said to me, holding Roland towards me, "take him…"

I did without second thinking it and when I did, he just melted into me. Wrapping his small hands around my neck, he smothered me in kisses, and I couldn't help but smile when his right hand reached up to wipe my eyes.

"Whoever makes you sad, I will attack them."

"See now you have two brave men on your side there, my Queen", Robin said smiling. I did too. "What else do you want?"

"An apple?" Roland asked innocently, "there are four. Can I please have just one?"

I laughed, my throat aching and pinched his nose. "Sure you can, sweetheart."

* * *

That night, Robin decided that he wouldn't stay because I needed some time alone to gather my thoughts together. He said that it was always best to leave a woman on her own when she was furious. And he would have stayed if I hadn't pressed him that it wasn't necessary. So depart he did with Roland sleeping in his arms and when he kissed me goodnight, I didn't hold back, didn't stiffen, I just welcomed it.

"Well discuss that other thing tomorrow", he reminded me. And gone he was.

I could say that sleep never came to me that night because of the dreams that captured me in this net. And just after midnight when I managed to drift off, I escaped into my mind, into this dark room that whirled around with visions and recollections.

"Regina…"

I groaned and turned on my side, reaching out for my pillow with my eyes squeezed shut. "Go away…" I groaned. And I began to dream.

"_Regina…"_

_I gasped and holding up a hand to shield my face, my eyes squinted as I blinked them into focus. Someone was standing above me, blurred features, and the most beautiful tangle of fair hair I had ever seen in my life. It must be an angel._

"_Regina… it's me…Emma…"_

_Emma._

_Pushing my elbows down upon the canvas beneath me, I tried to lift myself from the ground, throat parched and my thoughts still scattered._

"_Yeah?" and I sounded like a frog, all of a sudden I felt exposed and with all my walls down, vulnerable as she stood above me, peering down with a frown on her face. Awaking from a dream about the very same person could succeed in shattering those defenses you fought so hard to build up._

"_You're sleeping out in the open, catching dew. Come…" and she offered a hand to me, waiting. I scrutinized it with a confused frown. "Get up, come closer under the tree with me. You're gonna catch a cold or something way out here. I don't see why you always choose to sleep so far away."_

_Without taking her hand, without protesting, I sat up and rubbed my eyes, fists balled, my feet bent at the knees. "I prefer to keep distance from your parents as they make smooching noises whilst sleeping." I scowled._

"_Oh trust me, I keep distance too, which is why I'm not even close to them. Just over there, look…" and she pointed. _

_For a moment, I was captured in gazing at her, observing her sleepy eyes and the way she chose to stand with one foot planted in front of the other, knee slightly bent whilst she firmly held ground with the other. The way her tank top clung to her, the swell of her breasts. This was too much. Closing my eyes, I bit my bottom lip and diverted my eyes from her, pinpointing her stretch of canvas not so far off hidden by grass, close enough to a tree._

"_I'm fine here", I said stubbornly, then without waiting on her to reply, my back met the canvas once more, the muscles pinched and tense in my legs._

_There was heavy sigh. And I smiled inwardly. She would walk away. Just walk away. Please. I don't need to be close to you, Emma. Waking up to see you standing near me has been enough because I just…I wish I could wake up beside you every single time I chose to fall asleep. Closing my eyes, believing it would be the last time I went to sleep awake, and waking up to find that you're next to me which means that I'm still alive…that I still have hope. I have hope in what exactly? To be alive or to believe I can actually have you return my feelings?_

_With my eyes squeezed shut, I just tried to blank her out of my thoughts. Yet the smell of her lingered around me, intoxicating my mind. _

"_Go away, Emma", I said firmly, voice strained but firm, and there was a pain in my chest, a flutter of some sort, then a warming effect travelling from my midsection all the way down my inner thighs. My cheeks were probably flushed by now from the thoughts that graced my mind. So I decided to close my eyes, breathing in slowly, refreshing myself._

"_That's it", she said all of a sudden, and before I could register what occurred next, fingers closed around my left wrist and I was being pulled up. _

"_What the devil are you…" but she was strong and determined, her grip not too tight but just enough to get me up and standing. "Fuck!" I swore, staggered, blinking, scowling, wanting to lash out at her. _

_But she had the edge of the sleeping bag within her grip. And she commenced the dragging across the grass, pulling my rolled up duffel bag with her, my coat and then the buckle on the bag became undone. She stopped in her tracks when my black bra peeked out at her from within. Turning to look at me, Emma raised an eyebrow. She waited._

"_What?" I asked blandly._

"_You actually took that off?" a smile was on her face now, barely but mocking me enough._

"_The heat is unbearable most times, I don't see why there is any need for me to wear…well, I already have on a vest so…" I stopped and scowled, "why am I even discussing this with you?" Actually the real reason behind me getting rid of that crucial article of clothing hadn't been because of the heat. Somehow inside my demented mind, I believed that with just my lace vest under my shirt, a few buttons undone, her attention would be captured. Even if it was only briefly. _

_Her emerald eyes now lowered to my chest. And I glowered inside. I was melting._

"_So everything's hanging loose?" _

"_Oh quit it", I demanded, eyes lowered, and rushing forward, my hands snatched the dangling article of clothing from her hand, MY bra. I stooped to push it back within the depths of my bag then fastening the strap, and shoved it across the canvas, knowing that my cheeks were flushed._

"_I wish I could take mine off", she offered, and as I sat upon the ground, my eyes latched themselves unto her. She smiled._

_I waited. "What? You want me to give you an invitation to do so?"_

"_The problem with that is, if I take mine off, then Hook's eyes will pop out and so will Neal's."_

"_Poor you", I said sardonically. _

"_Plus if I get wet somehow, then everything will just…"_

"_Miss Swan", I began in a firm voice, my eyes meeting hers and holding a glare, "do not continue that sentence or I will gag you."_

"_If you're into that kind of thing then that's okay", and she beamed at me. _

"_I want to sleep. And you are preventing me from sleeping." I stared wildly at her. "Do you know what happens to me when I am denied sleep?"_

"_You…will…pelt me with a coconut?"_

"_No…" I said watching at her. "I will eat you."_

"_Oh my…" spreading her arms wide open, she grinned ear to ear, "aren't we getting all forest-like and rough. Come and eat me."_

"_I'm not tempted anymore…" I waved a hand in her direction, looking away as desire pinched me in all areas of my body. "I'm not into…that."_

"_Don't you want me? Look…" and she tilted her head sideways as I looked up to gaze at her, hanging on her words. Lifting a hand, Emma began to twirl her hair, batting her eyelashes at me. _

"_It might work on Hook and whatever his name is", I said, swallowing and looking away, "but not on me."_

"_Oh…" she said, "anyway, at least I tried. Night…"_

_I turned to look at her for a long time as she stooped on the ground adjusting her sleeping bag, eyes never meeting mine. And then when she felt the ground, stretching herself out under the night sky, my gaze was turned in her direction as I rested my head on my duffel bag, arms folded._

_And with our sleeping bags an inch apart because I did measure it with my wandering eyes afterwards, we slept beside each other. Yet when she chose to lie on her side moments after, facing me, I turned to gaze at her with intense eyes. Those same eyes of mine roamed every inch of her that was visible from where I was. But after time had passed, a finger replaced my eyes. And I guiltily allowed the tip of my index finger to draw a line down the side of her neck and over her left shoulder. Yet as soon as the feel of her skin began to drive me crazy, a soft moan escaping her lips as she slept, I withdrew my hand._

* * *

The day I left Storybrooke, Snow and Charming were the first to come to see me off. Standing there with a bean in my hand and just a duffel bag slung over my shoulder, I tried to fight the feeling pulling me back, trying to prevent me from leaving. This town, all of it had become so familiar to me. And when I had returned here after being thrown into the Enchanted forest many months ago, I was so relieved to be back. Now I was leaving again because I couldn't stay.

"Why…" Snow asked, her round face saddened, eyes filled with tears as she snatched my hand, "Regina, why are you leaving us?"

"I need to", and squeezing her hand, I tried to smile, but my face was frozen.

"Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Yes."

We gazed at each other for a long time, searching eyes and then she finally saw something inside of me that convinced her on my decision. Pulling me into a hug, Snow patted my back and sniffed.

"I'm going to miss you so much. Just as we were becoming close again, you want to leave. Will you come back?"

"I don't know", I said.

"Regina, I'm your family. I wish you'd understand that."

"I do, in more ways than one."

"Stay…"

"I can't…"

Footfalls padded behind me and I knew it was her even before I turned around. When I did, she was standing there and just as it had been before when she left Storybrooke, it felt the same way now. The only difference was that it was me who leaving instead. And as we gazed at each other, Emma stepped forward tentatively, her eyes searching mine.

"Where are you going?" she asked, her eyes bloodshot as if she hadn't slept properly, her face creased with worry. "Did something happen? Why are you…" her eyes rested on my duffel bag and then she looked at Robin then the bean I was holding in my right hand.

"She's leaving Storybrooke", Snow said sadly. "I don't know why but…"

"Where…" and she remained silent for a while. "You're…" she stopped, her eyes wide, "…going back to Fairytale Land…the…Enchanted Forest?"

"Emma, I can't stay here anymore…" I said, and I couldn't breathe.

"What? Why?"

"I have to…I don't belong here anymore. I can't..."

Neal was standing near the sidewalk, his eyes lowered as he toed the ground and anger welled up within me. Meeting my glare, he turned to focus his eyes on me and returned one full on.

"But Henry…" Emma said quietly.

"Take care of him for me. I know you will." And I guess it shouldn't have been done but I did it anyway. Stepping up to her, I did the one thing we had never done before. Slowly wrapping an arm around her neck, I pulled her closer to me. And my heart galloped in my chest but I was in so much pain, I wanted to cry. For the first time since we had met each other, I was so close to Emma, I was hugging her and I didn't want to let her go. She smelt so good, her hair and I could detect a faint smell of cookies, the feel of her red leather jacket.

"I'm sorry…" she said into my ear. "I'm sorry. Don't leave like this. I…" her fingers pressed into my back as she breathed on my neck, "I'm sorry I said all those things about you. You belong here. I'm…"

"Take care of yourself, Emma." And I pressed my cheek against hers, my eyes focused on Neal. "I'll miss you…and as much as I know it sounds ridiculous, I hope that one day, I will see you again."

"I…" she held unto me, refusing to let go and tears welled up in my eyes. Pulling away, I blinked them away. "Don't leave us. Just stay here and try to make things work", she whispered. "Stay…"

"If I stay here", I said looking into her eyes, "I will never be happy."

"Why? You…have Henry and…me, you have us."

"You have your family now."

"I'm your family…"

I felt Robin's hand on my shoulder and suddenly my focus was returned. Turning to look at our son, I smiled. "Goodbye, Henry."

"Mom…"

"Behave yourself and don't forget me. I'll be back…some day."

Emma was still looking at me and she stepped forward. "Regina, I…"

I waited, my eyes searching hers. "I wish I could stay for your wedding", I said quietly, "but I know you'll still have a good time even without me there. So I'll wish you the best and hope that you enjoy it, every bit of it…" Ruby jogged towards me, her eyes saddened.

"If you don't come back, I'll catch your scent, hunt you down and drag you back." She smiled wryly.

When we hugged, she whispered, "babe, if this is what you want, then I respect that. Just take care of yourself. Miss you, I will." And she pressed a kiss on my right cheek, then on my lips. "Boom, let's give her something to think about." Stepping back, Emma watched from her to me then to her again.

And in less than five minutes after, I was gone.

* * *

He was laughing, his laughter muffled from the thickness of the window where I silently sat with my feet under me, Roland nestled snugly within my arms. And as the sinking sun caught the highlights in his ruffled hair, the lighter shades reminded me of someone else. There was this dull biting at the corners of my distracted mind. But just as I caught myself becoming consumed with thoughts that always ripped my heart to shreds, I wrapped my arms tighter around the little body lying against me. He was now warming from the fire licking the wood within the hearth, and soon I'd have to wake him up to eat dinner. But for now all I managed to do was to sit there and try to gather some comfort in what I currently had.

"Don't be sad, sweetheart…" I cradled his head in the crook of my right arm, rocking him slowly, gazing at him, and allowing the warmth from my body to soothe his little soul. There were tears in his small eyes, and mine moistened by reflex. "Shhh…do you want me to tell you a story?"

Peering up at me, Roland nodded slowly. "I'm so sleepy, mommy." And I reached down with my left thumb to wipe the tears away from his small cheeks. My eyes stung every time he referred to me as 'mommy'.

"There was once an Evil Queen that everyone hated all around the realm", I began in a soft voice, caressing his face, "no one really liked her because of the things she did to people. But what they never realized was that when she was younger, something terrible happened to her, something so terrible that the Queen believed she'd never be happy again. So she kept trying to make other people unhappy. And she would ki…" I had to bite back my words, "she would steal their pets…well, their rabbits and cats, and their flowers…"

"That's…bad", Roland said in a strained voice, worry in his eyes.

I frowned. "I know but one day, this White Knight came riding in on a yellow horse and the Queen thought…who is this person? What does he want? But…" and I decided to say it anyway, "the Knight was a very beautiful woman with golden hair just like her horse. And from the first time the Queen looked at her, she fell in love with the woman."

"Did the Queen stop stealing the cats and the bunnies then?" he asked frowning, and I had to smile because the innocence of a child's mind is the purest of all things. The importance of gender didn't affect his line of thought.

"Yes", I said nodding slowly, "she returned all their bunnies and cats, and she gave them new seeds to replant what they had lost."

"And the Queen married the Knight?" he asked.

"She…something happened, and the Knight was separated from the Queen."

Eyes still cast outside as the muted conversation continued, Robin cast his eyes this way, a hand pointed to show my location, where I was, and then the older man's face washed over with warmth. I was probably being announced as the woman he now called his other half, not his devoted second wife, just the other part that he believed could make him entirely complete. But could I ever fully complete him as he desired? Maybe the problem was me and would always be me because no matter how hard I tried to love him completely; a piece of the relationship was always missing. And even though we both recognized something was wrong, our explanations on the fault were entirely different.

"What happened", Roland asked, his eyes groggy from exhaustion after a long day out with his father.

"The Knight loved someone else, sweetheart. And she…"

"Made the Queen sad?" he looked up now, and as I detected his saddened eyes, tears pinched mine.

"Yes, she did."

"But she got her back, right?" Roland asked, "she used her sword and swoosh, swoosh", and he waved his small hand in front of him, "and she fought, and she rode a horse and then she found the Knight back, right?"

I was breaking. There were tears in my eyes. "Yes, she did all of that. And then…."

"They lived happily ever after", he said softly, then yawned, a little fist reaching up to rub his right eye.

"It would seem so…"

I wanted to declare to him that not every life story had a fluffy happy ending, that this one lacked sadly the warming effects of ending up with the one you truly love. But he was just an innocent child and the worries of life's harshness shouldn't bother him just yet. That would all come in time. Someday he would realize that there would come a point in his life where he would have to let go. Or if he was as brave as his father, to which I had no denials, then he'd fight for the one he would come to love, something I had failed to do.

I chose to run instead.

When she had left before, I had stopped at nothing to get her back. Now she was gone because of the heartbreaking choice I had made to move past her, to let her go. But could you ever let go that easily, especially if you were so madly in love with someone who haunted your dreams every single night?

Two months after I left Storybrooke, the man I shared the same warm bed with became nothing more than a friendly person to me. He was just someone I had met and blatantly fooled myself into actually believing that we being soul mates could somehow make me forget her completely. But the more he loved me, did everything he could for me, comforted me and tried to make this thing work, all I could grasp from this all was how flimsy it was on my side.

Now it was more than a year and a half after and I was living with him, I was alive. But I just kept dying inside because the longer I remained away from her, the harder it became for me to breathe. And every single second I spent counting the number of times she crossed my mind, I constantly felt the purest of pain because of what I did. But it was also what she had done.

Everyone knew I was a strong person. I was composed, had my feelings in order, nothing bothered me as much, everything I controlled. I had careful control over myself until I met her. And the man that was standing outside this place we now called home, he would never be able to fill that void inside my heart. No one else could but her. I knew this. I could feel it. It was like the ghost of a missing piece that completed me, trying to fit itself into place. I felt the glimpse of comfort, of being whole. But that piece never solidified. It was just like she was: for months it remained a ghost.

There was the turning of the doorknob as his heavy boots brushed against the furry mat outside the door. And pushing it open now just enough to show his head, he smiled at me. Roland was asleep now.

"Hey there…"

I smiled wryly. "Hey…"

"I'll follow Jones home, probably pass through the grocery store." He reached up to run his fingers through his hair, those lighter shades catching my eyes only. "Then I'll be back in no time."

"Right…" I said softly, and just for a dramatic effect, I hugged Roland tighter, smiling, "we'll be okay, don't worry."

A smile was returned, a genuine one as his eyes searched mine. "If you only knew how beautiful you look as the fire warms your face."

"Stop buttering me up and be on your way." My cheeks were blushed from the warmth of the fire but not by his affections. That smile just remained frozen on my face though, one that began to ache.

"Don't forget to lock the door behind me."

"I wouldn't."

And he was gone.

Roland groaned against me softly and I adjusted his head against my right arm as I got up slowly. After depositing him unto his bed in the other room, fixing the sheet, adjusting his pillows shaped like the heads of various animals, I went to lock the door. Then moving to the chair once again, the cushion sighing under me as I sat down, I quietly rested my head back and closed my eyes for a moment. The minute I did, my mind regretted it because like many occasions before, my heart formed visions in my head that threatened to break me. It wasn't long before I had fallen asleep.

The world was black possibly after two minutes.

I kept seeing a face over and over again playing behind my eyelids, kept hearing the sound of a familiar laughter, the laughter attached to that face. And my attention clung unto these visions of her desperately. Like someone drowning, arms flailing, eyes wide, she was the beam of light that was pulling me back to shore. Yet something was wrong. There I was in my head obviously, I had become consumed with mental images of a person who existed but the sound of her voice, these visions of her face: everything appeared all too real and beautiful. But they weren't real. She wasn't here. There was a time when she always chose to be in my company, yet now it just…it wasn't like that. She was gone.

Through the sea of visions that tormented me in the blackness, sharp pain sliced through my head and mind, almost as if it was terrible enough to even feel these things, see a face, hear a voice, to drown in those emerald eyes. And somehow it felt like one of those nightmares where you are conscious of the bad dreams, yet your eyes, they remain close firmly, almost as if someone has glued them shut. I was being lashed at with memories and such, well…a hurricane of terror because she wasn't here.

I began to dream about her and my mind escaped on its own. Back in Neverland once more, I began to relive times spent with her.

_There I was, sitting, hugging my knees._

_When I was certain that everyone was asleep, I snatched up my duffel bag, slung it over my shoulders and slowly made my way through the trees. When the glint of the moonlight upon the lake's surface met my searching eyes, I sighed from relief then strode towards the edge. The water continued to lap upon the shore as I bent down to rest the bag on the sand. And without hesitating, I sat upon a rock, the surface cold and somehow refreshing, soothing my tense muscles in my legs. Fingers reached down to tug off one boot, then the other, and within a minute, sand crunched beneath my bare feet as I walked to the water._

_But I didn't wade in immediately._

_Choosing to step down, I sat upon a rock with my feet dangling in the cool water, about a foot up from the bottom of my pants wet already. And with my palms against the jagged edge of the rock, I just closed my eyes and inhaled the scent of water, wild forest and somehow…somehow I tried to gather some sort of peace within me. I tried to let go of the tension as the water licked the shore, the splash of it sounding quite musical. Above all though, I wanted desperately to just sit there and think of her._

_Not so long ago after we had stopped to rest, she had offered me something to eat. It wasn't the ultimate gesture but it was somehow needed on my part because it was the way she had done it. When everyone had been sitting around the burning fire, I had gotten up with a sigh and decided to sit by myself against a tree just to be away from Neal and Hook's incessant chatter, their frivolous attempts to woo her. _

"_All I'm saying is that we have a son together", Neal was saying as I stepped away, hanging my head, "you're just some bloody pirate who can't even hold his shit together. You never could."_

"_Says the lad who abandoned her years ago." _

"_I came back."_

"_And expect to pick up the pieces just like that", Hook stated. "Look, mate, don't get me wrong but Emma has already chosen me. Not you."_

"_Just because she kissed you, she chose you?" Neal asked as I sat behind the tree, pulling my knees to my chest, eyes burning._

"_Both of you…stop", Emma demanded. _

"_No, you've got to choose some time or the other, Emma", Neal said firmly, "we get it that Henry is first priority, but you've got to deal with this. You can't run from it."_

"_I'm just sick of both of you behaving like we've got this competition going on and all you're focused on is who wins me over. Shit…"_

"_I'll win you over", Hook piped up. And I waited. I listened, and then a sigh escaped from within me._

"_Oh fuck you…" Neal provided._

"_Neither of you will even be friends of mine if you continue with this bullshit", Emma declared forcefully. _

"_Alright, let's say you had to choose one of us", Hook stubbornly continued, and I rested my head back on the tree trunk, eyes closed, listening. "Who would you choose, just off the bat."_

"_Since all of you have been pathetic since we got here, trying to win me over, or replace me with a baby, yeah that's right…I get the drift." And I knew this was directed at Snow whose eyes probably were wide as saucers now. I liked it very much. "I'd choose Regina…" my breath caught in my throat and a gasp escaped from between my lips. "Because she's the only person who seems to be considerate, helpful and reassuring and the fact that she's actually trying to help me find OUR son since that's our main focus here, she gets a bonus for that."_

_And within seconds, Emma was sitting by my side, offering me a morsel to eat. I took it as we gazed at each other, and just for a moment in time, I believed she was going to kiss me. But…she never did._

_No one else had spoken after that because that was the effect I had on people. Whenever my name was ever uttered, I'd be treated like vomit. Wipe it up and get rid of it as quickly as possible._

_Closing my eyes, I listened to the waves once more and breathed in, feeling the soft current moving around my toes. And suddenly something was different. Quickly my eyes flew open, senses tingling and I looked down into emerald eyes surrounded by a wet tangle of blonde hair._

"_Hi…"_

"_What the…"_

"_I'm a mermaid and I'm here to take you into the sea with me."_

_For a moment, I was breathless. Emma was wet, and she was…I couldn't speak, nor could I move. Suddenly the chill of the situation turned me on so much that I believed she wasn't the only one who was wet. _

"_Stop being…so ridiculous and put on your clothes", I said hoarsely, my face flushed. "I left you sleeping moments ago, how is it…"_

"_Old trick I learned in the system…bundle up some clothes to make a shape under a sheet", and with her hands on either side of her treading the water, she gazed at me, "bet you didn't even check for my head."_

_I chose not to answer, but it took great effort to remove my eyes from the swell of her breasts, my imagination running wild when I wondered if she was completely naked. All I wished to do was to slip into the water in front of her and commence the tormenting moment I had dreamt about constantly over and over again. Would she tremble if I touched her…any part of her body? Would she welcome it or lash away my hand? I wanted to touch her so badly, turn her back against the rock and crush my lips on hers hungrily, tasting her for the first time, allowing her to awaken me from many years of pain. I wanted to touch Emma, to kiss her so bad. _

_I thought about Neal, and Hook, about her parents and what she wanted. I remembered witnessing her kiss the Pirate for myself, standing there when she confessed that she never stopped loving Neal. Yet, she had declared earlier that I was considerate and reassuring… _

_Lifting my legs, I rested my feet on either side of her shoulders and pushed her away from me, biting my lips as tears stung my eyes, our gaze never faltering, the water rippling around her as she moved back through it._

"_Go away", I said quietly, "leave me alone, Emma."_

_She was smiling as her body moved closer once more, and I gasped when her fingers brushed against the soles of my feet. Immediately my inner thighs tingled and between my legs…well…you get the idea. _

"_Come in…"_

"_No…" I said quickly. Too quickly. Immediately her face expression changed. She wasn't smiling anymore. And when I watched her swim away, my insides crumbled because I could have said yes. I could have done exactly what I desired. Yet I held myself back. Why? Because once I started what I had planned, there was no going back to where we were before. _

"_Come back", I said to myself, watching her swim away. But she couldn't hear me. _

_And I honestly believed that being right where we were…that was all I would ever have._

I woke up with a pounding headache, pain slicing through my head like hot flames. For the umpteenth time during that week, my stomach churned, and I grew extremely dizzy. Now someone was purposely shaking me awake, bringing me back into the present. But my mind had desired only to stay within the past because of those memories that I could guiltily relive over and over again. It was something I longed for so badly: to just escape into the past and…well, then I could have told her.

"Regina…" it was him.

"Yes…" and I reached out blindly to snatch at his arm, "I'm here."

"Welcome back", he said as I blinked him into focus, his eyes creased from concern and worry, "bad dream…again."

"As always", I declared halfheartedly, and my gaze was strained, focused elsewhere now as I peered around the living room. "Wait…" it was pitch dark outside as I could detect from beyond the window now, "what time is it?"

"After six", he said quietly, "but…" and a hand was raised, his eyes soft, "I came in about an hour ago, and Roland already had his dinner. No worries."

"I'm full!" a small voice announced from across the room and I reared my head to catch the twinkle of his eyes as he sat near the table drawing. "No worries!"

Robin laughed. And so did I but as soon as I did, pain sliced through my head once more and reaching up with a shaky hand quickly, I winced. He caught my sudden expression and frowned deeply.

"Ah…it's nothing", I lied, waving it off, "just a migraine."

"Regina, are you sure you're alright?" I reached up to rest a hand on my midsection, swallowing hard as the nausea overwhelmed me. "Because you've been…" and he stopped as I gasped. Springing up from the bed, my thoughts still scattered, vision blurring from the sudden movement, I darted towards the small washroom.

When I emptied the contents of my stomach into the bowl, head bent low as I clutched at my stomach, choking on bitter bile, in he rushed. And stooping beside me, a hand was rested on my back as I continued to vomit uncontrollably with my eyes squeezed shut.

Within a span of a minute as I was on my knees next to him, I suddenly realized what all of this meant. And it contorted my thoughts as tears pinched my eyes because denial could color over the truth only for so long in time. Yet when reality choked you with its hot grasp, there was no turning back from the truth. And there and then I was washed over with fear, the sort of feeling that chilled your thoughts and slowed down the moment you currently were dwelling in.

What had I expected, something different from this?

It had all been forthcoming from the very first time I had slept with him in Storybrooke, knowing well enough that my exposure to him completely could warrant such a result at any time. And even though the situation had been delicate, even though I had been trying to find feelings for someone who I could never love, it continued to happen over and over again. I'd somehow believe when we made love that this time around, something would happen. When he kissed me passionately, when he moved over me and inside me, I would feel something, something strong. And it would be so strong that her memories would be erased from my mind. She'd begin to evaporate, her scent, everything she did, the way I felt so deeply for her. All of it would just disappear.

I kept trying to find that place with Robin for months and months, that passion. And what began as an attempt to forget her only led to a terrible pathway that involved me using him entirely for that sole purpose. We could press on with the falsified truth within us that this would last forever, what we had. And the nights when he pulled me close, his warmth radiating from within as his lips pressed against mine, trying to find a reaction, I returned what was needed. We never made love for a lengthy stretch of time because it was that passionate enough. It was always based on the fact that I never could reach the edge with him at all. And it transcended into a point in time when I began to fake that moment of bliss.

Now I was carrying his child, I had slipped up so bad, had fucked up myself. And when I realized what had been done, what I had done to myself, I just hated it all. I couldn't do this anymore. No. This had to stop because I had tried so hard to do this for months now, had believed that he could be my happy ending if it wasn't her, if it couldn't be her. And all that had happened was just awfully ridiculous. It was so painful. Maybe this was exactly what my future held for me because of my scarred past. This was what I deserved. She always used to tell me that I'm not a villain, I'm everything else but a villain. But she had proven all of that bullshit to be wrong because I could never ever find true happiness with anyone else but her.

Didn't she know that when she said yes to his proposal that it just…killed me inside?

"I'm taking you to the doctor tomorrow", he said softly as I was helped to the bed, Roland coming to stand next to us with worried eyes.

I made up every single excuse possible the following day to prevent him from taking me to see the doctor. Instead, the physician came to me. When she was in bedroom, Robin pacing the living room, I blatantly told the greying woman dressed in a nurse uniform that I was fully aware of my current situation. And after confirming that I was indeed pregnant, my words were as such to her. I pleaded with her to refrain from alerting him on my condition, declaring that I wished to tell him personally. When she left and he rushed in, I simply told him that it was a mild case of stomach flu.

And henceforth began the foolish decision on my part to hide my condition from him. I had the seamstress sew my shirts a size larger and longer, and very soon, I was showing more and more. It was so terrifying for me because for the first time in my life, I was experiencing this new change within me.

* * *

We were residing in the village Ravenstown, having lived there from the time we returned. It was a town Robin had frequented many times before in the past. And it was a place where I could conceal my identity from those who were still searching for me. These people who had known me when I reigned as Queen were out for blood up to this day and year, putting up posters all over to have me captured. It's why I had to mostly remain in the house, or if I wished to go outdoors, I'd wear my black cloak with a hoodie drawn over my head. You might say that I was foolish to continue to live like that. But had we moved anywhere else, it would have been much worse for me.

Living in the Enchanted Forest on the run, never settling down would never have gotten us far. And they had destroyed my palace, my kingdom, burning it to the ground, smashing the walls with hammers and pickaxes to prove a point. In a nutshell, my existence was a sin to them. And if I was caught, they promised to burn me for my 'Pagan' ways.

Anyway, since moving here with Robin, I had met so many people who knew of my identity but all in all they accepted me for who I was without passing any judgments. There was Mulan who rode by many days, stopping in to see her friend Robin. And she'd enquire after my health, how I was holding up. But she wasn't a woman of many words. Then there were Robin's other friends who had been in his band of outlaws over the years. Now those men were the weirdest bunch I had ever set eyes on. From a first glance, they appeared fierce and dangerous, but upon meeting me, their faces warmed with affection and consideration.

I suddenly felt as if I could make things work by living like this. But I could never live the rest of my life fooling myself like this. It's one thing to live a happy life with happy people. It's another thing when you know to yourself that it's just a façade and deep down, it's not what you want.

Four months into my pregnancy and I realized that very soon, my condition would cease to be capable of concealing for I was growing terribly ill. At first, what appeared to be normal morning sickness turned into extreme nausea that lasted throughout the day. And instead of gaining weight, I remained the same size. Very soon, I began to have severe back and abdominal pains, and my legs killed me.

For the first year I had secured a job at the hospital, as surprising as it would sound, where I dealt with financial stuff, my area of expertise. I checked the books and audited the statements for months, taking walks around the hospital, trying to fit in and find some distraction to keep my mind away from Storybrooke.

It worked for some time, especially when I'd visit the elderly patients because there was this old woman by the name of Eileen who constantly kept inviting me to sit on her bed, to talk to her about myself. She was dying from cancer, and the first time I entered the ward, just to take a look around, I never intended to stay. But upon hearing her call out to me, I tentatively approached her. And after hearing of her condition, my heart instantly warmed towards her. Very soon she was telling me about her husband who had died in the nineties from lung cancer.

"He was the love of my life", she said smiling, pressing my hand between hers, "the love of my life until he closed his eyes. Dear, if it's one thing that makes you happy is to die in the arms of the one you love. My Charlie was my everything and we hated each other when we first met." She laughed, her eyes watering.

The nurse who was on watch sat at her desk and observed us with warm eyes, a smile on her face.

"I hated him", she said, "he was so obnoxious and bold, always challenging me and believing he was so important. But one day I hated him so much that I began to fall in love with him. He had this way", and she swallowed, her eyes looking up at the ceiling, "with the ladies and they always followed him like if he was a Prince. But one day, after waiting for years on him to make a move on me, I stomped up to his house and banged the door down. Then when he opened it, I was over thirty years old then, imagine that. Ten years after knowing him, when he opened the door, I just kissed him."

"Ten years…" I asked, my throat aching as her story ran almost parallel to mine in more ways than one.

"Ten years, love", and she smiled. "I see so much hurt in your eyes. I see pain and a terrible past, conflict. But don't you have someone you love?"

"Yes."

She searched my eyes. "Then why are you so sad?"

"There are two", I said quietly, allowing her to see my vulnerability, "one I have been living with for over a year, but the other one I left because…she…never loved me as much as I love her."

"Oh to lose the one you love to someone else", and she sighed.

"She's like your Charlie", I said smiling, my eyes burning, "she's so beautiful, so…" I reached up to wipe the corner of my right eye, "bold that men just cannot help but run after her. And me…" I looked away, then laughed hoarsely, "I'm just one of the fools who ended up falling desperately in love with her."

"Did you tell her how you feel?" she asked, her eyes saddened.

I shook my head. "No, I never did. I tried but…the words wouldn't come."

"I'll tell you one thing, dear", Eileen said, taking my hand and holding it between hers, "when you love someone, you should tell them. I think people should all tell the person they love those three words. Doesn't have to be direct. All you have to do is say it. See what happens. I think if you ever get the chance, you should tell her. You're suffering from a broken heart and the only person who can heal your wounds is the girl who you left to be with another."

"You make it sound so easy", I said warily, "to just say it when it's not easy at all."

"Love is never easy. The harder it is, the stronger it is and it's worthier."

"Anyway, she's married now."

"Oh…" Eileen said. "You are filled with sadness. I want to help you."

"It's okay", I said. "Never mind me."

"Many years ago, I met a genie whilst I was travelling with Charlie in a land far away", she said, reaching into her blouse to take out her necklace. "And he gave me three wishes. The first one…well, I wanted to wish all the women away in Charlie's life but I never did." And she smiled. "Instead, I wished for fertility because I was barren. The second, I wished stupidly for my third child to live for he was dying from scarlet fever. Little did I know even magic cannot bring back a person who is more than half dead. And now…" she unclipped the small pouch hanging around her neck and held it out to me with a shaky hand. It was red and made of velvet with a drawstring around its neck. "I'd like you to have the last wish because I have a feeling you'll need it."

"I can't…" I said, hesitating to take it.

"What will I do with it?" she asked. "My days are numbered and when I die, it will remain, someone will take it who doesn't deserve it, who will waste it. And I want you to have it because I have a feeling that you'll find a wish that you need."

"I…"

"Take it", she said and snatching my hand, she deposited the small pouch into my palm. "Use it wisely."

* * *

Four months into my pregnancy and I was sitting before the fire, poking the wood with a stick when my fingers began to sting. Dropping the stick immediately, I held my hands up before me, splaying them as I studied my fingers and wondered what on earth was occurring. Very soon, I was washed over with a warming sensation, almost as if a net of magic had been thrown over me. And I gasped.

"Feel that?" I'd know that voice anywhere. Turning around, Gold stood behind me, his eyes shining. "That's something you should know all too well."

I knew that feeling. It was something I'd never forget. "How…" I began.

"She's using her magic again", he said watching me. "She's practicing and I wonder why all of a sudden after over a year, she's suddenly decided to use something she really hated in the first place."

I was astounded by this news, my eyes wide as I considered him. "Have you seen her?" I asked, my throat closing up and I rose from the couch, feeling my way around it as my feet ached me. "How is she? Is she alright?"

"She's fine. You…" he said pointing towards me, "on the other hand, you're sick. I dare say, Regina, how long do you intend to hide that from him?"

"As long as I can", I said stubbornly. "It's none of your business."

"I always thought highly of you, since you were younger", he said folding his arms, his black shirt neatly pressed, hair greying. "You always were so bold and so brave. Yet instead of telling her how you feel, you simply…ran."

"Leave me alone", I said, looking away.

"I'm returning there tomorrow", he said as I turned my back on him. "Is there anything you want me to…tell…Emma?"

I thought about it for a long time and slowly lowering myself unto the chair, wincing from the tightness around my midsection, I felt tears pinch my eyes. "Can you please tell her that I hope she's well and…" I waved a hand, the other pressed to my forehead, my eyes squeezed shut, "I…"

"I'll fill in the rest suitably", he informed me. "I get the feeling I'll be seeing you in Storybrooke sometime soon."

When he disappeared on the spot, I gazed in his wake for a very long time.

* * *

About a month after on a rainy night when Robin returned home, I was sitting there with tears in my eyes as I prepared to tell him the truth, not about the baby but about my feelings and how they still remained the same.

"I had a feeling you'd tell me this someday", he said quietly, quite composed as he took a seat next to me. "Ever since that day we left Storybrooke, I know that you've been trying so hard to move on. You've been working so hard to get past that. And I know." He took my hand, squeezed it, his eyes on me, "I know that you love me. But up to this day you still love her more."

"I'm sorry", I said. "I'm so sorry."

"No…" as I lowered my head, my tears dripping unto my lap, he held my chin in his hand and lifted my face. "Regina, I just want you to be happy. I don't want to have you live your life being sad and broken. Tell me, what do you want to do?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want to go back?"

"I don't…know, Robin, I…"

"I always kept telling myself ever since we met, since we moved here that one morning if I wake up and you're nowhere to be seen, I know for certain that you grew tired of trying. And you just decided to leave me. From then, I'd have to accept your choice because I couldn't say that I wasn't aware of your struggle. But I only wish you to understand that I love you whereas she never did. And I want you to be happy."

"If I go back, will you go with me?" I asked, holding his hands, searching his eyes.

"I don't think I can", he said quietly, "because if you go back, it's just for one purpose and from the beginning, I was never a part of it."

"Robin, don't…"

"Just know…" he said pulling me close, "that I'll be here for you always. If you go back and things don't work out, then come back to me. If you go and you don't return, then I'll understand. I can't make you love me, Regina." Lifting a hand, he caressed my cheek. "You've tried but you're only fooling yourself."

He left me sitting on the couch that night whilst he retreated to the bedroom. And before he left, his eyes looked at me long and deep for over a minute. Somewhere deep down inside, I believed that he had been preparing for that moment for months, and I realized how terrible I was. How could I have used him like that? I was so selfish. I couldn't understand how I felt the need to cling unto someone who I had hurt me, and I had left to be with someone who actually loved me.

I couldn't sleep that night. Thinking about it, I realized that if I did go back to Storybrooke, I'd do as Eileen said. I'd tell her and get over with it. I'd do it and even though she was married, I'd just say it because I had to, I had to get it off my chest. And then what? For the first time in my life, I had no idea which road to take. If I took either, I had no way where it would lead me. One could keep me living a life where I was comfortable. The other…I had no idea how it would progress. If anything, I could come back to him.

But what about his baby?

I'd have to tell him some day and we'd meet again. I promised to do that, based on whatever decision I made.

Half an hour before midnight, I slowly made my way into the room I had shared with him for more than a year. And as he slept on his side, his back to me, I pulled open my drawer and emptied my clothes into my duffel bag, leaving one of my yellow shirts so that he could have something to remember me by. As I was packing my stuff into my bag, I cried in the dark because as stupid as it would sound on my part, as selfish as it appeared, I had to admit that I'd miss him. We had become so close as friends, we had slept together, and in the end, here I was leaving him.

Before I left, I went into Roland's room and pressed a kiss on his forehead as he slept. And I promised myself that I'd make sure that we met again. That I intended to happen…

Then pulling open the front door, I stepped outside into the night and gazed upon the full moon above. Full moons always reminded me of Ruby and I longed to see her once more.

If it was as true as was said, then there would be no problem. Taking out the small red purse, I pulled it open, upturning it unto my palm. And when the small red stone tumbled out, my eyes stared at it for a long time. The rustle of the leaves around me soothed my mind. I wanted to turn around and go back inside, to curl up in the bed and sleep because I wasn't feeling well at all. My head was aching and like always, my feet ached, swollen and stiff.

I didn't know what was to be expected but I just closed my hand around the stone and squeezed my eyes shut. And as the wind whirled around me, I stood still for a while.

"I wish to…return to Storybrooke…with the courage this time to tell…Emma what I have been dying to tell her ever since I left", I said, holding my breath.

And as I listened, as I waited, I wondered if I had stated my wish properly. Maybe I had said it wrong. But then this warm sensation washed over me and suddenly, the rustle of the leaves was muted. Very soon, I felt extreme nausea choke me as I struggled to breathe and my eyes flew open immediately. Before I was made aware of my surroundings, I clutched at my stomach, bending over to empty the contents unto the grass in front of me. Sputtering, almost falling to my knees, I staggered as the sky burst above and rain pelted down on me hard, biting into my skin. Stumbling to the ground, I stayed there as my legs refused to respond, as my body ached and I felt so terrible. I began to cry, my eyes desperately searching around me, trying to detect where I was.

The first thing I noticed was that my surroundings were different. I knew not where I was but I wasn't where I had been just now. And the only thing I could make out through the haze of the rain was a window, a light on inside and a dog barking somewhere close. Reaching out, I held unto a fence to my right and pulled myself up using all the strength I had. Eventually, I managed to walk the rest of the way, having no idea where I was going but knowing to myself that when a house had a window, it must have a front door.

Upon reaching the corner of the house, I pressed my back against the wall and my chest heaved as tears stung my eyes. Squinting through the rain, I could make out a red mail box right in front of me. And from the moment I saw her name on the side, I stopped breathing.

I had made it.

Surprisingly, I wasn't overwhelmed with nerves. No. I was somewhat emotionless but feeling terribly sick and weak as if my sudden boldness had drained me. And I decided to not waste time. Making my way towards the front steps as the rain lashed upon me, I couldn't see much but I sensed change all around me. Storybrooke felt different somehow, or maybe it was just me. I stepped up and bit my lips as my hair dripped water, my clothes soak, my jeans and my shirt. I'd catch a cold if I didn't dry myself up soon enough. And with the state of sickness I was in, God help me if I got any worse.

It was then when I knocked. I waited. And as I did, I could feel my heart racing but distant, almost as if it was buried inside my chest miles and miles away.

When the door was pulled inwards, I guess that I hadn't fully prepared myself, but had just acted on whim because from the time my eyes met hers, I realized that I had been holding my breath for a long time. And I still couldn't breathe.

"Emma…" She looked different. Her hair was choppier and she had gotten skinnier. But she still looked so beautiful that I couldn't help but allow my eyes to roam over her body, her toned arms and her eyes, those emerald eyes that had haunted my dreams every single night.

"Regina…" she said, her eyes wide, mouth agape.

We stared at each other for a long time. "How…"

"Will you let me in?" I asked as tears drained down my cheeks with rain, "We need to…talk. I've come back…for you…and Henry."

* * *

A/N – When I gave Kay to read this, she kind of flipped out on me, asking me where the hell is SASSY Regina. Up next, is all I'll say. Sass is about to come your way with full force. I guess by now you should all know that nothing comes easy in our stories. So prepare yourself. Needless to say, I hope you enjoyed it. Maybe I got some timings wrong, or I confused you but basically it's like she left Storybrooke close to a year after Emma returned and she went back more than a year after spending time in the Enchanted Forest. When she worked in the hospital, that was before she was pregnant, in the first year she was in FTL. I rushed time by because of the length of the chapter. Guess you all want that REUNION to happen and it's next!

REVIEW ME? Just to let me know if you liked it or not.


	4. The Not So Happy Reunion

**Author's Note [Kay]: **

**This is based on a TRUE STORY. **

The characters belong to the television show Once Upon a Time but the plotline is nonfiction. Only the names have changed. But the facts remain the same. This is my story as I write as Emma and my ex-girlfriend who is now my best friend writes as Regina. I'm giving her a chance to tell her story alongside mine. Chad is still here, but he's twitching from feels so he can't muster up the courage to write. However, he's helping out tremendously and so is Sara Durka, my fellow Swan Queen fanatic. Happy reading! Get that box of tissues!

* * *

**Chapter Four**

"**The Not So Happy Reunion."**

**xx**

**[Emma]**

I couldn't just leave her to stand there all dripping wet, her shirt soaked through, bag soaked, hair wet and her lips. They were just slightly parted. And she was breathing heavy, her chest heaving as I lowered my eyes to consider just that. Suddenly, I couldn't tear my gaze away from the swell of her breasts beneath her wet shirt, remembering that time when we were drenched with sea water from our journey to Neverland and even then I couldn't tear my eyes away from the way her clothes had clung to her. Now it wasn't any different for she wasn't wearing a bra at all, just her usual black vest.

What I could see wasn't helping the situation. It just made it worse.

Moving aside, my knees weak, left hand clutching the door for support, I nodded. My neck felt stiff as every single kind of emotion gripped my throat, choking me with tremendous force. I found it so hard to breathe as she still stood there watching me, those same dark eyes that used to do the famous roam over my body, up and down as if she was doing some sort of a self-assessment.

However, as she moved her eyes over my figure, for the first time since I had known her, I just totally burnt up inside. It got to a point where the collar of my yellow blouse freaking itched my neck, and I wanted to just reach up and tug at it, rip it open further or something. But that would just make things more obvious for I knew exactly what was happening. She was the reason why my knees were so weak, my head spinning as I just couldn't focus, my heart was racing its own course and above all I just couldn't control my breathing.

It's like my body was an express train and I was so close to the crash and burn moment.

Finally when she decided to step forward, over the threshold and into my house, I realized that little by little my brain was trying to process what was happening. It took about a minute for me to believe that she was actually standing there in front of me, another to shake my head, wondering if this was an illusion and about five minutes to realize that the woman who was so near to me, almost two feet away, she was the one who I wanted in so many ways. I wanted her so badly, it was so painful to come to terms with all of it in such a short time. The one person that haunted my dreams, that left me shaking from terrible feelings during the day or night, she was really here.

She had come back.

Lifting her right foot, she winced as her slim fingers found the silver zipper on her brown boot and she pulled it down, the sound filling the silence between us like a slice of lightening. I could have just stopped her from taking off her footwear, but somehow I didn't say anything because as much as we had been separated for such a long time, I knew better than to object to anything she chose to do. It was almost as if she wasn't real at all with the way she chose to stay muted, never saying a word as her movements were played out in front of me. From slipping her boots off to wiping her feet on the mat and reaching up to tuck her wet hair behind an ear, all of it seemed so unreal.

And there we stood once more as I pushed the door close, shutting out the rain lashing against the world outside. All I could hear was her breathing, and my heartbeat. But then if I could hear her breathing then she had to be real. So I didn't relax, I just started to panic and lose control.

I didn't know what the hell to say!

"Can you…please show me to the washroom?" she said hoarsely, "if it isn't too much, I'd like to dry myself off before I get…." And her eyes were lowered to study herself, soaked and dripping.

It took about seven seconds for me to finally react. And when I did, with jerky movements, I moved from the door, expecting her to follow. And she did as my feet led me to the downstairs washroom just before you entered the small kitchen area. Flipping the switch to turn the inside light on, I reached out to grab the doorknob and turned it open, pushing the door to show her the way. Without a word, she stepped past me and entered the yellow lit interior, the smell of Lysol reaching my nose, a whiff of apples intermingled from the hand soap.

I kind of felt embarrassed on the last part because that had been a guilty move on me, to buy that apple scented soap. You could actually count five things in my house that were apple something, from my dishwasher liquid, my air freshener, the Glade upstairs and downstairs, the bottle of Victoria Secret sitting on my vanity and the soap inside there.

"There's a towel on the…stand", I said before she closed the door slowly, her dark eyes meeting mine through the crack. And I just…I don't know what happened to me.

Standing there for about a minute, I still couldn't process what the hell had just happened. With my fingers feeling numb, my bare feet cold as ice, I was aware of the fact that it wasn't the chilled wind pushing itself into the house through cracks that caused that. It was the presence of her in my house that continued to affect me slowly but surely. Dragging my feet towards the kitchen, it felt as if this was just a dream of mine, one of the usual where she frequented, and very soon I'd wake up on the couch from Neal nudging me out of sleep.

Neal…

I went to the sink and absentmindedly reached out for a glass on the tray to my right, upturning it as my eyes were far off. Holding it under the tap, I filled it halfway then held it up before me, studying the water as the foam gradually disappeared. And I sipped, my throat feeling as if it was just a needle wide in width about then. Still I couldn't breathe properly, and my hand quickly gripped the edge of the sink as I really stopped breathing for real this time.

Clutching at my throat, I managed to rest the glass safely on the counter before me as I struggled to suck in air through my mouth. Nothing happened. Instead, my head began to pound from the struggle and I panicked severely in those few seconds, choking as my chest contracted, pressing in on me, squeezing my heart.

Focus, Emma…relax.

Five full minutes of trying to do that, trying to focus on the drizzle of rain on the window glass in front of me and then the dripping of the water from the faucet: gradually I began to relax. I tried to think of anything but her, tried to listen to my heartbeat with a palm pressed on my heaving chest and very soon, the panic attack died away.

"Oh God…" I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut as my elbows met the cold aquamarine colored stone on the kitchen counter, my hands hiding my face. I leant forward and all my mind was consumed with was the image of her standing in front of me.

She wasn't a dream. All of her was real and she was here again after so long. But I had wanted this. This is what I had been longing for. Now she was back and I just couldn't understand why I felt the way I did. It was almost as if someone was pressing me, urging me to just react, to fucking do something, but I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to do now. We had to talk, because that's what she had in mind: a talk, no 'how are you'. Just that she needed us to talk. But to talk about what, I had no idea whatsoever.

I don't know how long she stood there, but my mind was only alerted on her presence when I smelt her. At first I was like, yeah she's in there; she's in my house, so obviously her smell would drift around the air. But her perfume just grew stronger and I swallowed a gasp as foolish fright washed over me. Upon turning around, there she was, standing just near the doorway leading into the kitchen. And the look in her eyes was anything else but a quick formal consideration, a simple look. Instead now those dark eyes met mine and held my gaze so intensely that I couldn't look away at all.

Her wet clothes were gone and replaced by a silver long sleeved jersey that was overly large and looked so ridiculously wrong on her. Even her black pants that were made from hard material appeared so out of place because I was so used to seeing her dressed so formal in her expensive skirt suits or pants suits with her stockings, her jackets and makeup. Now Regina just looked totally different, so natural and perfect that I couldn't take my eyes off of her: hair still wet, and the duffel bag that she had slung over her right shoulder was so small.

"How did you…" I asked, eyeing her bag.

"Oh it's enchanted", she said, her fingers gripping the material, lifting it up, eyes lowered as she barely smiled. "I can practically fit a lot of things in here."

I didn't reply but stood there silently as our eyes met again. She could actually smile. Every little thing she did began to piss me off. The way she was dressed, the calmness in her eyes as if nothing had happened, the fact that she was standing in my house: all of it just fucked with my nerves. And when my eyes rested on the rise and fall of her baby bump, my mouth just went dry, throat parched as realization hit me.

"Where's Robin?" I asked directly, my eyes focused on her.

Taking a while to answer, she studied me with her eyes. The wind howled around the house, fluttering my blue blinds just near the table to her left. And just beyond the window, I could vaguely make out the dancing tree, the one that Neal had attached a wooden swing to just for Henry and me.

"He's not here", she finally said.

"Where is he then?"

"Back home…" and she caught herself, "I mean, in the…Enchanted forest…"

"Well you're a far way from home", I said dryly, turning my head away from her, my eyes meeting the sprinkle of rain on the window glass above the sink. "How come you're back?"

"I…wanted to come back."

"And Robin agreed?"

"Yes."

"So this is a social call then", I stated, maintaining eye contact. "You're here to see Henry and then you're gone? Is this a formal visit because I can sure as hell tell you that after two freaking years", my voice was rising and I was getting seriously emotional, "after two years…things have changed around here. The day you left, things changed. "

"I…understand that and I accept it. But…I'm not here for Henry alone", she said, her voice strained.

"Then why the hell did you come back?"

"That's why I…need to talk to you."

"Talk then", I said. "I'm listening."

Pushing myself away from the counter, I diverted my eyes as my feet led me to the backdoor, and reaching out to check the locks, I was glad to have something to do, to busy myself with so that I'd avoid focusing on her. But then the silence that followed only forced me to glance behind and when I did, she was leaning on the counter, a hand resting on her forehead, eyes closed.

"Hey…" I said, worry overriding my anger. "You okay?"

"I'm…not feeling well."

"What's up?"

"Everything", she said.

Suddenly, I was so affected by the hurt in her voice, the way she looked so weak and broken, it shocked me. I mean, above all, she was always strong and could hold herself together. When situations used to get tough, Regina could become so powerful and composed, never backing down. But now she just wasn't herself. I could sense that something was terribly wrong with her. And it could be something on her mind, or it could be physically. Either way, I wasn't prepared to take any chances.

"I'll…make two mugs of cocoa", I offered, watching her carefully. Still she chose not to look at me. "You wanna wait in the living room?"

"Okay."

"Are you…" I breathed in, thinking hard, "I have cookies. Do you want some?"

"No thank you."

"Alright…"

My eyes moved with her as she retreated from the kitchen slowly, her back kinked and I stood there for a while just staring at the empty doorway. Maybe I was wrong for being so cold, so direct with her. But it's like I wanted to say nice things, wanted to rush forward and just hug her, and then somehow things changed up. Instead I was thinking about Robin, and everything else attached to him. I was lingering on the two years absence when what I was supposed to be doing was to be thankful she was back in the first place.

But for how long and even if she was back, why was she here to begin with?

Plugging in the water heater, I gazed around the kitchen absentmindedly, trying to form stuff in my head. There were things I wanted to say to her, but I really don't think I could. Okay, so I'd listen to her first because she said that we needed to have this talk. I'd listen and then I'd go with the flow, wherever it would take me, I had no idea. Maybe she was here to tell me she wanted Henry to go back with her. Yeah, maybe that was it. She was so bold enough to come back here to do that, ask that of me when she knew my answer would be no.

Or perhaps she wanted my help with something, magic wise.

When the water was barely steaming, I turned the heater off and poured two cups. And then I mixed the cocoa, adding milk, wondering if she didn't want sugar in hers. Deciding that I'd just add it anyway, lifting the cups, I slowly made my way out. Before I entered the living room, I took a breath and tried to compose myself, squeezing my eyes shut. She was sitting on the two cushioned caramel colored chair, her legs curled under her, left elbow resting on the handle with her face propped up. With her eyes distant as she stared at the decorations strewn across the center table, her gaze was eventually lifted to focus on the pictures of Neal and I, most including Henry. Scanning them one by one, I watched her carefully as she did, standing there silently.

And even from where I stood, my head grew light when a tear slid down her right cheek. Reaching up, she slowly wiped it away, her movement shaky but graceful enough.

This was really weird.

"Here…" I said finally moving in, and I chose to rest her cup on the table in front of her, our eyes never meeting.

"Thank you."

Choosing to sit on the three cushioned chair just where she was, I melted into the softness of the leather. And lifting the cup to my lips, slowly I blew before sipping, the feel of the carpet under my feet so warm.

"What are the decorations for?" she asked, dark eyes flickering to consider me.

Shit. "Never mind that", I said quickly, reaching out to rest my cup on the table next to hers, "ignore that. You're here to talk…" I searched her eyes, "so talk."

She took a long while before she started, and in that time, I kind of kept studying her face. It was like falling in love with a character on television when you were younger and then after some time, you finally saw them on another show again. The familiarity of their face, the way you'd search their features to detect if they had aged, if their hair changed or something. That's what I kept doing as I sat there. My eyes were focused on her face for so long that I couldn't help gazing at her lips. It was for guilty reasons, one of which was that I had longed so many times before to have her kiss me. I remembered when I used to be so close to her in Neverland and sometimes I'd turn abruptly to check on her and we'd bump into each other. Her face would be so close to mine that I could just hear her breathing.

And I really wanted her to step into me and kiss me, to make the first move. I realized that I was so foolish to have been waiting on that move when I could have done it myself. Now, all I could do was to consider her lips and wonder if she had kissed him just before she left and if he knew how lucky he was to be on the other end because all I wanted was for her to pull me closer to her and just…

"How are your parents?" she asked, reaching out to pick up her cup, lifting it slowly to her lips.

"They're alright…mom", I said, eyeing her midsection, "is pregnant too."

Eyes lifted, she widened them to gaze at me. "Is that so? So she was serious when she said that they wished to have another child."

"Yeah…" and from the meeting of our eyes, I could feel the pull between the two of us, just like it used to be. But now I tore my gaze away to consider the decorations on the table.

"I really like what you've done to your hair."

"Thanks…" I had layered it, not too choppy but just enough so that as Ruby had said, my hair didn't look dead as it always used to. "You're growing yours." Picking up my cup, I smiled wryly as she reached up to catch her hair that hung two inches below her shoulders. "Looks nice…"

"Thank you…has Snow grown hers or is her hair still…short?" It was weird to have her enquire after my mother like that because they never got along. However, I welcomed it as a change, a weird one.

"Still short, she said that it's an advantage waking up in the morning and leaving the house without having to use a brush."

"Understandable…"

"You're not wearing your makeup…anymore", I noted. And realized that maybe I had crossed a boundary or something because as soon as I said it, Regina lifted her eyes to gaze at me so intently that I indeed had to look away as fast as possible. It was as if I had said something that meant a lot to her. And I had no idea why, or perhaps it was just the fact that I noticed that made her so alert.

"My eyeliner, lipstick and foundation supplies depleted after sometime as expected."

"Ha ha…" I said.

"Really and truly", she sighed, looking away, "I lost interest in those things."

My eyes were wide. "Regina Mills lost interest in makeup and looking oh so gorgeous?" our eyes met and she stared at me. "I mean…" I shrugged, "it's just how I knew you for so long, always concerned about your appearance."

"Am I lacking now then?"

"Not at all, it's just that, to be honest, a baggy sweater and lose jeans doesn't suit you really."

"I'm pregnant, Emma", she reminded me.

"So? It's like you're trying to hide it." Suddenly, my eyes searched hers as it dawned on me, and I couldn't hide my disbelief as we stared at each other. "That's what you're trying to do", I said. "He…he doesn't know?"

"No", she said, eyes lowered.

"Why didn't you tell him?"

"Because it would make our…separation…easier…"

"So you're not going back?"

"It depends…"

"It depends on what?" I was confused.

She sighed. "On you…" lifting her right hand, she splayed her fingers out before her, studying her long nails.

"I have nothing to do with the two of you and your…condition", I said, my tone lacking emotion, just plain. "That's between you and…Robin."

For a while she said nothing, but we just sipped our cocoa and listened to the rain lash against the world outside. There was thunder, and the room was frequently illuminated with the flash of lightning. But the silence was deadly and the tension so thick that you could cut it with a knife. I suppose that was acceptable, if you factored in the fact that we hadn't seen each other for so long. And I was deeply affected by something whilst she was holding back something from me. I wondered what it was.

"So spill", I said finally, my voice cutting the silence like a dagger. "You said you needed to talk to me."

"I do…"

"Then…" with my cup on my lap, one arm resting on the handle of the chair, I turned to face her. And because of the distance between us, because of the fact that we were sitting on separate chairs, I thanked God for that. Had she been sitting close to me on the same chair, I think I would have reached out and fingered her hair or worse: I might have touched her somewhere else.

"Do you know why I left Storybrooke, Emma?" she asked, her eyes focused on the decorations on the table.

It was a question I had been asking myself for a long time after she went away. "I never understood why. Maybe because you felt as if we still hated you and judged you. You didn't feel comfortable anymore around here."

"That too…"

I was puzzled. "And what else?"

"I came here to tell you the truth", she said hoarsely, "and I have to. I can't hold back and above all, I've waited so long." Her tone was rushed, as if she was taking opportunity of a moment of courage. "When I sidestepped Pan's curse, on the road that day before you left Storybrooke, I said to you…" and she looked up, her eyes pinched with tears, "I said that I have to let go of the thing I love the most. Do you…"

"Henry…" I said on reflex. Remembering that moment pinched my heart…

"I also said to you that there's something I never told you before that day…"

"That the curse would erase my memories…" I reminded her, my eyes searching hers. What was she getting at? "How does this explain why you left?"

"Emma, I didn't leave Storybrooke because of feeling judged, or hated or left out. I didn't have a problem with anything. Everything else was fine enough except…I left because of you", she said hoarsely, her voice breaking. "Henry wasn't the only person I loved the most. It was you too. And when I said that I had never told you something before, what I really wanted to say to you was that…" she stopped and her chest heaved as she struggled to breathe.

I couldn't hold myself together. Shock overwhelmed me and I froze up. It took me a while to process what she had said, to replay it over and over in my mind, trying to tease out the truth. The entire world around me, the sound of the rain, everything just died away as I died inside. And I found that my heart wasn't galloping now, no. I couldn't even hear my heartbeats at all.

"I wanted to tell you that from the first time I met you, I started to fall…in…love with you. And you changed me. You were the only one who understood me above anyone else. I hated you so much that I…began to…love you." She kept looking at me and looking and waiting. And I said nothing.

To be so consumed by raging emotions in such a short time, it was almost as if a storm had come upon me, wrecking me in seconds and here I was sitting as I tried to make sense of the damage. I couldn't believe it, what she had just said. And maybe it was only fair that the first thing I thought was that it hadn't been said, none of it. Or that she meant something completely different. But what else could she mean from saying that?

"Say something…please." Her eyes were moist as she waited.

"What do you want me to say?"

"This is where you…" reaching up, she dabbed at her right eye, "you say anything to me, anything at all."

"We were always at each other's throats, Regina", I said directly, "and then suddenly we just couldn't talk to each other."

I couldn't believe her. Of all the things in the world that could happen, this was it. How could she sit there and tell me that without expecting me to feel that all the times I spent trying to get something out of her, none of it got across. I know that I never tried hard to show her how I had felt about her. I know that my hints were subtle but things I had done, most times it was so obvious.

Oh my gods, what about the time when I teased her, when I asked her to get into the water with me. And the time when she broke down, when she called me crying and I got up, I pulled on my clothes and I drove over to her house and picked her up. I took her far away and sat there with her, tolerating her tears, her emotions, tried to wipe away her tears. I tried to touch her. I tried to be her friend, to get closer to her, having dinner with her. And the time when I…when I returned from New York and the first thing I did was to hug her, tell her I missed her so much.

It shouldn't have affected me like that because I hadn't done much to signal to her my feelings. But it did. And I couldn't help myself. I know that it was wrong of me that I suddenly felt terrible and angered. I know that things should have been different but they weren't.

She had loved me all along and all those signs, more to be added along the way, she never ever realized how I felt. She couldn't just wake up and see that I had fallen for her and I was hurting so much, wanting to know if she felt the same way, believing that she didn't. And that's why I ended up saying yes to Neal.

"You could always voice your opinions so easily where I am concerned", she said.

"What I have to say to you right now might not be what you want to hear."

"Say it anyway because from knowing you, I am certain that I have no choice."

"Oh right…because when I'm done saying whatever I have to say", I said angrily, "you'll get up and be on your way, and leave just as you did before. Only this time you have a solid reason to go back where the hell you came from", I stated, my voice rising, and so were my motives, the reason behind my anger.

"Why would I want to go back after what…after all I just told you?" she asked, tears filling her eyes.

"Because you're having his baby", I said boldly. "He's the one you love, not me. You left with him. You made a choice just as I made mine because we both were hanging out, waiting for someone to just say something. Neither of us had the courage to. I always felt…I felt as if I meant nothing to you. And I…tried. I tried to give you hints, afraid I'd scare you if you knew how I felt for you. And all this time you felt the same way."

"Emma…"

"You never understood anything about me, Regina. Why couldn't you…see…that I loved you so much? Didn't you know? How couldn't you see it at all?" there were tears in my eyes as I looked at her. "I kept waiting on you and then you…" I lowered my eyes, "gave up on me, obviously."

"So did you. You chose…him…over me. So I…tried…I had to tell you."

"No", I said getting up from the chair, shaking my head furiously, my blood becoming heated, "thanks for letting me know though. Good to see you've moved on so quickly."

"Did you even hear what I just said to you?" she asked, getting up from the chair.

"No, I didn't." I had my back to her.

"I don't love him as much as I love…you, Emma. I never could love anyone as much as I…love you."

"But you're having his child and there was a time when you used to judge me, asking me how the hell I could slip up like that, how I was left by myself, pregnant and alone. And how I was foolish and helpless… Now you've slipped up and suddenly you come running back to me because you can't take it anymore. It's just as if I'm a second option, a fall back."

"You're not a fall back", she said, starting to cry, "I left…him because he was the second option."

"You have no idea what this means to me!"

"Emma, please…" she lifted her hands in front of her, sad eyes focused on me, "don't raise your voice at me. I'm really sorry but I had no idea that you felt the same…way."

"Somehow, time has gone by and it's like we're not on the same page anymore."

"Time has passed but my love for you…still remains the same."

"You're no different than him, you know", I said, shaking my head at her.

Her eyes searched mine. "Who?"

"Neal…" and I inhaled, "you fucked up, then come back after so long, expecting to pick up just where you left off. When you should know that things changed and I am not the same person you left two years ago. I've changed, I've tried to move on from you. And it fucking killed me."

"I am not like him", she said, fire flashing in her eyes. "I've tried to move on too. That's why I left here, after you said…yes…to him. It killed me! You have no idea what I went through whilst you were welcoming his advances and reveling in his so called love. I couldn't face you, I hid myself away and wished that you would see how I…wanted…you. And you chose him."

"The Queen always makes her first move."

"Not with you", she said hoarsely, "I was so in love with you that I was terrified."

"I'm sorry but all I can think about when I look at you now is that you're connected to him, and there's no way I'm getting involved because you're…pregnant. And you fucked up." I had said it. And when I did, it didn't come out gentle but harsh. She got the message anyway and cringed at my words.

"Thanks a lot for that, Emma."

"You just…you chose to do what you had to do. And I kept waiting on you to come back, kept wanting you to come back but not like this. Geez!"

"You married Neal!" she fired back.

"I held out! I kept waiting on you!" I returned, my voice rising. "We're still engaged and I never married him because I couldn't. I couldn't do that. You wanted to know what the decorations are for? They're for a wedding, finally! It's because I couldn't…understand why you left me. I couldn't deal with any of it since you left without explaining yourself to me, or at least trying. All you did was to shut yourself out and lash back. And whenever I tried to be nice to you, all you did was to back up in a corner and put up your self-defense. You were always the bold one, and you couldn't tell me how you felt. But you sure as hell were bold enough to jump into bed with Robin though. I know that Neal is a second chance, but at least I'm not pregnant. First time I was, he ended up being yours. Now that you've fucked up, I can't look at you without seeing Robin all over you."

She started to cry, lifting a hand to cover her mouth as she choked on sobs, breaking in front of me. I knew that what was said, it was hurtful. But it's what I felt, what was eating away at me just by looking at her. And as she shook from emotion, my heart sliced with pain. And clenching her fists, Regina strode towards the fireplace, and she swiped all the picture frames from the bookshelf, sending them flying, crashing to the ground, the glass casings shattering.

"Regina!" I cried. My eyes flew open as she openly vented her anger, stomping the frames in frustration, crying as she did. And when I rushed forward to do something, to stop her, to touch her, she batted my hand away, pushing me away. "No, wait…" I said, trying to take her hand, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"

Stepping around me, she headed towards the front door and quickly slipping her feet into her boots, lifting them one after the other to pull the zipper up, she reached for the doorknob. But she had grown weak, so weak that her hands struggled with the door and she couldn't open it because the lock was a tricky one. Very soon, I watched as she pressed her palms on the wood, choking on tears as she squeezed her eyes shut. And I rushed forward, tears in my eyes, crying with her too as I did.

"Regina…"

"Leave me alone", she ordered, trying to keep her voice steady. And as if suddenly remembering her magic, she waved a shaky hand over the knob and it clicked open.

"Don't…"

Before she could pull open the door, I reached around her, pressing my right palm on the wood, pushing it close. And as she backed up into me, I gasped from her touch, the nearness of her body. I couldn't help it. With my heart pounding in my chest, I found myself wrapping my arms protectively around her and she melted against me immediately, both of us trembling. My eyes fluttered close as I inhaled the smell of her hair, my right hand resting on her heaving midsection as a moan escaped from her. Lifting her left boot, she gingerly began to caress my left foot, moving against me.

The feeling was so intense, so nerve wrecking that I couldn't focus at all on anything else but her. She felt so perfect in my arms and for the first time in my life I felt as if I was so complete. It's something one cannot explain fully because the feeling is astounding. It's almost as if you had waited your entire life to feel the thrills of a moment, the rush and here it was. Wrapping my arms around her, I rested my cheek against her hair and just held her there as she shivered against me, clutching at me as passion drove itself into us, wrapping us in a blanket of want.

"I…want…you", she whispered, choking on a sob, entwining her fingers with mine as she squeezed my hands.

It began to rain harder outside as we stayed there, the flash of lightening through the glass on the door. And slowly turning her around, we faced each other with severe passion in our eyes. It was she who reached up to grip my shoulders, then her fingers closed around my neck as her face grew nearer, so close. Her hands were becoming sweaty and I could feel it. I could feel the way she couldn't maintain her composure as she began to collapse inside. And it shocked me because I had never ever seen Regina like this before. She was so caught up in me, I could see nothing else in her eyes. There weren't any barriers between us, nothing.

Our heads danced with desire, lips lying inches apart as my hands fluttered over her wide hips, her soft skin under that ridiculous jersey. I could taste her hot breath as we held back the kiss, something we should have never done because God knows how long we had been holding back. But she breathed into me and intoxicated my mind, and I wanted to kiss her. My chest burned with a severe pain as we continued to tease each other, torment the other with our distance. And I realized that because this feeling was so new to me, to want someone so badly, to react to them in this way, then maybe it was something that had to be so unique. Maybe it was more than just love. And the only way I could know is if we kissed.

We almost did.

And then the doorknob turned, the sound rattling my mind, jerking me away from her and with our hands still on each other, the door was pushed inwards.

It was Neal.

* * *

Xx

**[Regina]**

When I felt the door nudge me lightly, my mind was still drowning in her eyes. And it never affected me for a while until I detected the change in her gaze. She considered the door behind me with a mildly shocked expression. With my arms around her, our bodies so close, faces so close, I couldn't pull away because it was such a moment that I had longed for and I never wished for it to stop.

"Well, well, look who the rain washed up", he said sarcastically.

I turned quickly to consider him standing there. "Neal…" I said.

"Regina…"

"My name…" and I smirked.

"Did they finally kick you out of the Enchanted Forest?" he asked, stepping inside, a hand on the door.

"Where's Henry?" Emma said, and I turned to glance at her.

"He fell asleep over there. So Snow said he could spend the night. Good thing he did, because he sure as hell should miss this pitiful reunion."

"What's pitiful is the fact that up to this day, you still cannot use a brush to comb your hair", I said sarcastically.

He eyed me warily. "Had a feeling you'd come back. And why does it not surprise me that you came back for her? Always were good at ruining people's happiness."

"Neal, don't", Emma warned.

"No, he's being the stupid fool he is as usual", I said, anger boiling my blood, my glare directed on him. "She's definitely happy with you considering that she was just about to kiss me before you so rudely interrupted."

"She'd never kiss you", he said defensively, "unless you worked some magic on her."

I laughed hoarsely. "Oh really, she'd never kiss me? And who are you in comparison?"

"I'm her fiancé!"

"For two years, what a milestone for you", and I smirked.

"At least she was with me for two years, never complaining about what we have, so you can figure out from there what that means. It means that she was happy. And you…you were not involved in any of it."

"It just appears that she had you fooled all along."

"I told you to leave her alone before you left", he said directly, "I told you to walk away from this."

"What?" Emma's eyes widened as she looked at him. "What's going on here?"

"Emma…" Neal reached up to wipe his face, eyes shifty, "just tell her the truth. We're getting married in less than two weeks. Tell her she's a freaking psycho, and there's nothing…whatever she feels, it's not mutual. And then she can walk out the door and go back to where the hell she came from."

"No, you knew about her feelings for me?" she asked him in shock.

Neal attempted to brush it off, she was searching his eyes but he never held back. "Yeah, I knew."

"You knew. How the hell did you know? Did you tell him?" she asked me now, turning to consider me.

"I didn't. He called me to alert me on his suspicions and warned me to back off", I said folding my arms, glaring at Neal who stood there watching Emma.

"What the…and you never told me?" she stepped towards him, her eyes icy. "Why would you hide something like that from me?"

"Because it wasn't worth your worry and I had no reason to."

"Sounds like he's already showing signs of being the…how should I put it", I said smirking, studying my nails, "the controlling type in your perfect relationship."

"Just stay out of this", Neal said, holding up a hand in my direction. "It's none of your business."

"I hate to break it to you, Mister Cassidy", and I snatched his hand hard, flinging it away from in front of me, "but it is my business because she loves me."

"What the hell is wrong with you, lady?" he asked, turning to stare at me with wild fascination, "dad warned me about your insanity but I never knew you were delusional as well."

"Coming from a trashy asshole, I wouldn't even consider that."

"You have some nerve speaking to me like that in my own house!"

"You have some nerve speaking to me at all, you pathetic loser!"

"Oh I'm a loser?" he asked, his voice rising, "what about you and your condition?"

My eyes widened. "My condition?"

"Yeah, that…" and he waved a hand towards my midsection in disgust.

"The two of you just stop it!" Emma demanded, and when I stepped forward to punch him, she intervened, pulling me away.

"Did Robin knock you up and send you home because he knew the truth afterwards?" he had the audacity to ask, smiling at me. "Did you just tell him and he sent you packing because he realized that all this time, you were just a psycho?"

"Neal!"

"No, this is absurd", he said to Emma, his eyes flickering back to meet mine. "She waltzes in here like she's some hero, like she even deserves some time and you welcome her in here as if she's even worth it."

"This is my house too and I can welcome who the hell I want inside."

"Not her!" Neal said heatedly.

"I am still trying to process the fact that you knew the way she felt, both of you knew and none of you had the respect or dignity to tell me. You…" she said, glaring at him, "you're no better than her, so you shouldn't even compare yourself."

"I stayed! She left!" and he started to laugh, shaking his head in disbelief. "Why am I even trying? You're not into her. You're not gay. We both know that. And she needs to move on. Look, just tell her the truth, that we're getting married in less than two weeks. Tell her that Henry has no fucking time with her anymore. She's no one around here, just someone who terrorized us, someone who paid penance and now she's got a chance to move on. And then she can leave us alone in peace."

"Just stop it."

"What's cruel is that even if you had any feelings for her, you still chose me over her for a reason. It's because she's not worth it and you know that. I don't see any happiness in your eyes to see her again. No, you're all tensed up as if you hate the fact that she's back."

I turned my eyes to look at Emma and snorted, shaking my head in awe. She met my gaze and never did smile but chose to consider me with a bland stare. And in that moment, I searched her face, wondering why she was looking at me that way.

Neal swallowed, and waved a hand in my direction. "Tell her, Emma, to leave."

"I'm not leaving", I said as I detected conflict in her eyes, those eyes that just captured me in a gaze of want now appeared so dead. "Emma…" I stepped forward quickly, reaching up to grab her shoulders, searching her eyes, "tell him you want me here."

"This is ridiculous!" he said loudly, "you're going to tolerate this? She left you! She's…pregnant, Emma! Look at her", and he gestured towards me. "She's pregnant for some other guy who she hardly knew as compared to you and now she comes back? You talk about me being the same as her but at least I left for a reason and good came out of it. You broke her curse, and when she left, if you had any feelings for her whatsoever, she broke your heart. She's a destroyer of happy endings. Always was. And she's not going to change at all. You know that Emma", he said now, stepping closer to her, and she actually held his gaze, never choosing to look at me. "I know that you wanted to be with me because you could have left. You didn't. Just tell her that and let her go."

"She's not going to let me go", I said firmly, believing my words.

"She's ruined herself and now…she's back", he said softly, lifting a hand to squeeze her right shoulder. "You don't want to get involved in that."

"Neal…just…shut up", I said, my voice breaking, my eyes moving from her to him. "Emma, look at me…"

"What?" she said firmly, turning to do so, her face hard and without expression.

"Tell him you love me, Emma…" I said, beginning to cry as I saw the change in her eyes, the way she looked at me as if I was suddenly a stranger when minutes before all she wanted was to kiss me and hold me. "Tell him that you…love me and you always had. You…love me more…right? Emma…I came back for you…I…" I was shaking, and my hands were cold, "please see the way I love you."

I stood there looking at her for what felt like hours to me. And she never said a word. She never said anything but chose to stand there just with her eyes on me, as if she was frozen and I was the only one who expected something alive. When she touched me, I felt alive, so alive that I couldn't ever let her go from that moment. And when she held me, I felt so safe, I wanted her to return to that moment and realize that what we had, this connection, this was real.

But she just wouldn't say anything to me and I felt like a complete fool, I started to sob. It was because I had been so emotional with my hormonal bouts. Or maybe it was just tears that were meant to flow. Lifting a hand to my mouth, my fingers trembling as I considered her with pleading eyes, for just those last few seconds, I waited. And I cried.

He turned to look at me, his eyes saddening but I couldn't even consider the fact that he stood there. I couldn't care less about him because he had ruined everything for me. But to blame him alone wouldn't be enough. She was emptying me of my tears with her silence and I was getting my response, all I needed.

Robin had been right all along. He always was. She never would love me he way I loved her, even if she claimed she did once. Now it was gone and when I had left, it had been my last chance. Everything was gone now. And I'd have to walk away and never look back.

"Emma…" I whispered.

"Leave…Regina", he said quietly. "Just…"

"You're going to stand there in front of me, and say nothing?" I asked, my eyes flashing. "After what he just told me, how he spoke to me, in front of you, you have nothing to say?"

"I…" she stumbled.

"I thought better of you, Emma", I said angrily, my eyes on her. Her eyes filled with tears and she swallowed a sob. "She's all yours", I said to Neal, turning to look at him. "Whilst I have Robin all over me as you claim, you have him speaking to me like that when I'd never tolerate anyone insulting you in front of me. I'd never do that. I'd defend you and you stand there in silence, when you're always so defensive and bold, always used to take my side. Not now…" I said, tears rolling down my cheeks. "I can see…this was a mistake. Silence means so…much."

And without waiting, I felt so weak as my hand gripped the doorknob and I turned it, pulling the door open. Stepping past him, I staggered outside, and the door closed on its own accord after me, shutting me out. It's where I deserved to be. My eyes darted all around me, the street suddenly illuminated with the lights of the streetlamps on the wooden posts, something that hadn't been there when I first arrived that evening. But my bewilderment in that small detail didn't unnerve me. I realized that I had to get away from there.

My footfalls on the cement pavement echoed in the still of the night as rain drizzled around me. Gripping the strap of my duffel bag, I gathered up enough strength, fighting the dizziness in my head, the nausea that was creeping up on me, how weak my knees were. And I walked away. I went down the pavement and realized that not much had changed where the buildings I remembered were considered. Very soon, I was walking past the Diner and it looked the same. Archie's apartment building was painted over.

"Regina…"

Peering over my shoulder, when I saw it was she, by reflex my footsteps quickened and my eyes burnt from crying. She was coming after me, jogging and I wanted to turn around and shout at her. I wanted to immobilize her and yell, rush up to her and lash out, to scratch her eyes out. But I wasn't in the mood to because I'd never hurt her no matter how much she hurt me. Instead, my footsteps led me faster away from her, the distance between us maintained in an equal space and I turned my head to gaze upon a familiar sign.

Quickly, I sidestepped into shadows and pushed open the door that led into the apartment building. I searched for her name, hoping that she still resided there. Breathing out a sigh of relief, I closed my eyes, chest heaving as I pressed the button, waiting.

"Yeah?"

"It's me…" I said breathless, my head spinning as I clutched at the mesh in front of me. "Regina…"

There was silence and then a long buzz as the entrance gate clicked open. Making a dash for it, I snatched it open and clung unto the bannister as my boots climbed the steps. When I was halfway up, Emma reached for the now closing gate and pulled it towards her, coming after me.

"Regina, wait, please…"

"Go away", I said in a firm voice.

"No, wait…"

When she was ten steps behind me, I searched for the apartment number and my eyes widened when I saw Ruby standing there already, her door ajar. Quickly I made my way towards her and reaching out to grab her hand, I pulled her inside with me, pressing the door shut and fumbling with the locks. Then I stepped into the room, dimly lit with yellow but apparently details couldn't capture my attention in that moment.

"Please", I said to Ruby, my face wet with tears, "don't let her come in."

"Okay…" Ruby said, and she released my hand as I stepped away from the door.

Making my way further away from the door, I searched for the washroom and when it was found, my hands snatched at the door as I blindly staggered towards the toilet. Falling to my knees, I choked as nausea enveloped me like a thick cloud, clutching at my stomach as I heaved out her cocoa.

I vomited and did so for so long that my throat began to ache. In frustration tears stung my eyes and sitting on the floor of Ruby's bathroom, I just thought I'd die from the pain in my chest. Everywhere ached, and the baby began to kick, moving inside me as my stomach pained, my back killed me, my legs, upper thighs.

"I don't think she wants to see you right now", I heard Ruby's voice many walls away. "Just…leave her alone, Emma."

"Who're you to tell me to leave her alone?" came her voice and I buried my face in my hands, listening.

"Who am I? Who are you? And what's with the tone?"

"I'm the one she loves!"

"I'm her fucking ex in case you didn't know and I know her more than you do." There was silence. "That's right, Emma…" Ruby stopped, "when you were so stupid and so pansy to make the first move before, I did once and I never regretted it because she's…an amazing woman."

"I frankly don't give a damn about your break up with her because you let her go so you're no different."

"I let her go because she was in love with you! You're so pathetic sometimes, Emma I can't understand how you were so fucking blind."

"I'm pathetic?"

"You had the audacity to choose Neal over Regina. That's pathetic."

"I had no idea she felt…the…same…way!"

"Everyone knew she loved you! Whale, Archie, me, August…fuck! August knew! Graham knew! All of them knew she was in love with you and you just were so set on Neal. Everything was Neal. And you couldn't see past your thick wall you hold up to realize that whilst you were busy chasing after these guys, Regina was so in love with you."

"She…"

"Hook…oh my gods…imagine how that broke her. To top it off, I bet you had no idea she walked in on you saying yes like a fool to Neal's proposal. Yeah, go ahead and look all shocked about it. She was there. And I had to run after her, try to comfort her because she fucking lost it, she broke down and cried. You wanted to know why she left here in the first place? She left because you broke her."

"Ruby, just let me speak to her."

"Leave…"

"I'm not going any fucking where until I see her."

"There's a reason she was running from you, why she's not here wanting to speak to you and suddenly, I'd like to remind you that this is my apartment and I'm telling you to leave."

"Don't do this to me", Emma said, her voice hoarse. "Ruby, please, let me speak to Regina."

"Go back to your man", Ruby said firmly. "I bet he has your bed all warmed up for you."

And the sound of the door closing filled the silence. Very soon, she was looming in the doorway, my vision blurred as I felt so dizzy and weak.

"Regina…" she said softly, "shit…" I felt her hands around me, pulling me up.

"Ruby…I'm not…feeling…" slowly, she led me out of the bathroom and made me sit somewhere, but through the haze, my vision clouded, I couldn't quite make out where we were. I didn't care.

A soft cloth was pressed to my lips, dabbing softly, wiping me. And then she was running her fingers through my hair, pushing my hair back as she bent her knees to scrutinize my face, searching my eyes.

"You're pregnant…" she whispered. "Geez, do you need…help, are you in pain…are you…"

The nausea was gradually subduing and I was thankful as some of the tightness in my chest disappeared. "I'll be alright."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes", I said softly, "is she gone?"

Ruby searched my eyes, wiping away my tears, and she nodded. "Yeah, she's gone. Do you want to talk about it now or…"

I shook my head slowly, swallowing a sob. "Ruby…" I said in a frustrated tone, tears filling my eyes, "I just want to disappear."

"Don't say that, sweetie", she said softly, caressing my face. "I'm so glad you're back. I missed you. Look at you!" she said, and I knew she was trying to change the topic. "You're…" stepping back, she surveyed me with her eyes, "Regina, you're pregnant! Is it Robin's…?"

"Yes."

"Did he come back too?"

"No."

"What happened?"

I told her what happened in the last two years and I also told her what happened between Robin and I, the last discussion we had. When I was finished with that, our talk ended up in her small living room and on the couch, she spread a thick blanket. Then covering me with another, she adjusted the pillow under my head as her fingers brushed my hair from my face. It was then when I told her about what happened that night between Neal, Emma and I.

Somehow, no tears were shed on my part when I related the story to her. But instead, my voice was firm, tone direct and when the part was reached where I asked Emma to tell Neal that she wanted me, that she loved me and she didn't, I never broke down. But Ruby had tears in her eyes. And reaching forward, she hugged me gently, pressing a kiss on my forehead.

"You came back for her, to tell her and it's what you wanted. I wanna say that it should have happened long ago, way before now, but everything happens for a reason. And now you just have to push forward as you used to tell me. After every fucked up moment, you push forward. You were always good at that and you still are. Hell, you're about to be a mom and you can't stress yourself out. It's gonna be bad for the baby if you do."

I smiled.

"How far along are you though?"

"Close to five months…"

"Soo, have you any idea if it's a girl or boy?" she was smiling from ear to ear.

"I have no idea", I said smiling wryly.

"Oh geez! This is so awesome! You should have told Robin though! He's such a nice guy, and he deserves to know. Honestly, when the two of you hooked up, first thing I thought was damn the two of you would make such a cute baby. Two hot parents, if I could I would threesome the two of you."

"Well that escalated quite quickly, Ruby." I was forced to laugh in disbelief. "I'll find a way to tell him about the baby", I said afterwards. "You're right. He deserves to know."

"How does it feel though, to be…" and she rested a hand on my midsection tentatively, her eyes wide. "Is it scary or exciting? Does it hurt?"

"It's definitely frightening", I said, resting my hand on hers as our eyes met. "And I've been having a hard time for the past two months now: back aches that kill me, my feet get swollen, I throw up constantly well…I can't keep anything down at all, and worst of all because I'm not gaining weight, every time the baby moves, I feel the most intense of pains."

"Damn…"

"On the contrary, I am so excited to finally be in a position where I'm going to have a child that's mine and not…" I stopped, and when I did, she caught my change in expression and frowned.

"Aww, just so you know, Henry has a girlfriend now." And she smiled wickedly. "Just so you know because you're still his mom and you should know."

I loved her so much for taking my hand and pulling me out of my weak moments, the times when I was about to fall. She was always good with that, always picking me up and I couldn't appreciate it more.

"Is that so?" I asked, smiling.

"Don't get upset now", she said, holding up a hand, and she swallowed, "it's Gracie…"

"Jefferson's daughter, the Hatter's daughter?"

"Yup."

"Well she is a sweet girl."

"She's giving him a hard time, is what she's doing. The two of us got pretty close ever since…like when he's in the Diner, we'd talk and he actually likes to ask me for girl advice."

"Oh no", I said, lifting a hand to cover my face, shaking my head.

"Don't sound so disappointed already!"

"You of all people. What did you tell him, to play the field first?"

"I…" she stopped, "I told him to kiss her."

"Ruby, are you serious?"

"Only way she'll get the idea."

And we talked and talked until about two in the morning. When I fell asleep, I had no idea but I drifted into a deep sleep, so deep that I dreamt nothing but blackness surrounding me. It was the kind of sleep that left you feeling as if you were in a tank of black liquid, your thoughts absent and mind thick. I was actually thankful for the dreamless night so that when I woke up, light cascading around me through the fluttering blinds, my eyes moved to the small clock hanging on the wall shaped like a wolf's head. And realizing it was past eleven o'clock, I groaned.

Pushing myself up, my back stiff, a pain slicing through my chest, I fought it all and stood up, pressing my fingers into my sides, kneading my tense muscles. Then walking to the window, I parted the blinds, smelling the wet grass as I gazed outside unto Storybrooke with partial fresh eyes. New houses were constructed as was expected and somehow the air took on a livelier buzz than when I had left. People were about and walking around, people I had never seen before. And I suddenly wondered if the town line was still protected, doubting it at the same time.

I made tea, instead of coffee because of the dangers of caffeine and because hunger had ran away from me as always and then I showered for what felt like half an hour. After slipping into so many clothes, trying on Ruby's shirts and realizing they were too tight for me, I decided to wear a red Aeropostale jersey that hung about three inches below my butt and a pair of jeans I had brought with me. Standing in front of the mirror, I turned this way and that, scrutinizing myself and realizing that no matter how I stood or slouched, I still showed. I just couldn't hide it anymore.

People would not only greet me with questions. They'd consider my baby bump and make their own assumptions. As if it was something new to me, to be judged. I couldn't care less. Picking up a brush from her vanity, I combed my hair and it felt just like old times when I used to sleep over in her apartment, when I'd wake up and get dressed for work right here in front of her mirror. Using her tube of red lipstick, I pressed a finger on the stick and rubbed some on my lips then applied some of her L.A Colors foundation.

Five minutes after, I walked into the Diner and was thankful that it was empty, just before lunch time. Which meant that soon, people would come in, and I'd be discovered and I kind of realized that maybe no one would care if I was back. They'd just throw a glance my way and then divert their eyes because I wasn't of importance anymore. Sitting on a stool, I slouched, something that always bothered me when Henry did it. And pouting, my gaze rested on Ruby wiping the table at the back.

But Granny instantly welcomed me with wide eyes. At first she studied me from behind her cash register and then after a minute or so, as I smiled at her, she rose up and made her way towards me.

"Regina?" a hand was lifted to cover her mouth, eyes registering disbelief. "Is that really you or am I getting delusional in my old age?"

"Yes it's me", I said still smiling.

"Welcome back, sweetheart", she said softly, reaching out her arms and I returned her embrace, warming up instantly from her affections. "I knew you'd come back some day. Look at you", and she pulled back, holding my chin between her fingers, studying my face. "Something's different about you. Your hair has…grown longer but…" I slouched some more.

"Grans, don't crowd her already", Ruby said quickly, her eyes meeting mine, "she only got back last night. Give her some room."

Granny considered her with pursed lips. "I'll leave you and your Mayor alone then." She turned to wink at me. "And yes, I knew about it."

"Knew about what?" Ruby asked, twirling a red and white checkered towel between her hands, lips bright red. "Eesh, what's she talking about?"

"I have no idea", I said smiling.

"So…slept well?" she leant forward to press a kiss on my cheek softly, "geez, you smell so eatable. Hmm…"

"Step away from me slowly", I said, reaching up to press my palm on her shoulder, pushing her away as I smiled.

She did and winking at me, Ruby returned to wiping the tables, clearing plates and cutlery, busying herself with her work. I tried one of the buns with the small cherry on top because the less taste something had, it was all better for my stomach. Somehow I believed cardboard could stay down apart from any tasty food, had I chosen to do such a thing. Pinching the rough bun, I chewed slowly, trying to focus on Ruby as she worked, distracting my mind from the fact that I was eating so that nausea wouldn't overcome me. The need to eat was essential on my part, and many times before I used to survive on just a garden salad with chopped chicken, adding in a glass of red wine. But not now because two were concerned and right now, one was just waking up as I felt a sharp kick towards my right side, making me wince from a small slice of pain that shot through my abdomen.

After eating half of what I had before me on a plate, I sipped some lemonade and pressed my fingers to lips. Then somehow, the sun's rays began to affect me, the brightness of the sunshine and I moved to a back table, choosing to sit with my back facing the door. That way, I'd be less noticeable and privy to having some sort of time for myself. The thing that bothered me though was that after last night, after my emotional bouts, after the confrontation and what not, I was surprisingly so calm and emotionless. And it happened. It was as if my emotions had a switch and when turned on as of recent, I'd just lose control.

Right now, I was dry from feelings.

And just as I pushed my plate away, scowling at the dryness in my mouth, the bell tinkled and from the time it did, I knew it was her. It's something I cannot explain: the connection I feel where she is concerned. Simply put, I believe I could sense her presence anywhere for that matter, even with my back facing her. I could sense it immediately and when I usually did occur, my heart would start to fuss in my chest, my hands spiraled with tiny electric shocks. It was so surreal that even I could not understand the very essence of it.

As she grew nearer, I dug my toes into the soles of my boots and prayed silently that she'd just leave me alone. But if it was one thing where Emma was concerned, it was that she never backed down no matter what. She was as strong willed as me and that's one of the reasons why I fell in love with her in the first place. Her boldness always captivated me. Yet her defensiveness where Neal was concerned was terribly lacking.

"Is this seat taken?" she asked. I knew she was standing there and yet I never looked up, my throat pinched.

"Yes", I said firmly, "anyone can sit there…except you."

"Look, just cut the crap, Regina." And she sat down without waiting, "let's just quit behaving like teenagers."

"Oh I'm sorry Mrs. Cassidy", I said, avoiding her eyes as I glanced at Ruby wiping the counter with a vengeance, her eyes hard and icy as she stared at Emma's head. "I'm not interested in threesomes. Or didn't you get the memo?"

"So you're up to your old self again with your sarcasm? You want us to pull out the famous bitching card we used to play? Is that it?" I looked away warily and smirked, ignoring her words. "Because two always played this game and if you think that I'm going to sit here and take your shit, then you're wrong."

"You have some nerve talking to me like that", I retorted, snapping my head to look at her. "After the stunt you played last night in front of your beloved and protective sperm donor."

"Oh don't even talk about sperm donors. Robin joins Neal for top position. And since we're finally talking about last night, I reacted just the way I felt, pissed off and doubtful, conflicted still…"

"Robin is way better than Neal will ever be", I said defensively. And we were at it again just like we always used to be, bickering like an angry couple. Somehow that pinched my heart, but all the same, it made me want this. I wanted to talk to her because it felt so great to be back.

"If he's so nice then why are you here?"

"Are you suffering from memory loss? Or wasn't I alerted on that degrade in your mental condition?"

"Insult me, keep on doing it", she urged, "fuck me up all you want, like you always did."

"You leave me with no choice after what you did to me last night."

"I'm sorry for not defending you, geez, I was…conflicted."

"It appeared as if the hairy bastard had your tongue trapped under his foot." And I smirked.

"Or maybe my silence meant exactly what you think it meant."

"Really, and to believe I actually bought your pitiful story when you admitted that you felt the same way about me."

"I do feel the same way about you."

I began to laugh hoarsely as Ruby's wiping became vigorous, her eyes harder than before. "Emma, dear, you need to grow up", I said, my eyes dry.

"I'm mature enough to know that I should be more careful when sleeping with a man I'm not married to when I know to myself that I'm in love with someone else. Birth control pills?"

"And where would I get those, from the trunk of a tree or from the wave of my hand?" I asked sarcastically.

"Two years, Regina…"

"Just enough time to leave you to suffer with your second chance and boil in his pathetic ways. I could have returned earlier, but then I figured that you needed time to receive your wake up call." And I offered a smile.

"I'm kind of worried that you don't see why I'm pissed as yet, that it hasn't sunk in as yet", she said, frowning at me. "You're pregnant for some other guy and now you come back to tell me, the woman you claim you always loved, that you still love me. And it's like you have his name printed on your shirt…right here…" she lowered her eyes to gesture on herself, "so what else am I to see when I look at you?"

"Low blow", I said as hurt sliced through my heart. "Go on because this feels like old times, you know…" and I screwed up my face, smiling, "me and you bitching. Get it out whilst you have me still alive in front of you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked quickly, searching my eyes. And something changed in her expression, as if a dark shadow passed over her face.

"Keep the words flowing whilst they're hot from the pan?"

"No, what do you mean…whilst you're still alive?" and her forehead was creased in concern.

I finally realized what she had gathered from my words when I had meant it quite the opposite. "Tell me every little hurtful thing you can whilst I'm alive because you might only have five minutes left with me", and shaking my head in disbelief, I smiled, rolling my eyes. "Really, sometimes you are so…"

"Don't do this to me", she said softly, interrupting my words. And I looked up and across the table at her, stopping immediately.

"What?"

"Don't say things like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you're going to…die and…" she waved a hand, her eyes softened, "I only have five minutes with you. It's not nice at all."

"But less than a minute ago you were on a roll with your insults thrown my way", I reminded her, seeing the genuine hurt in her eyes, the worry and shadows that only meant one thing: she had been affected by something in connection to this on a previous occasion. To what the source was, I could not say exactly.

"I wasn't insulting you, Regina", and she lifted her eyes, looking directly at me, "I was telling you exactly how I feel. That's not insulting. That's what I really feel. When I…saw you last night, when I saw that you're pregnant for…him…I just…" clenching her fists, she swallowed, "I got so pissed at you because all I wanted was for you to come back, to finally come back to me. And when you finally do, you're having his baby…and…"

With my eyes suddenly pinched with tears, I slowly reached across the table and allowed my fingers to whisper against hers. "Emma…"

"I was silent last night because I couldn't say what I wanted to in front of Neal. And…" she stopped, and looked down, holding my hand in hers, "what I wanted to say was that I'm so glad you're back. But…you're sitting there, and you're talking to me, and all I can feel is fucked up because I know that it's his baby. But I wish it was…somewhere deep down inside my mind, and I can't believe I'm telling you this because it makes me sound pathetic, but I just want any baby you have to be…ours. Not Robin's, not anyone else, just you and me. Like Henry. He's Neal's son and I know that, but you raised him for ten years and that's why I can't ever let him go again because he makes me feel as if he's ours."

Taking her hand in mine, I gently squeezed her fingers, feeling a warm tear trickle down my left cheek as we gazed at each other. And just for a moment, even after all the sass and insults, we somehow found a place where we belonged, where it was only the two of us. She was there with me and we were on solid ground, not the shaky reality of what had happened, or how we fucked up. But she was letting her words escape, showing her feelings, telling me how she felt and that's what I had wanted last night or any other time for that matter. I just always wanted her to tell me how she felt about me even if it was terrible or warming. Being honest with me was all I could ever want, instead of her silence.

And her words did sting me, but the truth, the feelings behind those words was clearly felt.

"Tell me how you feel now", she said to me. "I just started and I want you to be honest with me, just let it out."

"I…"

"Regina!"

Turning to look at the doorway, I saw Snow standing there, hands pressed on her mouth and eyes wide. I prepared myself for the attack of affections as she shuffled closer.

"Am I interrupting?" she asked, smiling ear to ear as her gaze lingered on Emma.

"Don't you always?" Emma asked directly. "Geez…" I watched her roll her eyes and smiled.

"Well…" Snow diverted her eyes to consider it, and with a small shake of her head, she frowned, "do I?"

"Yeah…you do, all the time." And signaling for Ruby, Emma sighed.

Very soon, she was squeezed in beside me and her chatter never ceased afterwards. I used to find it annoying; in fact, she had been entirely annoying to me. But gradually, that diminished, that hatred towards her and before I had departed, I remembered how close we had been and my affections returned. No matter what, something had changed between us and we could never return to hating each other's guts again. Needless to say, when she alerted me on her being pregnant, I welcomed the news with a smile. And pulling me into a hug, she promised to offer herself up as a book on everything that I would need to know.

"It's different for everyone", she stated, pressing my right hand between hers. "For most women, their second time is much worse. For me, my first time was a killer. Do you have extreme nausea and dizziness?"

"Absolutely…"

"Eat stuff that has no smell or taste like bread and rice, salt biscuits and drink juice, it helps. Well it helped for me. Oh, and most times a foot rub helps a lot. Plus a shoulder massage and you just need to lie down. You shouldn't even be out here if you're feeling so bad."

"Am I even here?" Emma asked from across the table, watching us with wide eyes. "Mom…" and after Ruby had been lagging behind spitefully ever since she was waved over, she finally arrived, smirking.

"Where are you staying? Upstairs?" Snow continued, her flow of words never ceasing as those eyes shined with excitement.

"No, with Ruby, for the time being…"

"Oh…" and she nudged me, then winked, "remembering the good old days."

"Don't start, Snow."

"Yeah, don't start, Snow", Ruby said, as Emma asked for a plate of fries. But in seconds the later had her eyes focused on me then her mother and she appeared confused.

"Wait, you knew?" she asked the woman sitting next to me.

"Knew what?"

"About…them…" and a hand was waved in my direction then Ruby's. "No…" squeezing her eyes shut, she shook her head, "you couldn't have known because you suck at keeping secrets."

"How are the women?" Snow asked, completely ignoring her daughter as she leant in to whisper, head lowered. A laugh ensued. "Just pulling your leg, tell me about where you were for so long then. Where did you stay and what happened?"

"Can I have Regina alone now?" my eyes were diverted from Snow's face to rest on Emma as she glared at her mother. And she just couldn't see how her words instantly had an effect on me because my heart leapt from the feeling of being somehow wanted.

"Oh I'm sorry, what?" a frown was offered. "But you had your chance."

It was a moment where I simply could not refrain from smiling, snorting as well behind my right hand as Snow considered me with scrutiny. I believed she had no idea why I reacted the way I did, but little did I know that she already was aware of Emma's dilemma. And on her part, her belief was that the feelings were one sided. Needless to say, I received a glared from the Sheriff as she pointed a fry in my direction.

"I'm not done with you and the she wolf", she said.

That afternoon, Snow and I decided to pick Henry up from school. And Emma kept her distance when really and truly, I wished for her to come with us. As much as I wanted to hate her, I wanted her to stay with me, to be close to me because distance killed me. Somehow I realized that I'd have to get used to it though.

But where his mother was hesitant in showing her happiness on my return back, as soon as Henry saw me, he rushed towards us with a smile on his face. And I suddenly remembered Emma's confession to me earlier on her belief that her son made her belief that he was connected to us two. And he was our son. It was something we had been conflicted with for a long period of time. But it had progressed into a bond that was accepted and clearly had more meaning to her than she ever did admit before.

Lagging behind, Grace stood shyly in the background, hugging her books as she considered me with a frown. And when he wrapped his arms around me, his expression changed.

"Mom! Are you…"

I nodded and cupped his face in my hands, studying his eyes. Somehow he had changed, his face had lost its roundness and he was taller.

"How cool is that? Both of you too! This is so amazing, is Robin back home too?"

"No, he stayed behind."

"Why?"

"I…" I stalled, and stared into his eyes as I tried to come up with a lie. But I hated lying to him.

Snow pressed a hand on my back, "Henry, why don't you introduce Gracie to your mom?" and after doing that, she alerted me on Henry's kind words about me.

And whilst he did homework with her on the floor in Snow's apartment, I sat on the new chair set she had bought, a yellow three cushioned one. After joining me, she and I talked as if we were old friends and I was glad for her company, so glad to have someone offer me a smile when it was all I needed.

"Regina, you've changed so much", she said smiling, her voice warm with friendliness. "You're no longer…tense…I like that."

"Well there are some things that happen to a person that ends up changing them for the better or worse", I said, avoiding her eyes.

"I suppose that's true."

"Hmm…" I agreed.

"To be honest though, you've told me about your time spent in the Enchanted Forest, you've told me about Robin, but…" her forehead creased in concern, "you haven't told me why you left in the first place and why you left him to come back. I know Robin would never leave you, especially if he knew about the baby. What really happened?"

"You were always the inquisitive type", I remembered. "Nothing could rush past you."

"I like asking questions", and she shrugged, smiling. "It's one thing Emma and I have in common."

As soon as she said her name, I guess my expression changed. And after she looked at me, searching my eyes for the source of my sudden change in emotion, I believe she grew more suspicious.

"Regina?"

"Yes?"

"What's going on?" eyes narrowed, she scrutinized my face further.

"Nothing", I lied, "why?"

"Because you have a look and I know that look", she said. "I've seen that look before. You're hiding something."

"I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No…" I said firmly. "I'm not."

"Then why did you leave Storybrooke?"

"You know why…" I avoided her eyes, looking instead at Henry explaining something in his book to Gracie.

"But you said you left because you didn't feel right here. David and I…we became so close to you, and I was trying really hard to have you back with us again. No one around here was pressuring you, judging you. Everything was fine and you could have stayed with Robin, lived here. But you left your house, and everything. You left Henry. Did someone make you leave?" she asked, searching my eyes.

"Snow, I really wish to not speak of it…"

"You can tell me, Regina. Tell me anything."

"I can't tell you everything", I said, looking at her directly.

"Why? Don't you trust me?" and she frowned.

"It's not that."

"Then what is it? Is it magic related?" I wanted to laugh because as always, Snow would avoid the topic of magic like the plague. "Because if it's magic related, if you had to return to the Enchanted forest to do something then…"

"Snow, it's not that."

"Then…" she pressed on.

"I left…and I…returned", I decided to say, eyes lowered, "because of one person."

"Robin?" she asked. "Did he…did he hurt you?"

"No. On the contrary, he is most likely the nicest man I have ever met other than my father and Daniel."

"That's…so sweet", she said smiling. "No, but seriously, who is it? Who made you leave and you've come back for?"

"Do you really want to know?" I asked her as a warning, raising an eyebrow, "because I'm sure you'd be better off not knowing."

"Oh I think I want to hear this more than anything else in the world", she admitted.

I was puzzled. "And why is that?"

"Just tell me who it is before I start to go all naïve and 'good always wins' on you."

I sighed. "Emma…"

She remained silent and as I watched her, searching her eyes with a frown, anticipating her angry burst, Snow actually did the inevitable. "Oh my…"

"Oh my?" my frown deepened. "Wait…why…are you smiling at me?"

"Say it", she said, bouncing on the spot as her hands were lifted, fingers pressed to her lips as she was about to squeal.

"Say what?" I asked, considering her with a worried expression. She was scaring me.

"Say it! Just say it. Why did you leave and why did you come back for Emma?"

"Because I'm in love with her", I said flat out, and rising up from the chair, she did a dance as I scowled, my head becoming pinched with a slight migraine from the confusion. "What the hell is wrong with you? You don't even know the whole story and you appear so excited."

"I'm excited because…I have some money to collect on a bet I made, plus, it's finally my turn to tell you in your face that something good did come from me after all, ha! Whose daughter is she? Mine! And above all, I'm really tired of pretending that I fancy Neal when he walked out on her before. Now…" she rubbed her hands in glee, gazing up at the ceiling, "it's time for me to intervene in that wreck of a to be marriage. I must push you in between and end it."

"Oh my God…" I said, lifting my hand to cover my face. "I've created a monster."

"By next week, he will feel my wrath, especially after criticizing my baking, because mother knows best. I shall unite this family once more and cut off the frayed edges. He sickens me, Regina", she said, turning to look at me, her expression changing, "really and truly, I used to like him but he just gets on my nerves. Great guy, but he's a slacker. He hasn't got the head to handle Emma like you do."

"I thought in Neverland you wanted so badly to reunite her with her oh so beloved?" I asked, eyeing her with worry.

"That was before you admitted to me that you liked women and she admitted to me that she was in love with you. After that, I told David, I said, if Regina returns, I will bet you that she's coming back for Emma. Now…he owes me two months of foot rubs every night, making breakfast in the morning, fetching my bag to work for me, cleaning on the weekends…" my head was aching, "shopping for groceries…"

"How do I find the switch to shut you off?" I asked.

"There is no switch where I am concerned", she said smiling. "I might be naïve and a chatterbox, but you'll have to tolerate me, because I'm on your side and this time, it isn't good versus evil. It's The Charmings versus Mister Cassidy."

"I like it", I said. "Now just…sit down…before I am forced to immobilize you."

Quickly, she sat down neatly on the chair beside me, but her smile still remained plastered on her round face as she possibly tried hard to bite back her squeal.

* * *

**A/N** – Chad: Soo…I'm still here. *waves* Handing over the pen to my dear friend to write. Thanks for your reviews thus far, we've read them ALL and tried to reply to all. Big shout out to LEGAL AND REGAL, I hope you liked this one Also, to the readers who hate Neal, your feelings are shared by me. Just as an add in, I'm handling Snow in this story ;)

GET OUT THOSE LIFE SAVING JACKETS! YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE IN MORE ANGST AND FEELS UP AHEAD!

**REVIEW?**


	5. What Happens When We Touch

I thank you all for your reviews, and they all individually put a smile on my face. To say this is your BEST Swan Queen fan fiction story so far really touches me, makes me feel so special! I'm just telling a story, MY story. And the only difference than a lifetime movie is that these characters belong to another entity. By familiarizing with these characters, you can understand my story more. Thanks so much to those who said I'm their new favorite writer! I love you all! And don't forget, my fan fiction stories go slow, and may have lots of foreplay and NO kiss, but eventually it does happen in the right time. And ALL of my stories have happy endings.

**Chapter Five**

"**What Happens When We Touch"**

**Emma**

The thing about love is that it just happens, right? I mean, you could be sitting somewhere and you're not even thinking about it at all, then you feel the brush of shoulders meeting as someone sits next to you. Turning to glance at the stranger, your eyes meet and then suddenly, the entire world stops and you stare into this depth, lost in this gaze. It's overwhelming. It's called love at first sight. If you're lucky like me, then you know how it felt the second it happened, the second you met her and she looked at you.

That's all that happened when I first met her. It took me so long to realize what my feelings meant, why I was affected by her like that. But finally when I did realize what was happening to me, it was close to too late. And then I lost her, now she's back. Somehow she claims that running away from me was her best option. Yet I want to know more because I understand that I might have hurt her by saying yes to Neal, but I just need her to understand that maybe she evened up the score when she returned with her own revenge.

Even two days after, as I'm sitting in my office doing all things 'Sheriff', I could still squeeze my eyes shut and just wish that she hadn't tried to move on from me. Somehow I wanted time to rewind. Maybe then I'd stop her from leaving. And she'd never have slept with him because now she's pregnant and I'm seriously affected. As much as I don't want to be, because it's simply a slip up, I am affected. I can't lie about it. It hurts me. But it's not like we were engaged so she had every right to do what she wanted to. To sleep with him just as I slept with Neal was all on her part.

I just wished that the baby that was kicking inside her wasn't his child. But then I'd sound so psycho if I said that what I wanted was for her baby to be mine as well.

Twirling my black Papermate pen between the fingers of my right hand, I gazed at the wall, feet resting on my desk, chair reclined. And I'm lost in my own thoughts, circling almost entirely around her. It's like she's driving me crazy since she returned more than ever before. I can actually sit there and feel the way my heart beats just for her, to think of her and to know for a fact that she's back. And I need to see her. It's been two days since I last saw her and it sounds so stupid because you'd expect me to fight my way into her life now that I have the chance. But all I'm doing is still waiting, and giving her space.

It's just after four in the afternoon and I've been in the office just receiving calls, the usual. Nothing's as important as it seemed before. Only one thing is important and that's all my mind is centered around. And it dawns on me that if I stay there, if I just sit and stare at nothing then I'm just wasting time.

Springing up from my chair as it creaks from being relieved of my weight, with my eyes focused, I snatch my red leather jacket and keys. Patting myself to make sure my cellphone is in my pocket, I strode out of there with a purpose. And because of how determined I was, my fingers didn't tremble when I dialed her number like it used to from nervousness. Now as I did, right hand on the steering wheel, phone pressed to my left ear, all that's fueling me is the need to be with her, to find her.

She accepts the call and all I can hear is her breathing. Waiting, there's no response.

"Where are you?" I ask.

"In Ruby's apartment. Why?" her voice sounds groggy as if she just woke up.

"I'd…" I swallowed, "I'd like to see you."

"I've been waiting on you, Emma", she says hoarsely.

I disconnected the call and drove the rest of the way in silence.

Parking my yellow bug in front of the apartment building, I'm aware that Ruby's at work and wouldn't be home for the next five hours since she gets off at nine. So there's time, time for me to have her out of my way. And as I climb the red carpeted staircase to the third floor, nervousness still stays at bay, because I'm somewhat drained from feeling anything at all.

I knock on the door and seconds after I do, the silver doorknob is already turning. It's as if she was waiting there with a palm pressed on the wood for my arrival, with a sensitive ear. And as soon as the door is pulled inwards, I lift my eyes to meet hers.

She appears so shadowed, standing there before me and all I can feel deep down inside is this aching as if it's eating away at me, killing me. We haven't seen each other for two years and then when she returns, we're keeping distance from one another. How can you even keep distance from this person that you love so much, that you were crying for before she came back? And I'm wondering now if I really did fuck up that night and she's just stopped loving me because if that's the truth then I don't think I can live like that.

The first thing I say to her after seconds elapse between us is her name. It's just one word to most people but it means so much to me. I used to say it before whilst crying or to myself in the dark but now she's here and I can address her, I can know that when I say it, she's going to look at me. She's here.

Holding the door open, she waits. And my boots feel heavy as they move over the threshold without pausing, because it's what I want. Moving past her, our shoulders brush and something stirs within me. But she feels it too and as I glance back at her, Regina considers me with a gaze that is so intense, I have to tear my eyes away to enter Ruby's dimly lit apartment.

The thing is, the last time I was in here was close to a month ago. It had been a social call where Belle and I ended up crashing at Ruby's place after a girl's night out. Late at night, downing shots and giggling like high school girls, it had been one of those occasions where I couldn't stay in the dark. And I had to get myself out and force some part of me to have fun at the least. After midnight we had staggered back here, and throwing ourselves on the ground, Belle and I were covered with thick blankets as Ruby slept on her two cushioned red chair, the one I'm staring at right now. It reminds me of how comfortable it is, a nice choice for a small apartment, because if you get so drunk, come home and you can't make it to your bed, then you can just fling yourself on the chair, melting in its softness.

I remember it so well, and as my eyes lingered on the chair, she walked into the room, her feet padding softly on the tiled floors as she did. And stopping to stand just near the chair, a hand was reached out to steady herself as she chose to sit slowly. It's where my boots lead me and I allow this, stepping tentatively to lower myself on the same chair where she sat, just a foot separating us.

And as the vehicles pass by on the street downstairs, as someone's voice mumbles something from the apartment next door, as the sound of the clock ticking marks time past between us, all I can do is gaze at her. Wearing a red long sleeved cotton shirt, three buttons were undone as she exposed her honey colored skin, so soft and flawless. Her black loose tailored pants are nothing compared to her skirts and stockings, a pair of white socks on that appear so out of place. And she's wearing no makeup, just the faint smell of baby powder.

There's silence between us but we never break each other's gaze as my eyes become captivated by hers. She was just looking at me as if I meant so much to her, I'm the only one she cared about and all I could think about was the fact that I just wanted to kiss her. It's all I wanted to do, but would she let me even after our sour reunion?

"I haven't seen you in two days", I said softly, my eyes searching hers. "Are you still angry with me?"

"No…" she said quickly, her voice strained as she considered me with worried eyes, "I'm not. I've just been really tired and I can't move around much because my back is killing me. So here I decided to stay…" and reaching at the side of her, she now squeezes the edge of a yellow wool blanket that she's sitting on, pulling it up and in front of her.

"Well there wasn't any way to contact you until mom told me last night that she got a mobile for you."

"And Ruby doesn't have a landline", she says. "But you should have known I'd be here…"

"I wish you could stay with me", I say sadly, "but…" eyes lowered, I hang my head.

"The Neal dilemma. I'm alright here for now." A horn blares outside the window and I flinch. "Did you know that they sold my house?"

"Yeah", I said, considering her, "a year after you left. I kept prolonging the sale of it, kept pushing with Gold but then your electricity was cut off, and he said you'd never come back. So…I used to drive by there every single day."

"But you don't have to pass there on your way home."

"Exactly."

She gazed at me. "You kept waiting on me…"

"Yeah, every single day, I used to think that you leaving was a figment of my imagination and if I just stopped the car, got out and knocked on your door, you'd answer. I…" my eyes met her right hand sliding across the chair, moving closer to mine slowly, "I…"

"I'm back", she said hoarsely, my fingers moving to whisper against hers, "and I'm here just for you, Emma."

Lifting my eyes, we gazed at each other and my throat just clenched with emotion, my eyes stinging with threatening tears. But I fought them.

"You don't have to hide your tears from me", she said, something I had told her before when her hand had been lifted to hide her face from me. "Is it true that you were practicing with your magic, that you were trying to get better at it?"

I nodded.

"But I thought you hated using magic."

"I felt that maybe if I practiced, if I used it, because we have this…" I considered our fingers together, "connection…that you'd feel how I was trying and you'd know that I was…thinking about you. Didn't you feel anything?"

Her eyes were moist with tears. "No, I…didn't. I didn't feel anything at all."

"I just…" looking away, I shook my head, blinking at the fluttering blinds, "I just tried, that's all."

"Emma…" and now she's reaching for my shoulder, and when I feel her touch, suddenly, I move away and I'm so shocked with my reaction that she's not the only one who appears deeply affected by it all.

Suddenly, she pulls her hand away and with eyes lowered, Regina lifts a shaky hand to her face. I just ended up having my gaze directed on her for what felt like over a minute, watching her, scrutinizing her. And after time elapsed, after time just kept moving by without any other word uttered, I knew that my track record for fucking up was being improved by the minute. Eyes lowered, she does the one thing that terrifies me because it's something I never ever want her to do. I sit there and I watch as her shoulders shake once, then twice and soon she's crying because I can hear the sobs, her hoarse sobs. And I feel so dry and raw inside. It's my fault she's crying.

"I didn't mean…"

"I'm so stupid", she cries hoarsely.

"No", I say quietly, "you're not. I am."

"I…sicken you…my…" she waves a hand over herself, "appearance turns you off. I'm so…"

"Beautiful."

"What?" her eyes are lifted to meet mine and they're wet already, filled with frustration. "No, I'm not."

"Yeah, you are."

"Then why did you move away?"

She has become so different now and it somehow hurts me to see her like this, her vulnerability. It's like you know this person is so strong, and you've seen who she is, composure and courage. But then something happens and they change. I've never heard her doubt her beauty or for her belief in her strength to be doubted before because if it's one thing that she always won with was confidence. No matter what, confidence shone through her like a beaming light. And her walls used to be so thick and firm, I think no one could ever peel back the layers to find her weaknesses. Now here she was and I had somehow fleshed out her layers in less than a few seconds for her to actually foolishly believe she was anything but beautiful.

"I moved away because it's new to me", I said. She studied me with her eyes. "You got to admit, we've jumped lines in our relationship. We've moved from being enemies, lunging at each other's throats, to tolerating each other for Henry's sake. Then we became sassy friends and bitchy friends all in one. And when I left, we had this bond. You cared for me to bring me back. When I came back, we were good for a while and then we tried to be friends. But when you left, we weren't friends, we were awkward around each other and hateful still. Putting all that aside though, now you're back and I just…I can't take things so fast."

"I can't even touch you?" she asked, her eyes filled with frustration still. "Then what am I supposed to do, keep dreaming about the moment when we finally kiss?"

"Regina…" I said, her words affecting me terribly, "don't…"

"No, I'd like to know where you stand on our relationship as of now", she said with her voice breaking. "Am I a waste of your time or are you going to give me a chance because that's all I want. I want you to just give me a chance."

"I'm giving you a chance!" I said in disbelief.

"No, you're not", her head is shaking in objection. "You're not giving me a chance. All you're doing is holding back on me when since the night I returned, you could have cut all the bullshit, the objections, and just hug me, kiss me. Instead it's like nothing changed between us except that we now know how the other feels now. I left with tension between us and I'm here, sitting less than two feet away from you and all I can feel is nothing from you. Nothing at all…"

"You don't…"

"I'm not done", she said, holding up a hand to silence me, her usual authoritative way, "do I have to schedule an appointment with you, when it's the right time and then you'll take a step forward? Really and truly I can't continue living a hundred fucking miles away from you in my mind."

"Where's all this coming from?" I asked, a hint of anger slicing through my head.

"The impatient part of me that wants you to fuck me", she said directly, her eyes never leaving mine. "Check your schedule and get back to me on when that will fit into your busy affairs. Until then…" her gaze was turned elsewhere, "I'd like you to leave."

"I don't believe this!" I said, rising from the chair in disbelief. Standing there, I looked down upon her with wide eyes.

"Believe it because I don't like to linger on frayed edges."

"Then go ahead and find someone else who loves you with just one aim in mind, to fuck you", I said pointedly. "That's not my style. I'm more of the take it slow, don't hop into bed so fast kind of woman."

"Unless you're leaving out Neal. Now he can fuck you all he wants and Hook, the last I can remember, you didn't hold back on him in Neverland because he surely got his share of the Savior against a tree."

My eyes were wide. "You're hormonal lady, and I'll let that one slide for the moment."

"I'm not hormonal!"

"Yeah, you're hormonal, talking about sex and sex and sex", I tried a smile even though I was pissed with her. "It's your hormone level because you're pregnant."

"You don't know anything about me."

"Regina…" I said, squeezing my eyes shut as I smiled, "I'm sure of it."

"Just go away, Emma…" she said angrily, appearing so cute as her face contorted in frustration. "Go away and stay away."

"I'm going…" I say now, turning slowly as one step is taken in the door's direction. "if I can calculate right, I have ten more steps left."

"Take all of them in one leap."

Snorting, I couldn't believe how I could laugh in a situation like this. "Eight more…"

"Make it two…"

"Last time I walked away from you, you were in tears, remember?"

"Don't…do that", and her voice was breaking, "don't you do that to me. Leave."

"My hand is on the doorknob, Regina…last chance…"

"To…?" she asked from behind me.

"Call me back…"

"Why?"

I pulled open the door and went out into the hallway, then pressing my back on the wood, closing my eyes, somehow I stayed there for a good full minute waiting. It was as if somehow I believed that she'd come after me but when two minutes elapsed, giving up on it, my boots padded upon the carpeted floor as I jogged down the steps then outside into the sunlight. And as I swung my feet into the car, pulling my door close, I could feel her eyes on me.

"Emma…" her hoarse voice came from above, trying as hard as she could to whisper loudly, as if that was possible.

Taking my time, I adjusted my rearview mirror and hummed softly as my key was pushed into the slot, me biting my cheeks to prevent myself from smiling. A soft wind blew into the interior of the car, hot and bothersome but I ignored it and gripped the steering wheel with my hands.

"Emma…"

Pushing my head out the window, I look up at her now, smiling barely. "Yeah?"

We gaze at each other for a few seconds as her fingers grip the white windowsill, the red lace blinds barely moving around her. "Bye…"

I was puzzled. "Bye?"

"Yes."

I sigh. "Bye, Regina."

Exactly four hours after, just around nine o'clock in the still of the night when I'm watching NCIS with Henry sitting next to me, both of us with mugs of cocoa in sitting on our laps, my cell starts to ring. Frowning, my hand pushes into my back pocket, eyes on the television. And Henry scowls at me.

"Mom, turn it off! They're about to close in on the murderer."

"It's a replay, kid", I say to him in disbelief. "We already know who did it."

"Stop spoiling the good stuff."

Checking my phone display, his words are muted as I stare at her name. "I have to take this."

He waves me off as I spring up and flip the phone open, making my way out of the living room. "Hey…"

"Hi…" she says.

Making my way into the kitchen, I am reminded of the night she arrived, standing right where I'm standing now just by the doorway with her eyes on me. And it's like I'm suddenly wishing I had handled the reunion better, because as much as she'd try to conceal the truth from me, it was eating away at her, the fact that I chose to stand there and answer her in silence. And I would soon enough get my share of sass, but I'd take it because it was deserving on my part.

"What's up?" I ask, moving my fingers over the green and white tiled kitchen counter now, peering through the hole in the wall to make sure Henry isn't eavesdropping.

"Can we…go somewhere?" she asks softly.

"Anywhere you want to go."

"Anywhere?"

I don't hesitate. "Yeah, anywhere."

"I'm ready when you are."

"Do you want Henry to come too? He's…"

"No, I want us to be…alone: no Henry, no Neal, nobody else but us."

I swallow, my throat closing up. "Okay, sure. Give me five minutes."

After disconnecting the call, I hold my cell as my feet lead me into the living room and watching him sitting there, I'm forced to realize how mature he is now. Whilst Neal is somewhere, claiming he's working late when I know he's avoiding me, Henry and I had each other. But now even though I wanted her to have him join us, Regina wished for him to be left out of this and it kind of pinched my heart. She never was like that before. She never excluded him and he was the main person in her life, the one who she would do anything for, the one who she always wanted to see and be with. Now she just wants…me. And I don't know if to be worried about it or just take it. I don't know if I should ask questions or leave it as it is.

"Kid", I say as my hand rests on his head.

He turns around to watch me, "what's up?"

"I…kinda have to…" if I told him I was going to see her, then he'd wonder why she didn't want to see him too. But then I couldn't lie to him. "Regina wants to talk to me about something. And…"

"I'll be alright alone, don't worry."

"Are you sure?" I ask. "I can drop you off at Snow's apartment."

"Nah, I've watched enough Home Alone movies", he assures me with a smile. "I've got this."

"Henry, don't fool around. Keep the television down and if anyone knocks on the door, don't answer. When your father gets home, he'll use his key. If anything happens, Henry, you know the drill."

"Right, call you ASAP", and he picks up the remote, eyes on the television again. "Back to watching NCIS."

The marathon ran till midnight so I know he'll be occupied but I hope not to spend so long. And ruffling his hair, I turn around then head out the door, locking it securely behind me.

Driving over to Ruby's place, I realize something, that whilst Regina was gone, it's like I became so protective over Henry. And I understood why she was always like that where he was concerned. Even though he was two years older now, a mother can never stop worrying, especially with his courage and boldness, something he got from Neal and I plus Regina. But that's the thing about him. He can be so stubborn sometimes and so recently so distracted that I find him lapsing in remembering certain things. Like to not open the door: he might forget.

And I keep worrying until I park my car out front and jog upstairs. Knocking on the door, I hear the lock click and it's obvious now, that she's been waiting on me all along. When the door opens, there she is, and from the time our eyes meet, I lose my breath, knees go weak because she's wearing one of these pink tops that have a wide flowing bottom, the kind that hangs past your waist. And she has on black leggings. All I can think about as I look at her is how beautiful she is. With her hair falling into her face, her lips stained red, she just takes my breath away.

"You came", she says quietly, resting a hand on her midsection. My eyes lower to linger there but it doesn't affect me.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Because of earlier…"

"Forget that", I say as we gaze at each other. "You look…so pretty."

She's smiling so much now that it melts my heart. "Thank you. That means so much, coming from you."

As I help her close the door, and she rests a hand on the wall, watching me do so, I can smell her perfume. Geez, before the night ends, I'll ask her what fragrance she uses and then I'll rest my mind because she smells so lovely, so sweet and fruity that it kind of makes me want to sniff her forever. And when I'm done closing the door, I'm suddenly feeling awkward as we watch each other and I step away, my boots pointing towards the stairs. But taking a deep breath, she starts to walk and I follow. We never hold hands as she carefully steps down the stairs, slowly with silence between us.

And when I take her hand to help her into my car, her touch feels so warm and desirous, something I keep longing for but am so stupid to put off. I guess what you think about me is deserving because I'm supposed to take the first step and just do what I want, to not be afraid of taking her hand or being with her. But something's holding me back and I know what it is. It's doubt. It's also that small feeling at the back of my mind that I'm not deserving of this and she's still in love with Robin. That's it. Robin. I keep thinking about him when I see her and then by she's pregnant, that's all I keep focusing on.

But if something's wrong with me, then why is she still trying with me?

Pulling into the street, we drive a few seconds in silence and it hurts me. It feels like old times, just as she had said earlier, as if we're still on the same page even though we're aware of how we feel about each other. But exactly how do I feel about her to begin with? I know that I love her. And by love I mean that I'm attracted to her. I was attracted to her even more before she left and she wasn't…here I go again. I'm so judgmental and terrible. How have I become like this? How can I even think like that? She's attractive, she's beautiful, she's pretty. But there must be a reason why I keep loving her like this. It's not just attraction.

Maybe it's because when I look at her, all I can see is forever and there's a pull between us, something that's warm and fluid. And I feel it, I know it's there. But I can't really explain why I love her so much. It's like she's bewitched me and I have no solid reason as to why I feel this way.

"So…" I say finally, breaking the silence.

I glance over to see her elbow propped up on the door, her face resting on the palm of her hand. "So…"

"Where do you want to go?"

"Anywhere, Emma", she says directly and fast, her eyes turned to look at me. "Take me anywhere, to the waterfront, preferably closest to the beach where even if we sit alone, then at least I can have the sound of the waves or the wind to fill the fucking silence between us."

I don't know what to say or how to respond because she's hit it right on the spot. And with my throat closing up with emotion, I hold back hot tears as the conflicting feelings in my mind just fuck me up over and over again. When the beach looms ahead, a tear slips from my left eye and I bite my lips to fight the urge, trying to hold back the rest. It's like that until I park and after sitting there in silence, I push open my door and get out, the chill of the wind pinching my skin as my boots make imprints in the sand, leading me to the other side.

Then pulling the door open, she doesn't take my hand, but refuses to, holding the car instead to get out. And without even throwing a glance in my direction, Regina steps around me and sways in the wind as she considers the water before her, the waves lashing on the sand as the bottom of her pink blouse flutters. Her hair dances around her shoulders, the frills from her top doing the same and my eyes lower to meet her knee high boots, realizing that it's the same pair she wore the night she came back. And it's a pair I've never seen before.

He probably bought it for her.

We end up sitting on this long stretch of wood that someone obviously made out to resemble a bench. And with the water lapping the sand just a few feet away from us, Regina just doesn't look at me at all. She never says anything and she's staring hard at the horizon that can barely be seen since the place is so dark. Lamps on posts sway in the wind as the silence stretches out between us and the shadows cast upon the beach gives the place an eerie appearance.

"If I came back", she says quietly, her voice barely audible over the howling of the wind, "and I wasn't carrying Robin's child I'm sure you would have loved me more."

"Don't…go there…"

"And if I wasn't pregnant", she continues as if I never spoke, "then we probably would have kissed already, and you would have longed to have me touch you, to be close to you, to make love to you. There would be no hesitation and no distance between us. And you would just hold me against you."

I couldn't breathe.

"Have you talked to Neal about us?" she asked, her eyes still focused front. And stretching her legs out, she considered her boots with wet eyes.

"No."

"Okay."

"I'll tell him. He's just…he's avoiding me, working late and it's not a conversation I can have over the phone."

"Should I keep waiting another four years and when you haven't told him as yet, then I'll leave again?"

"Regina…it's not like that."

"Then tell me what I should do", she said, her voice calm and low, "because I don't want a package deal, I just want you and Henry. It's all I want, Emma."

"I'll tell him", I repeat, feeling my stomach clench because I am not anticipating that conversation.

We sit in silence for a while, just the wind howling around us, the waves crashing on the shore, a one apartment boat by the name of 'Karlie" tied to a dock, nudging the wood every now and then. And from the corner of my eye, I sense her getting up, but she's slow. It bothers me to see her like this, because she's not looking well at all with the way she's moving and her lack of energy. It's like she's sick, more than what's usually expected and knowing Regina, she'd conceal it from anyone.

Moving to stand now, her back to me, the frills around her shoulders flutter in the wind, and so does her hair. And I just sit there and gaze at her for a long time, my eyes moving from a slice of exposed skin near her neck all the way down to her brown knee high boots with the small silver buckles on the sides. Something I never noticed before about her is the way she stands, just relaxed with her shoulders back and her hands just lose down her sides. Fingernails long, she has on blood red nail polish. And I can't help but remember in Neverland when she used to sleep on her back with her hands folded in front of her. A joke comes to mind but I don't think she's in the mood for jokes. So I just store it for another time.

Instead, I get up quietly and take a step towards her. And immediately, Regina turns her head barely to consider me. It's a move that startles me because above the wind and the waves foaming on the sand, she somehow detected that I had stood up behind her. It reminds me of Neverland when we'd be walking and whenever she'd stop, I could sense it. Whenever I'd stop, she always sensed it. Now it was the same.

"I feel so different", she said quietly as I move to stand beside her, "I feel like a whale as compared to the celery stick I was when I departed from here." I smiled, bouncing back on the heels of my boots, head lowered. "Being entirely sick was never something that bothered me but with all of this, it just feels as if it gets worst and never better…" she pauses, eyes lowered, "I'm not feeling well at all."

"How bad is it?" I asked, worry in my voice.

"I still throw up in the mornings, I can't eat anything, I feel…" she waved her hands in front of her, "weak and my back hurts so much. Then I get these jolts of pain every time I try to move."

"Where do you get these…jolts of pains?" I asked softly, stepping to stand behind her and she turns to consider me with lowered eyes.

"My right side. Why?"

I stood behind her and lifting my hands, resting them on soft hips, she instantly moved into me. And a gasp escaped from between my lips as I pulled her close, gently feeling for her hands, entwining our fingers together. The moment felt so right, and so real. It was beautiful for me and enthralling for her because it's what she wanted. I could feel the way she shuddered against me, pressing herself further back so that her hair tickled my nose. And by just being a few inches shorter than me, I closed my eyes and inhaled her, from the smell of her fruity shampoo to that faint smell of apples that still lingered on her.

Resistance couldn't be maintained at all as she lifted our right hands entwined and slowly splayed my fingers over her abdomen. And as soon as she did, I could feel the baby kick against the palm of my hand, and my chest fluttered. Just for a moment, I closed my eyes as we stayed like that, just us two touching and I pretended that this was our moment. It was our baby and fuck biology but we did do something to get here. Whatever it was, it had happened.

"Do you feel that?" she asked softly, resting her head back. And I felt her left hand caressing my lower back before I could even register the move on her part.

"Yeah", I said in a shaky voice, but the moment didn't last for long, no matter how hard I fought to remain in that moment of bliss. "I do", and my hand was slowly moved away, me choosing instead to feel my way upwards to the swell of her breasts. "Maybe it's the kicking that hurts", I suggested.

"No, it's not the baby." Reaching up to take my hand in her grasp, Regina moved my fingers upwards and very soon, I could feel her heart beating in her chest, fast and evident. "It's my heart that hurts."

I didn't know what to say. But tears stung my eyes.

"I actually thought on more than one occasion over the time spent away from you about removing my heart and just…putting it somewhere else", she said in a voice so low that I strained to hear her clearly.

"Why would you do that?"

"Because it hurts me, Emma…and right now when we're together like this, it doesn't hurt at all." Keeping her proximity, her nearness against me, she slowly turned on the spot and when she did, I stopped breathing. "Before we returned here from the Enchanted Forest, I was in the process of burying my pain, covering my heart up with dirt in the middle of nowhere when your mother stopped me."

"It's a good thing she did or else I would have had to go back there, find it and bring it back to you."

"Without my heart, I wouldn't have been the woman you're looking at right now", she said softly. "I would have become a monster."

"I think I still would have loved that monster."

When our eyes met, I couldn't resist. Instead, leaning forward I rested my forehead against hers and we just gazed at each other as the wind fluttered our hair together, blonde intermingled with her dark strands. It felt so perfect, like a fairytale, just her and me. It felt unbelievable and fucking perfect, so perfect that I couldn't feel anything else when I looked into her eyes but everything else that ever could make me happy. She was the main reason why I could not be with someone else and be comfortable. She meant so much to me.

Shaking me out of my mind, I felt her hand between us, her fingers unbuttoning my shirt as my eyes remained on her. And boldly, she fumbled with the third button, then slipped her hand gently inside, feeling, making me shudder from her touch. She was soon cupping my right breast in her hand, teasing me, pushing me as my body awakened with tingled and my knees grew weak. But I couldn't hold back any longer, leaning my head forward, my hand wrapped around the back of her neck as I tilted her head sideways and whilst she caressed me, my lips found her jaw line. I trailed kisses towards her right ear and then down to her neck, inhaling the scent of her skin.

Parting my lips, I tasted her as my fingertips ran pathways through her dark hair, feeling the way she reacted. Every move she made just took my breath away. And she moaned against me, as the baby's kicks ceased and the world was put on a standstill as we felt each other, tasted each other slowly, taking it so slow that I believed we almost killed our hearts from racing so wildly in our chests together. But we never kissed because I somehow believed that our connection, what we felt, all of this was something overwhelming. And to explore everything slowly was best suited, to wait on the moment, the right moment.

Tasting her jawline, moving my way towards her lips with soft kisses, hearing her gasp as I breathed on her skin, I pressed a kiss on the corner of her mouth. And she reached up to grip my neck, her other hand seeking pathways through my tangled hair, pulling me closer as she struggled to breathe. And as a tear rolled down my cheek, it happened so fast. I felt the change in her, and at first it didn't register immediately. It's like the tremor of an earthquake, the slight movement, the shudder within her. And I believed it was just her reacting to me.

I actually made the first move, and I leant in to kiss her, but she just…she moved her face away and I couldn't believe it. It shocked me terribly, making me grow so cold in seconds that I couldn't understand what was happening. And pressing her palms on my chest, she pushed us apart, distance between us as tears filled her eyes.

"What are…you", I stuttered, searching her eyes.

"I can't do this."

"What?"

"I'm sorry. I just…can't…"

I now begin to shake my head, speechless. It's this moment when I admit that it's been there all along, the low mumbling of worry, doubt, a crack.

"Leave him", she says, removing her hands from me, lowering them to her midsection as she breathes through her parted lips. "I can't do this, Emma."

"Regina…I…" and my hands are reaching for her, but she lashes me away, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Don't touch me. I don't want you to…touch me. Don't…" her hands grab mine and her grip is strong, her nails digging into my skin as she glares at me. "I can't kiss you if you…belong to…him, touch you when I know you're engaged to him."

"I told you…"

"What you told me is yet to pass", she says, her voice breaking with emotion. "I smell him all over you. And it makes me want to…throw up. It makes me…sick…"

I stand there and my eyes are filled with tears as I stare at her in disbelief. My hands are shaking and I just can't breathe properly as she looks at me. Reaching up with my right hand, I bat away tears as my eyes are diverted elsewhere, feeling small like a child, stupid and raw inside.

"You can't have both of us", she says firmly. "Leave him or I leave you. And the longer you take to have that talk, the closer the time comes for me to leave and go back to him…because if you want to hang onto your second chance, then you leave me no choice but to do the same."

"If I was your first choice you'd never…." I can't even do this because I feel as if someone's choking me.

"I'd never what?"

"You'd never consider going back to him or anyone else."

"You're sleeping in the same house as Neal, you're still living with him, you smell like him, you…smell like!"

"You're having Robin's baby!" I cry, swallowing a sob. "Stop behaving like this. Geez, it's not easy for me as it isn't easy for you. You've fucked up more than me and you're actually standing there, telling me that you can't do this, that I smell like Neal when you have no idea what it feels like to have you actually believe that you can make me feel comfortable when you're having…"

She stares at me for a long time, and her eyes are just empty. I look at her too, full on as tears leak down my face, and time passes between us like it normally would do. "You're not the Emma I fell in love with", she said.

"Then why are you even trying?"

"Because I can't live without her."

"She's right here", I said.

"No, she'd never judge me. She'd never do that because that's one of the reasons I fell in love with her. It's because she couldn't judge me when everyone else did."

"I'm sorry for being a disappointment then."

"So am I."

And after looking at me for another few seconds, she diverted her eyes then walked the rest of the way back to my car. I watched her pull open the door, waiting on me. But I never moved from where I stood. I couldn't move because of how empty I felt inside. I felt cold and dead, so dead inside that I couldn't even feel my heart beating in my chest.

After waiting on me, her dark eyes moving to consider me as we glared at each other, she lost control. And lifting a hand, pressing her fingertips on her lips, she began to shake with sobs.

I couldn't take it. Forcing myself to do so, I started to run to her. And as she watched me draw nearer, as our eyes met, Regina's eyes never left mine as purple smoke began to billow around her.

"No, please!" I cried as I stood there, reaching out for her, but all I felt was nothing, because in seconds she was gone. And in her wake, all I was left with was the smell of her perfume.

Falling to my knees, I choked on tears as agony washed over me, my chest aching so bad, finding it hard to breathe, struggling with my emotions. And as the wind swept sand around me, as the waves crashed on the sand, my sobs filled the underlying silence that we once shared but now…now it was just me alone.

Xx

The day after she left me standing there on the beach was the day I told Neal the truth. I had told Snow to keep Henry for the night and had been planning the talk from the time I woke up that morning. There I sat on the chair watching Oprah share out her Christmas favorite things whilst he sat on the other chair, feet tucked under him as his eyes swept over the pages of a Stephen King novel, the famous story titled IT. In fact, I wasn't even paying attention to the television, and my eyes kept flickering over to where he sat.

"Neal…"

He considered me over his spectacles. "Hmm?"

I swallowed. "I…have something to tell you."

"Yeah?"

"It's…about Regina…I…"

"What about Regina?" he asked warily, eyes still on his book. "Is she going back to the Enchanted Forest?"

"No", I was losing courage. "She's staying."

"So what does that have to do with me?"

"It doesn't. It has to do with me."

"Oh geez, Emma, I told you to tell her off, avoid her, do whatever it takes to give her the message that you're not interested. How hard is that? Just tell her you're not into that sort of thing."

"But I am", I said boldly. He continued reading as if I hadn't spoken at all. "Neal, I think I'm…" and I shook my head, "no, I know I'm in…I have feelings for her."

"What kind of feelings, Emma?" and warily, he stopped reading, closing his book to consider me. "What…what are you trying to say here?"

"I'm in love with her", I said in a rush, watching him with wide eyes.

"Regina?"

"Yeah."

Suddenly he was smiling, and just after his smile he began to laugh, shaking his head as he did. "That's funny, really hilarious. Now I'll continue to read."

"Neal, I'm serious. I'm not joking. It's not a…"

"I'll continue to read and you'll continue to watch your show."

"Neal…"

"And if you continue this conversation, if you say another word, Emma…" he lifted a hand to run his fingers through his hair as he watched me, "I'll give you a response, and it's not going to be what you want to hear."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I asked angrily.

"It means that you're going to forget we had this conversation."

"We're having this conversation right now", I said directly.

"No, we're not because if we are, then you're telling me that you lied to me, used me for two fucking years when you could have told me the truth. You could have told me the truth, Emma. But no, no it's all cool. It's alright now to just make me feel like some kind of fool."

"I'm sorry I lied to you", I said, my throat closing up.

"Where do you think this will lead you exactly?" he asked, his forehead creased, "where do you think it will…lead you with this belief that you have…feelings…for…Regina? Who happens to be the Evil Queen, a woman who terrorized your family and ripped this town apart, she tore us apart in the first place by putting that curse here. Then I had to let you go because you had to break it? Do you honestly believe that she's worth it?" he kept waiting on me to reply. "And I'll continue…her intentions when Pan's curse hit here wasn't to get you back. She was only focused on Henry."

"She did try to get me back", I said.

"She wanted to get you back to get him back. You're nothing to her. She's using you."

"No she's not!" I said angrily.

"Then why did she leave to run away with Robin in the first place? She's pregnant and she's having his child and you're nowhere in the picture, Emma. You're nowhere because as soon as he hears of that, he's going to come running back and then she'll fuck you up like she does with everyone else."

"I can't do this, Neal", I said, my eyes stinging with tears. "I can't…do this anymore."

"You're going to do it", he said firmly. "You're going to stay here right where you belong or else I'll intervene. I'm not going to fuck up things for my son, because he's not going to take too kindly to his mother turning out to be what you're claiming to be. It'll break his heart because he believes in you. And the minute you start breaking this family apart, then you'll regret it."

I lifted my hands to my face and hide them, biting in my anger because if he pushed me, I'd lose control and use magic on him. And as much as I hated him right there and then, I didn't want to push it so far.

"I came back and whilst she was hiding away, holding back, I was the one who was there for you, over and over again whilst she was fucking the outlaw. She doesn't love you. Trust me, she's not capable of loving anyone, you can even ask Henry. He knows her better than you do. Lies, that's all she has to offer, lies and more lies. And I bet you don't even know about the affair she had with your dear friend Ruby. How did that make you feel? You have everything here, a home, your son, comfort and peace. Why the hell would you leave all of this behind to run into the arms of a woman who has a history of ripping apart happy endings?"

Getting up from the chair, I strode to the door and pulled my red jacket from off the rack near the door.

He stood up and was coming at me. "Where're you going?"

"None of your business, let go of me", I said as he snatched my right hand and I stopped. "Neal, I'm not going to ask you again. Let me go."

"Emma, you're not leaving."

"Yeah, I am", I said firmly, "let me…" I lashed at his hands as he struggled with me, "let me go! Let me…fucking…go." And pushing me against the door, he pinned my arms behind my back, pressing his body on me.

"Listen to me", he said, his eyes hard, "you're going to start something you can't finish, Emma. This family is perfect the way it is…you and me and you know why. I can…" I struggled against him, "tell these people, all of them what you used to do in Boston, and what happened in New York, the kind of people you got involved with."

"I'm done", I repeated in his face. "I'm done! I don't do drugs anymore. I don't sell it, I don't buy it, I don't…"

"I'm not talking about the drugs alone", he threatened me, "I'm talking about just before you met me, that one thing you did that had them hunting you down, us down."

"That's…not a problem now. It's over and I'm not some teenager you can control or manhandle, I'm not afraid of them or you. So just…get out of my way."

"You're not leaving me." And he snatched my hands around the wrist, squeezing them hard as his eyes grew beady.

"Let me go", I said as tears welled up in my eyes. "Don't do this, Neal."

"Not going to allow it because you're not going to make me look bad. I risked everything for you, love you, came back here, saved my son's life and he's in my life now. I'm not going to let you fucking ruin it by leaving me for another woman."

"Or else what?" I asked bravely, anger in my eyes. "You're not going to do this to me", I said in a frustrated tone, searching his eyes. "Don't do this to me."

"I'll do whatever it takes to make you forget those feelings, and forget that you're even thinking about this."

"Neal…" I began to cry, "please…"

"You said yes to me not to her", he said directly, "you're going to go back to watching television, and you're going to forget we had this conversation." He released my hands. "Or else, I'll get her involved. You want to get Regina involved in this, I can get her involved."

Moving from in front of him, fists clenched, I stepped a few steps forward and spun around, lifting my hands with one aim in mind. Flexing my fingers like she did, I focused on him and wished with all my might that my magic would work, that it would do something. But nothing happened. Instead, all he did was flinch and when he realized what had happened, Neal started to shake his head.

"What are you trying to do, Emma?"

I pushed my hands forward, still trying to do something but nothing happened and I kept doing that, biting my lips, angry and frustrated.

"Emma, just…just stop…" hands raised in front of him, he took a few steps forward, a few tentative steps, coming towards me slowly. And I watched him with flashing eyes, eyes filled with rage. "I'm not the enemy here."

"Don't…" I lifted a hand and pointed a finger at him, warning him.

"Just stay…look, if you want, you can be nice to her, you can…" he waved a hand, "lead her on, but you're not going to leave me. Is that understood?"

"I don't take orders from you", I said, gritting my teeth. "Fuck off."

"Emma…" and as he shook his head warily, as he stepped forward, I pushed my way past him and pulled open the door. Then rushing outside, feeling for my keys in my front pocket, eyes hard, I ran to my car.

xx

I haven't seen her in three days. And she's been denying my calls every single time I try to call her, the usual two rings and then the busy tone. Messaging her never worked, and even though I texted her, left voice messages, she never replied to any.

So here I am staying at my parent's apartment. I'm here and I've been her ever since, whilst Henry flits back and forth between this place and that other place like a butterfly. He knows nothing of what transpired. But mom does. And she's been keeping it hidden from dad who would fly off and punch Neal's face in if he found out.

"He threatened you", Snow said for the umpteenth time in the past two days so far. She watched me stir fry vegetables in a frying pan, and picking up the bottle of Olive oil, I squeeze some more onto the sizzling contents. "He…had no right to threaten you."

There was a small detail that I forgot to tell anyone, and only Neal knows. And that's what the threats stemmed from. It's small to me but big to anyone else who would care to force the truth out of me.

I did something terrible when I was in the foster system. It was terrible. And it a move on my part to protect myself from one of the five families I had been oh so lucky to live with. These people were filthy rich, had life in luxury, swimming pool in the back and these huge mansions like you'd see celebrities buying in these posh neighborhoods. But behind every gold mask is an ugly face. Less than a year spent with them and my foster father as it turned out was the most wanted drug dealer in five states. My foster brother tried to rape me on more than one occasion and his mother burnt me with her cigarette butts when I started to ask questions, when I tried to tell her the truth.

I was sixteen. I was young and I was also fucking fed up of people pushing me around. And one day when Debbie tried to burn me with her cigarettes, when she snatched me by the hair and pulled me across the floor, wiping the tiles with my limp form, I cracked. My hand lashed out at her foot and she was pulled down, her head splitting on the table next to us. I don't think my mind had registered immediately what had happened until blood, wet and sticky started to drip unto the white tiles. The trail kept leading to me, snaking its way towards my eyes, and it was then when I let out the most terrifying scream I had ever let out.

Two months later, I testified against my foster brother, sending him to jail for a couple of months, and my foster father Robbie disappeared off the globe.

Eventually Phillip got out of jail and came looking for me. He came looking for me with a vengeance because I had killed his mother. It was so easy for him, especially since he found me through my dealings with drugs.

It all began in Boston when I had met Neal. Back then, I knew from the time I met him that shoplifting wasn't the only illegal trade he was into. And very soon, I found that he had introduced me to a small packet of white substance he called 'just powder'. In fact, knowing it was cocaine, I used it. I was just eighteen and just out of the foster system, raw from being shifted around and manhandled too many times. I had been a troubled teen who wanted a break in life. And when he introduced me that small packet, I was automatically led into a world I never wanted to go back to, to become involved in again.

All of it began with him. And as I grew to love him back then, he came with strings attached, strings that I could never severe because if I did, if I walked away then I'd still have the dirt stains on me. Phillip could find me if he wanted to and he'd come for me. When I was in prison, when I got caught and held up for those watches, actually being in prison hid me away from him for as long as I wanted to.

Storybrooke was my only escape especially with the town line secured as always.

I didn't want to go back there, to dwell on those things. And I sure as hell didn't want to my foster brother to find me again, where I was and especially now that I had Henry.

"It's nothing, mom", I said, avoiding her eyes as I lifted the pan, flipping the vegetables barely. "He's just worked up."

"You had a fight", she said, furrowing her brows, scrunching up her face in concentration, "you said you had a fight just like that, but what was the fight about? I mean, it had to be serious for him to threaten you."

I said nothing

"You told him about Regina, didn't you?" She was looking at me, sitting on the high stool with her eyes on me as her fingers were wrapped around a coffee mug. "Emma, did you tell him?"

I stopped what I was doing and with my back to her, I nodded.

"Good", she said firmly.

I spun around and faced her, eyes widening. "What?"

"It's good you finally told him. Emma, I've kept this secret for so long, I've kept it and I've kept it and I cannot keep it anymore." Lifting her chin, she looked at me directly in my eyes. "I know I said he's your happy ending in Neverland. But really and truly, he's not."

Turning off the stove, I stopped whatever I was doing and focused on her. "I thought you liked Neal."

"I like him. But he's not the one for you."

"Mom, what are you talking about? Just a few nights ago, you were telling me how I need to move on and marry him. Our wedding is planned for one and a half week from now. And you're telling me that you don't think he's my happy ending? Where's this coming from?"

"That's before she came back."

Stepping towards the kitchen counter where she sat, I kept my eyes on her. "Go on…"

"She came back, Emma. Regina came back for you. And she told me the other night that she's in love with you. She told me that she's always loved you and…and I believe her."

"She told you that?" I asked, losing my breath, as I blinked rapidly.

"Yes she did. That's something serious for her to tell me", she said frowning. "She's always hesitant and holding back stuff. But she told me, and I searched her eyes and I knew she was telling me the truth."

I couldn't take it anymore. "Then if you know about this, about us", I said, "it's not easy for me. It's just not easy…"

"Because she's pregnant?" Snow asked. I couldn't believe it, how my mother could know things so quickly between us, feeling things the same way I did. And it always helped me in so many ways because I never felt awkward around her. If I was upset, she knew and if I didn't want to talk about it, she understood and changed the topic, waiting on me. Now she was direct with her belief and I was so relieved that I didn't have to explain myself to her.

"Yes", I said, scrutinizing her eyes carefully. "That's what's been bothering me all the time."

"Whenever you think of that, you think of Robin…" I was nodding, "and it bothers you because she's attached to him in some way."

"Exactly", I said. "But is something wrong with me for feeling like that about the whole situation?"

"Absolutely not, no", she was shaking her head, "nothing's wrong with that, Emma. It's perfectly understandable."

I breathed out a sigh of relief. "Geez, you don't know how much that means to me."

"But it's understandable, because well, if I was a woman and I loved a woman, and that woman came back pregnant with another man's child, and she said she loved me, then I would be hesitant to jump into bed with this…woman." She swallowed, and inhaled deeply.

"Right."

"So have the two of you kissed as yet?"

"Mom!" I said in disbelief.

"What?" she asked, shrugging, eyes pinched from a smile. "I'm just being inquisitive."

"She said that I smell like Neal so she can't…" I stopped, avoiding her eyes, remembering how Regina's words had stung me.

"Just as she once said Robin smelt like…forest." Snow smiled widely. "Anyway, I told you to stop accidentally picking up Neal's perfume and using it."

"But how the hell does she know that I smell like him?"

"Ah!" and her eyes lit up. "No, wait…" she frowned, "you do smell like Old Spice mostly. Old Spice, Emma! Old Spice! Use Victoria Secret or, or…Vera Wang, or something else. Don't go around smelling like Old Spice!"

"Well excuse me for washing our clothes together and having his perfume smell rub off on my clothes."

"Wash his clothes separate. That's something you shouldn't…mix…it's like mixing panties with boxers."

"What's wrong with that? And you actually know about boxers?" I raised an eyebrow.

"I…know…things. I watch television and Oprah." She frowned. "Getting back on the subject, you. When you go to visit Regina, just spray some perfume on yourself."

"You're encouraging…us…then?"

"Yeah, by all means, because I always had theories as to why Cora couldn't remove your heart and I kept thinking about it over and over again. Over and over and over and over and over and over…"

"Hey!"

"…and over and over, and I came up with theories. One is that Cora ripped Daniel's heart out, Regina's true love. Maybe she couldn't rip your heart out because you can't do it twice. You're Regina's true love and she couldn't rip out your heart."

I busied myself, dipping vegetables from out of the pan and dishing it into a plate for her, listening with both ears.

"Then, there's the slight hint that you're a reincarnation of Daniel which would be weird, ugh."

"What the…" I said.

"And then there's the fact that the universe keeps throwing male organs at you just for a distraction, temptation but in the end, Regina's your happy ending."

"Where the hell do you get these things from?" I asked in wild fascination, watching her with wide eyes. "Throwing male organs at me?"

"Well if you prefer the word penises or dicks or the C word…"

"I…" I made a face and pushed her plate towards her, "ugh…just…eat up."

"And then well, you give off this manly vibe, all puffed up and strutting around."

"I do not strut!" I said defensively.

"You strut", she stated with a serious face. "You don't sway your hips when you walk. You sway your shoulders and that's…strutting."

"That's not strutting!"

"It's strutting."

"We are not going to argue about this. I don't strut. I walk."

"Like a man…"

"And this is where we eat in silence."

"Plus you have toned arms and you probably remind her of a blonde unicorn that's why when…"

"Oh my gods", I said, resting a hand on my face, eyes closed.

"…when we were on the Jolly Roger, she mentioned unicorn stickers. Rainbow kisses…rainbows and unicorns are universal LGTB symbols. Regina came out of the closet in front of me and I punched…I punched her. What kind of person am I? She made you light a fire, the two of you can use magic, she kept…unbuttoning her shirt in Neverland and all this time, it was just for you. This is so, so clear now."

"Are you done?" I asked.

"Regina is kind of hot to be honest", she said, picking up her fork and pushing the prongs into a carrot. "I've always thought she was hot…" I was speechless, staring at her with wide eyes. "When we were on good terms, when she was my nice stepmother and we used to live in the castle, these men used to hit on her all the time. And I'd have to bat them off for her. Over the years, she's just always been so sexy and gorgeous. Her skin is flawless. You have to choose her, Emma. Leave Neal and choose her."

"I suddenly am rethinking your sexuality", I said, massaging my forehead with a hand, eyes lowered.

"I'm not into lesbianing, if that's what you mean. I'm not hormonal, I'm not naïve, I'm your mother. And you must bring this family together once more or else I will take away that leather jacket and make red leather gloves from it, and give Regina to wear them."

"And that's an order?" I asked, with a smile.

"It's an order", she said, pointing at me with her fork. "Leave Neal and take Regina, baby and all. She needs you. Take her and the baby and keep her forever because I can feel it." She breathed in with a smile, eyes closed. "She's your happy ending. And you need to stop playing with Neal."

"La, la, la, la, la…"

"She loves you…"

"You don't know half the story."

"What's going on then? Tell me…"

I told her most of what happened from the reunion and what transpired three nights ago, leaving out the fact that we partially made out on the beach. And I left out the drugs stuff and Phillip, and when I was finished, she appeared to be bursting with chatter. So I allowed her, because I needed to listen.

"Buy her flowers, Emma. Buy her flowers, and she likes when you compliment her, especially since she's pregnant, you're feeling fat and ugly and you just need compliments. Give her a foot massage or sit behind her and rub her back for her. That's what your dad did to me when I was pregnant with you and he still does it. Oh!" Her eyes lit up, "she has a hard time eating, and she's sick so why not ask her what she wants to eat and take it to her? Yesterday we talked on the phone and she was craving for wet sauced Chinese noodles with broccoli."

All of it sounded easy.

Xx

I wanted to be with her. Above all, I wanted to find a way to make this happen, to put aside my stupidity and my doubts concerning her baby and make things work.

The next day, I bought her flowers. Midday, I left work in the scorching sun, feeling so sweaty and unsure of myself and I stepped into the Florist's shop for the first time because really and truly, those kind of places mostly see men frequenting them. Surprisingly, Archie was standing at the counter and so was Whale.

"Getting flowers for each other?" I joked warily, my eyes moving around to take in a variety of colors and differences.

"Well if it isn't Regina's new love interest", Whale said smiling. And I turned to consider him with wide eyes.

"I don't know what you're…"

"Oh don't beat yourself up about it", Archie said smiling widely, "in fact, we all could have seen that one coming a mile away."

"Even without Snow telling us, we all could see it yeah." He and Archie both considered each other and nodded in agreement.

"Oh my God", I said in disbelief. "My mother told you?"

"Between us three, her middle name should be the 'Storybrooke Mirror'…hmm?" Whale waited on Archie's nod.

"Yes, yes, indeed."

"So who are you two here to buy flowers for?" I asked, gesturing to them both in turn as Miss Rose, the florist stepped out from behind the shop.

"Ruby…"

"Red…"

Both of them turned to stare at each other with a shocked expression and I snorted. "Well this is awkward…"

"Wait…" Archie said shaking his head, "you're…you're still seeing her or is this…"

"You're seeing her?" Whale asked, pink in the face. "What the hell is this?"

"Emma, what can I get you today?" Rose asked. She younger than granny but old enough to be my grandmother and wearing a lovely yellow dress decorated with embroidered flowers, I smiled wryly at her. "Anything special?"

"I'm…" my eyes moved to consider the two men arguing near the counter, "I'm here to buy flowers for…" I stalled, and swallowed.

"Just say a name and I'll make an assessment and gather an arrangement", she asked nicely with a smile. "Is it your mother?"

"No", I said quietly, "It's Regina…"

Eyes widening, she considered me with mild fascination. "Regina Mills, hmm? I dare say, that's a first. Now…." Her eyes swept over her collection, "she seems to be a sharp woman, one who doesn't like your usual sunflowers. Roses are fine, red is definite, and although black would have been ideal before, now that she's pregnant, that's not a good choice. It signals bad luck and superstition. Red and pink would be lovely. And is there a message you'd like a particular flower to deliver to her, knowing all flowers have meanings?"

"I want…I want to tell her I'm sorry and that I'm prepared to risk everything to love her and be with her", I said decidedly, walking around as she gathered up roses.

She glanced at me and smiled warmly. "Does she know how you feel about her?"

"Yeah, she knows alright."

"Then the lilies would do just fine. They mean 'I dare you to love me', unless you'd prefer just the roses which universally means love and romance."

"Lilies would be fine", I said as Whale strode out of the store with Archie in tow.

"And Chrysanthemums, those mean hope."

She gathered them all up into a bouquet and attached a white ribbon around the bundle which she claimed meant 'purity'. And after paying her, after writing up a card to be added, I stepped out into the sunshine and hurried to my car.

That afternoon, I couldn't wait to take it to her. And knowing that Ruby worked the late shift every night, knowing also that she had a club date with Belle that night, I was so happy.

Parking my car in front, eyes glancing up at the open window, I only saw the blinds fluttering. So maybe my presence could go unnoticed until she opened up and I pushed the door open if she refused to see me.

After knocking, I waited.

"Who is it?" she called out and immediately my heart leaps out of my chest from the sound of her voice because it's been so long. Feels like a decade ago.

"Flower delivery for a…" I cleared my throat and tried to sound as masculine as I could, "Miss Mills."

The lock clicked and holding the flowers out in front of me so that she could see them first, I stood back just enough and waited. And when the door was pulled inwards, her fingers appeared and I swallowed.

She looked at the flowers first, her eyes meeting them with fascination and then when she finally saw who was holding them, Regina froze up. In seconds, eyes that were filled with scrutiny, eyes that were hazy as she studied who had sent her a bouquet suddenly flashed in my direction. And although she appeared severely unhappy to see me, she couldn't hide the way her grip on the doorframe trembled or how her lips lay parted.

"Emma…"

"Hi, don't…" I placed my right boot out, jamming the door from closing as she scrunched up her face in frustration, "don't shut me out, please."

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Then you don't have to talk."

"Please…she said in a faint voice, eyes lowered, 'I'm not feeling well. I can't do this right now. You have to leave."

She sounded so cute, and her eyes were so sad that I suddenly wanted to squishy hug her. "Aww", I said softly, "let me come in. I have Chinese takeout." And I offered a smile, head tilted sideways.

I waited for a long time there as we gazed at each other, and all I could see in her eyes was the need to seek comfort. And she was lonely. She didn't know it but mom had told me how she hadn't left the apartment in days. Ruby was such a good tenant, and I mean that in a sarcastic way.

Finally moving away from the door, she stood aside as I slowly pushed it open, my eyes never leaving hers. And as I stepped in then closed the door behind me, holding out the flowers, I beamed at her.

She had on sweatpants and an overly large red silk shirt. "What are these for, to bribe me?" she asked in her hoarse voice.

"No, I just thought a pretty woman would feel prettier if she got a pretty bouquet of flowers."

"How old are you, sixteen?" and she held them to her nose, sniffing.

"It's your fault", I said stepping further into the apartment. "You make me feel like a sixteen year old when I think of you, all wide eyed and desperately in love." I could feel her eyes on the back of my neck and purposely, there I stood without looking at her.

"Thank you, Emma", she said softly, "I love them, especially the Chrysanthemums. Always were my father's favorite flowers and they became mine."

"They mean hope, I think…"

"Yes they do."

"And we need…hope"

"So…" her footfalls came closer, but slowly, "if I'm correct, you…dare me to love you and you…hope that I do."

I swallowed and felt my heart racing like an express train. "Is it that obvious?"

"You don't have to try, Emma because…" I watched her approach the window seat, her eyes on me, "no matter what you do, no matter who you're with or whatever choice you make, or where I end up, I will always, always love you."

"Regina…" I said, tears swelling in my eyes as my throat ached, "that's…"

"The truth…come", she said softly, stretching out her left hand towards me, "sit with me."

"Are you hungry?" I asked her, still clutching the white paper bags in my hand as my weak knees led me to where she was. "I bet you're hungry."

"Blah", she said, screwing up her face and shaking her head. "What have you gotten for me?"

I sat down next to her and welcomed the afternoon breeze as it rushed in and caressed my cheeks. And dipping a hand in, I took out the box and her plastic fork, then after opening it, her eyes grew wide.

"Is that…" she asked, her gaze attached to the box as she took it and peered inside, "broccoli and noodles. I have been longing for this, and I didn't want to trouble Ruby. How did you…"

"I might have caught wind of it from the Storybrooke Mirror", I said smiling, opening my box as she considered me with puzzled eyes.

"Why do I get the feeling that's a code name for Snow?"

"Because it is?" and jerking my chin in her direction, I urged her to eat. "Come on, I have to make you feel better."

I've got to say that I have never seen a pregnant woman attack food like Regina did as we sat there on the window seat. She ate without speaking because she was so famished and after considering her with a smile, my eyes rested on the street outside, the clock looming just to my right. It was accurate: just after five and early enough. And she chewed slowly, pushing the prongs of her fork into broccoli, lifting them up to devour each one with a smile.

I was so happy to make her happy like this because it felt so nice. I felt as if in some small way, effort was being made on my part to show her how much I cared for her. And she responded so well, warming up to me as we sat there. When my hair blew to the front of my face, tickling my eyes, she lifted her right hand to gently tuck the strands behind my left ear. And I just melted, smiling like a teenager who was on her first date. Then moving her fingers, fingertips whispering against my face, she held my gaze as we ate. Her touch sent tendrils of electric sizzles down my neck and through my spine, curling my toes. In other words, I felt like a hormonal teenager now.

"I'm sorry about my meltdown the other night", she said, cupping my face in her hand. "The disappearing act was…"

"It's okay", I said, eyes lowered to my box as I chewed. "I understand why you did it. Just so you know though", and she began to play with my hair, forgetting her food as her fingers teased blonde tendrils between them, "it's just that we do laundry together, that's why I smelt like that. Putting that aside though, let's just say that I was never really the perfume type but for you, I am willing to shower myself in Victoria Secret."

"And that you did", she said smiling, "you smell like strawberries and…" she inhaled deeply, then her eyes fluttered close, "champagne…"

"So you like it?"

"I love it."

"I have the bath and lotion collection that I use too", and I smiled mischievously, "just so you…know."

"I suddenly find this Chinese takeout less appealing…"

"You better eat up", I said, pointing my fork at her box. And eat up she did! She emptied her box and actually attacked mine, poking her fork inside as she took all the broccoli and steamed vegetables, chewing as she considered me with a smile. "I've always wanted to tell you that…" reaching out, I used my thumb to wipe sauce from the corner of her mouth, "you look so cute even when you're mischievous or you're angry or you're…when you….put on this evil face. I've also always wanted to tell you that you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Your eyes are just so…" I was drunk on my words and I stayed on the express train of poetic compliments, "captivating."

"Thank you", she said quietly, tears pinching those same eyes. "I've always wanted to tell you that from the first time I saw you, and you said 'hi', I wanted to kiss you. And offering you apple cider wasn't my only intention." Smiling wickedly, Regina's head tilted sideways, waiting on my response.

"You didn't make me tipsy just so I could crash and burn somewhere on my way back to Boston, did you?"

She smiled shyly as I absentmindedly handed my box over to her. "My intention was to do so much more to you."

"But you let me leave", I said in disbelief, studying her wicked grin, "you were the one who got up and pushed me to leave."

"Because I hated the fact that I had just met this woman, and I was so attracted to her and she was you…well…" using her right thumb, she caressed my jawline slowly, "you were Henry's other mother and I felt threatened."

"I bet you did", I said.

"I felt threatened because I wanted you. I wanted you so bad that I kept attacking you, trying to make you leave. And when that didn't work, I just started to accept my feelings. Everything went so well for me, you being here, and then he came back, I realized that I'm just…me…a woman and you're so beautiful. You have all of them chasing after you: Graham, Neal, Hook, even August. And I'm just…another admirer who was standing in the shadows."

"You were never in the shadows", I said frowning, "you were always in the spotlight. But I have to confess that I realized I had a thing for you since that hat incident."

"When you touched me and we made sparks fly?" she asked cutely, "our love is so magical, isn't it?"

"Yeah…" she was toying with me, teasing me, "and…then when I left here and came back, I kind of realized that I missed you. The welcome back party, Henry didn't want you there first and foremost. I kind of told you that because I…"

"You became a sixteen year old and went weak in the knees. I understand. We've been through so much, it's impossible for me to recollect all of it." I was eyeing her box, my box. "It's empty", she said matter-of-factly. I took it from her and placed both boxes into the paper bags. Then getting up from the window seat, I searched for the garbage bin, feeling as if I was intruding in Ruby's space. But deep down inside I knew that she wouldn't mind.

Ruby and I hardly saw eye to eye on things, like Neal. But we still remained friends because we just couldn't break that bond. Anyway, after washing my hands, I dried them on a red and white checkered hand towel then made my way back into the small living room.

"I just saw Archie walk by", she said with her eyes directed outside, chin lifted, "he was the very first person to break the news to me that there's a term for people who are attracted to both genders."

"How did that topic come up?" I asked, standing in front of her as I took her right hand, pulling her up slowly. And without hesitating, she searched my eyes as she stood.

"Well, he asked me why I was directing all my anger in your direction. And…" I led her to the chair and smiling, motioned for her to sit, "after avoiding the truth for almost four months, I finally confessed."

"Well that must have been awkward."

"Indeed, he choked on his disbelief, especially after I told him that I was also seeing…Ruby at that time."

I was curious. And as I sat on the other end of the chair, lifting her feet up, I slowly allowed her to adjust herself as my mind worked around the thought of her actually having history with Ruby. "So, when exactly did you two hook up?"

"When Graham died."

"You don't waste time at all", I noted, taking her right foot and peeling off her red sock patterned with small white bows. "How did you two meet?"

"At a bar and I was drinking because of you." I met her eyes and held our gaze, waiting. "You know, the tension between us was affecting me, the complications, the fact that I wanted Snow White's daughter so badly…" and she waved a hand warily, "we talked, me being hesitant as usual. And she listened, then we ended up here and the rest is history."

"But you're still here."

"I have nowhere else to go."

"Hook has an apartment not too far down the road." I smiled at her.

"I told you before, Emma, I don't do rum."

"But you like wolves…"

"What are you fishing for exactly", she asked, scrutinizing me with her eyes.

I began to massage her right foot gingerly, squeezing the bottom of her soft foot with my thumbs. And it wasn't long before she moved in her position, curling her toes as the cushion sighed under her. Very soon, her head was thrown back as I put my expertise in a six month course of massage therapy that I took in New York to work. Moving up her leg, her right calf soft and so smooth, my fingers pressed pathways across her fair skin, and biting her lips, Regina stretched her foot further out as my eyes watched her.

"I told Neal about us", I said quietly as my fingers worked. "How I'm…in…love with you."

"And…" she urged me, her left foot bent at the knee as playful toes felt for my left side through her sock. Snatching her foot, I peeled off her sock and returned it back to its teasing. And slowly but surely, she succeeded in lifting my shirt, feeling me all the way up to the side of my bra as I welcomed her touch. It was unusual but effective and very soon, my insides began to warm up, my cheeks felt flushed as she eyed me desirously, gripping the chair under her as I worked my hands around her right foot.

"He didn't take it well at all."

"As expected…"

"There's…something that…Neal…knows and it's about my past. It can ruin me. And…" I reached for her left foot, "I don't want…I want certain things to remain locked away."

"Understand you better than you know", she purred, using her foot to caress my leg, feeling her way further up, parting my legs in the process. "We all have demons we wish to keep hidden."

"I wonder what demons you have hidden", I asked with a small smile, and I choked on a gasp as her toes began to gingerly massage the front of my jeans, pressing with sensual movements. "Geez, you're so…"

"Turned on…"

"That's…"

"I can't control myself anymore."

Pushing herself up in a sitting position, she swung her legs unto the carpeted floor and moved across the cushions, closing the distance between us. And as I sat there frozen from the rush of anticipation, heart racing in my chest, Regina reached down to grip my left thigh and lifting my foot up, she moved it to her right side, my knee kinked. I felt so exposed with my legs apart in front of her even with my jeans on, and I liked it. I liked it so much that when she moved closer, as close as she could get, wrapping my left leg around her as best as I could, feeling so awkward, I never dared anticipate her next move.

She began to unbutton my shirt with nimble fingers, and as the rays of the setting sun cascaded through the lace blinds to the far corner of the apartment, hands parted the fabric, eyes lowered. In seconds I had my head resting on the back of the chair, eyes squeezed shut as she worked her hands over my breasts, cupping them both with her hands, squeezing and teasing me. Then unclasping my bra at the front, her touch drove energetic thrills through my torso as daring thumbs began to encircle my nipples, already erect and ready for her boldness.

"Do you think you can handle my weight?" she asked, her voice distant as my head swan with desire. "Oh why am I even asking." Getting up slowly she bent her back barely enough to snatch my hand, yanking me up, "you're so manly, you can handle anything."

"What are you…" I asked as she led me to one of these old time wooden chairs that was positioned near the window, those types without the handles. I was pushed down to sit as dark eyes roamed my exposed chest.

And speechless, I stared at her as she took a hold of both my shoulders, fingernails pressing into my sensitive skin. It was then when she lowered herself on my lap, sitting snugly as no time was wasted. Very soon, her actions commenced once more and I was attacked viscously with warm hands, hands that were so careful with minds of their own.

"Speechless, Emma?" she leant in to ask hoarsely, her lips brushing my right cheek. "Imagine if I wasn't pregnant what I would do to you."

I swallowed hard. "I feel as if we're playing Sheriff and Mayor again but…we've just skipped a whole bunch of levels."

"I want to bite you", she breathed against my neck, tilting my head sideways as fingertips drove pathways upwards through my hair. "You smell so good."

"Bite me then", I choked, lips parted. I inhaled the smell of her sweat, sweet and warm as our bodies generated enough heat to fuel our passion. And very soon, we were both climbing a cliff of desire that would have erupted us into flames.

As soon as she reached down to taste my neck, her fingers gripping my shoulders hard, I could feel something happening between us. It wasn't obvious at first because I honestly believed it was just the heat between us. But then it was faint, this smell of burning material, like a whiff passing under my nose. Brushing it aside, I in turn felt my way across her jawline with my teeth, hungry to become closer to her if that was even possible. And then I felt it. Her fingers began to burn my skin, very soon sending electric jolts of surging feelings travelled through my arm. I was startled. So gripping her shoulders lightly, my hands pushed distance between us as she pulled away to consider me with wide eyes too.

When I reached out to take her hands, holding them up to the window, I saw nothing, just her splayed fingers appearing cute before me. But upon careful consideration of her skin, as her eyes searched out mine, I noticed nothing either.

"Did you feel that?" I asked in a small voice, wondering if it was a figment of my imagination.

"Yes I did."

"What the hell?" Reaching out, I slowly pressed my fingers against the exposed skin just below her neck and she was burning up, fever-like but that wasn't what it felt like alone. Something passed between us, through my fingers and my arm. "You're burning up."

"So are you", she noted. "Maybe…we're taking things a little too fast…well…I'm taking things a little too fast."

"I kind of like it that way though."

"I bet you do."

"Geez, we could just continue, you know. Fuck the results."

"I'd hate to have you sizzle up from the inside."

"Maybe the problem is that we're wearing too much clothes, right?"

She scrutinized me with a wicked grin. "And where there's a problem, there's always a solution." We both waited, gazing at each other and then she was the one who cleared her throat. "I'm waiting on you to take off my shirt, Emma. Or do you need instructions on how to undress me?"

"Oh", I said, my cheeks burning up, and I smiled shyly, "right." My fingers fumbled with the buttons on her shirt and with hands sweaty, I eventually completed such a hard task. It's amazing how you can become so bashful in a situation where you were expected to take some control. There she was, sitting on my freaking lap, with my shirt open, bra open, breasts exposed and I hadn't even done the same to her. What the hell was wrong with me? Take all and don't give any, Emma, that's your new slogan.

Fingers splayed over my chest, she slowly slid them downwards as I parted her shirt, my throat clenched with desire. And from the time my eyes rested on the swell of her breasts inside her lace bra, in a flash my mind gripped control. Finally I was getting in the game, using my thumbs to drive pathways across her heaving chest as she drowned in my touch, eyes closed as we felt our way around each other, mirroring moves.

She moaned as I touched her, allowing me to cup her heavy breasts as I slightly trembled with nervousness because I hadn't touched a woman like this before and it was so new to me. Unbuttoning the rest of the way down, I slowly took in the rest of her, so delicate and meaningful to both of us. And gently resting my hands upon her belly, I considered the tightness, the stretch of her skin, knowing that her dark eyes were studying my expression, watching me carefully. Sliding my hands to the back of her, splaying my fingers, I carefully signaled for her to lean back against my grasp as my mouth bent low to press a kiss between her breasts.

And we were freaking holding out on the kiss because we wanted to take things slow. But we weren't really taking things slow in normal terms, were we? Yet as soon as her head danced forward, eyes fluttering, hooded with desire, as soon as my lips moved closer to hers to kiss her finally, my fucking cellphone started to beep loudly. Startling from the sound, and the vibration in my pocket, I realized that her left leg was positioned right above the pulsing device.

"Ohh…" she said smirking, "I like that…ignore it."

"I can't", I said frowning, reaching under her leg to retrieve the alternative now for a vibrator. I'd store that in memory for later, that she favored vibrating things.

"But why?" her hand snatched at it as she frowned. "Rub it against my chest…"

"You sound like a sexually excited kitten!" I exclaimed, studying her in awe. "It's Henry…"

"Oh…" and snatching it anyway, she answered the call with her eyes on me. "Hi Henry…"

The kid was smart, and he'd want to know why Regina had my cellphone. There was a first for everything, and such a thing like this had never ever happened before. So he'd start asking himself questions in his head, and being the kind of boy he was, Henry would begin to string along theories and suspicions to match this one occurrence.

"How are you? I know…no…" her eyes were pinched with hurt, "I'm not…it would appear as if you've engaged all your time with your new friend, you have no time for me. Okay… Yes…just you and me. That sounds fine. I'll remember, sweetheart, I'm not going to forget that. Oh, yes, she's here. Well your mother is kind of occupied at the moment, she has her hands on a very important task." I immediately placed some truth to those words, lifting those same hands of mine to feel her exposed breasts between my fingers. "Ohh…I'll tell her." Her eyes were on me, "bye then. Love you." She waited and waited and then disconnected the call with a frown on her face.

"What?" I asked her, worried.

"Nothing…"

I cupped her face in my hand and studied her eyes, "tell me…"

"Emma, Henry said that his father wanted him to remind you that he's meeting you at the Diner to buy dinner."

I had forgotten about that completely, that dinner had been ordered and was to be picked up. And lifting a hand to check my watch, I realized that a whole hour had already passed since five.

"Shit…" I mumbled. Trying to ignore her eyes, she kept looking at me as if waiting on an explanation. But I had none to give to her, nothing that would sound suitable anyway. And as the room grew orange, as the light began to fade behind the fluttering blinds, Regina slowly reached out to grip my shoulders. And pressing down, she stood up slowly as my eyes barely flickered to meet hers, me trying to keep my expression bland.

I got up. I began to fumble with the clasp on my bra, and then my buttons, realizing that the skin around my neck was raw from her bites. And they'd leave a mark. He'd know I was here if my shoulders were exposed and I'd have to tolerate his fucking threats and insults. Running my fingers through my hair, a substitute for a comb, nothing was said between us as she stood there, her shirt barely clinging unto her breasts.

"I wish you'd talk to me", she said, hands on her hips as I stepped towards the door.

"About what?" I asked, feeling terrible already, a headache stretching across my head like bolts of lightning.

"What he's holding against you from your past. I'd like to know too." I reached for the doorknob but she grabbed my arm, and from her touch alone, I gasped. "I want to know if I can help."

"You can't…it's better if you don't know anything about it", I said, my voice strained.

"Why? Am I not _man_ enough to know the truth about you as he does?" her eyes were hard, expression cross.

"It's not that Regina. It's just that you're too…it's too risky. I just need to find a way to deal with this on my own."

"Is this…" I pulled open the door but she kept her grip on my wrist, "is this about me too? This…demon, does it involve me? Has someone threatened you that I know? Is it…Zelinda or…" she was searching for names, "Maleficent would never hurt you. Is it…"

"It's no one you know", I confirmed.

"Emma, tell me who it is."

"I can't", I said in a frustrated voice. "Please, I just…I can't tell you. I'm too careful and I don't want you to get involved. If anything happened to you because of me, I don't think I could ever live with that. That's why I just need to handle this alone."

"Okay", she said, and inhaled deeply, closing her eyes, "okay, so what am I supposed to do in the meantime then?"

I looked at her for a long time as she stood there, searching my eyes. "Is it too much to ask you to…" I swallowed, "can you just wait on me a little longer?"

Eyes pinched with tears, she considered me with a look of worry, yet from her trust, from the fact that she believed in me, Regina gave in. Slowly, she nodded and reaching up, a hand was rested against my cheek as she stepped closer. I couldn't resist, pulling her into a hug, my arms snaked around her warm body as we just…we just stayed there for a very long time. I never wanted to let her go. And she never did too.

"You don't have to kiss me now", she said hoarsely into my left ear as we held each other, "because I know that it's something I can look forward to. And…" she pressed a kiss on my cheek, keeping her lips there, "I know that no matter what happens, it's something you want too. So I'll wait."

She could never understand how much that meant to me. And I squeezed my eyes shut as they stung with tears. "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow", I said in a small voice.

"See you then", Regina said, pulling away slowly. And as the door closed before me, I reached up with a shaky hand and wiped my eyes, realizing that I had to face my own demons if I wanted her. But could I also face the circumstances that would come along with my choice?

I jogged down the stairs with a heavy heart. And when I stepped out into the street, my eyes met Neal, back against the lamp post, the light already on. His expression was smug, eyes heavy and my chest grew chilled from his selected position. Stepping tentatively towards him, I kept my eyes in his direction.

"I guess you had dinner already", he said sarcastically. "Should I pick up for two alone then?"

"Neal…" I said warily, eyes lowering to meet the pavement, "don't start. We were just talking."

"With your hands from the looks of it…" closing the distance between us, it never surprised me when he snaked an arm around my waist. I could do nothing about it at the moment.

And as we crossed the street, as he pulled me closer, I glanced back and up at the red lace blinds. As soon as my eyes met hers, she stepped back into the dimly lit apartment, and it was almost as if a ghost had once stood there. Turning to face front, tears stung my eyes as I realized that I was hurting her. I was pushing it too far. But how far could she stretch to accommodate me?

Xx

"Daddy, I'm too short to reach the apple", Roland said, stretching his neck as he peered up at the branches. "I want the apple. Can you please lift me?"

Robin was stooping just near him, his fingers tying the lacing on his track boots. Glancing up, he smiled. "And why do you want the apple on the highest branch when I already picked one for you?"

"Because Regina said that when it's higher up, it's nicer…"

"Ah…" He pressed his palms on his thighs and pushed himself up, "If it's one thing about Regina is that she loves a challenge. Now…" Picking his son up in one swift move, Robin lifted him high enough. "See if you can reach it my little Knight."

Small fingers flexed as hands were outstretched, inches between them and the shiny red apple. And lifting him a little higher, Roland grabbed the apple and smiled widely.

"I got it!" he cried out, raising it triumphantly over his head as he was lowered to the ground, "look! I have it daddy! Do you think she'll like it? Do you?" Robin remained silent, eyes focused elsewhere as pain stung his heart, tears pinched his eyes. "When she comes back, I can show her! She can make candy and dip it inside! Yum…" he pressed the fruit to his small mouth and made a small bite.

"Let's go home", Robin said quietly, taking his hand, "it's getting dark already."

"I think this one is the sweetest of them all. I can take it home. You can chop it up and make fruit salad. Regina said that knives are swords too. But I must not play with them at all. She said that swords don't kill people. People kill people. Is she right, papa?"

"She is…"

As they neared the house, Robin's eyes glanced at the trees and when he saw the man headed his way, he sighed warily. Unlocking the door, he led Roland inside.

"Daddy will be right back, go wash your hands."

"I must say he's quite a cute little thing", Rumple said as he approached.

"What do you want?" Robin asked warily.

"Just passing through the village, collecting on deals that I made and such…"

"And do you have a reason for stopping here because as I can recall, I made no deals with you."

A greying woman pushed a wooden cart filled with fruits along the dirt road, her beady eyes focused on them. And they watched her go. Somewhere in the distance, the church bell tolled the hour of six, the sun's rays barely cascading through the thick trees to the far west.

"I just wanted to check up on you. After she left, I thought you'd fall apart."

Toeing the ground with his right boot, Robin held his composure. "She made her choice. I couldn't stop her."

"Well if it were up to me, being a father already, I wouldn't have allowed it", Rumple said carefully, a gleam in his eyes, "especially since she's pregnant. Travelling all by herself was too hazardous. But she arrived safely." His eyes gleamed more as Robin considered him with disbelief.

"She's…" Robin swallowed, his throat closing up, "Regina's pregnant?"

A smile was offered. "You didn't know? But I thought you did."

"No, I didn't know."

"Then I have poked the fire, now it sparks from flames."

Lifting a hand to wipe his face, he began to shake his head as Rumple watched him carefully. "I can't believe this. Why wouldn't she tell me? I have a right to know."

"Maybe because she had one intention in mind: to snatch Miss Swan from the arms of a man who refuses to let her go." The older man began to step around Robin. "If it were up to me, I'd intervene. But that's up to you."

"I already…we already made our decision", Robin said quietly, "she made her decision and I can't force her to act otherwise."

"But the child is yours."

"I know…"

"You're the father and you need to be a part of that child's life."

Squeezing his eyes shut, Robin breathed in slowly. "Right now, all I want is to move on from her. We loved each other, maybe she still does and I love her too. But she loves another and because of that, nothing can work between us."

"Then what happens to the child? Don't you think that you should find her, and discuss these matters with her?"

"Find her?" Robin asked, his eyes meeting Rumple's. "What are you suggesting?"

"I can offer you a one way ticket to Storybrooke. But only if you wish to take it."

"Does she want me there?" he asked.

"I think she does, especially since Miss Swan is about to self-destruct, already on her way down a dark road that she can't avoid."

"What…what are you talking about?" Robin asked as the wind rustled leaves around them. "Is Emma okay?"

"Why don't you find out for yourself?" Rumple offered with a smile. "Take my offer. You're not really enjoying here, are you? It would be so much better to be a part of modern civilization, enjoy the benefits of a better life like you used to, comfort Regina…as a friend and the father to her child", he added quickly.

Robin stalled, never answering.

"She's not so well. Her health is poor. Does it remind you of someone? Or is that too heartbreaking?" Both of them stared at each other for a long time and tears pinched Robin's eyes. "Even as a friend, a good friend, you'd want to see that she's doing well. And I think you should do that."

There was silence.

"I'll give you some time, think about it."

And walking away as if nothing had transpired between them, Rumple disappeared into red smoke, leaving Robin to stand there. He couldn't believe it. Regina had completely concealed her pregnancy from him. But how far along was she? She couldn't be so far along though. Thinking back on it, she had been wearing clothes that were extremely large for her. Not to mention her nausea and refusal to venture outdoors.

Marian…

No, he couldn't let this pass by just like that. He had to find Regina and make sure that she was alright. He had to step in because if she was pregnant then by all means he had a reason to step in. Her life could be first and foremost to Emma but the baby's life had some meaning to him. He was the father. Maybe she had hidden it from him because of the pain, because of the fact that she somehow believed she could move on and make things work without him.

But he needed to find her. Marian would want that. She'd want him to find her and make sure that she was alright.

And so he decided that he'd take up Rumple's ticket to Storybrooke. It was just a matter of when to decide on his journey back. Whenever it was, he'd be ready.

Xx

**A/N** – Regina's sick and weak? Ha! Then Emma is her medicine because she sure as hell became so alive and turned on in that scene! Or maybe it was the broccoli and noodles! Talk about a pregnant woman taking control. Shame on you, Emma. Poor Regina had to make the move. First Neal stopped the kiss now Henry. And why exactly is Emma holding back from leaving Neal? What is she REALLY scared of? Is it just Phillip? And where is Phillip?

**UP NEXT:** Movie Night, preparations for a Christmas Party, a heartbreak dance, a beautiful heart to heart between Regina and Snow, and then Robin returns! The ENTIRE chapter after this is based on Regina's perspective, so don't worry, Her Majesty will be able to vent how she feels.

**REVIEW! I COMMAND IT!**


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